The joke thread

[The Doctor]

8 hours ago, rmahrez said:

Actually there are 1024 megabytes in a gigabyte, so you're a still a way off getting a gig.

 

 In the correct joke the band is called '1023 Megabytes'.

Actually in SI units giga is 10^9; so a gigabyte is 10^9 bytes - which is 1000000000 bytes or 1000 megabytes (mega being 10^6).

[LanguedocFox]

Him: What's the book you're reading?

Me: Moby Dick

Him: Nah, don't like smutty books

Me: It's not smutty - it's about whales

Him: Nah. Can't stand the fvckin' Welsh either

[Wolfox]

'Doctor, I've got this problem,' a mansays. 'Mysecretary, she loves to giveblow jobs.

Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me aquick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of theday, she really works me over.' 

'So what seems to be the problem?' the doctorasked. 

'Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,' the man continued. 'I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half houreveryday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before wego to sleep.'

'I still don't know what your problem is,' said the doctor. 

'Well, You see Doc, every time Imasturbate I get these dizzy spells...'

[rmahrez]

16 hours ago, ajthefox said:

Yeah, because that'll make it funnier...

Knew someone would bite 

 

8 hours ago, The Doctor said:

Actually in SI units giga is 10^9; so a gigabyte is 10^9 bytes - which is 1000000000 bytes or 1000 megabytes (mega being 10^6).

Binary has only two possibilities, so it makes sense to use a value that's a power of two rather than the flat 1000. Try it yourself mate it's mad http://www.convertunits.com/from/MB/to/GB

Edited 12 March 2017 by rmahrez

[The Doctor]

7 minutes ago, rmahrez said:

Knew someone would bite 

 

Binary has only two possibilities, so it makes sense to use a value that's a power of two rather than the flat 1000. Try it yourself mate it's mad http://www.convertunits.com/from/MB/to/GB

Quoted Hard drive capacities use metric, not binary (which is why you can plug in a 500GB hard drive and be told it only has 465GB of space - Windows reports binary, and so in gibibytes, but quoted values are always in metric gigabytes). Basically, don't get pedantic when you've not even reached the bottom of the pedantry.

Edited 12 March 2017 by The Doctor

[Wymsey]

If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

A European.

[Buce]

50 minutes ago, Wymeswold fox said:

If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

A European.

 

 

[ramboacdc]

21 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Me and some mates started a band called '999 Megabytes'.

 

We still haven't got a gig.....

 

18 hours ago, rmahrez said:

Actually there are 1024 megabytes in a gigabyte, so you're a still a way off getting a gig.

 

 In the correct joke the band is called '1023 Megabytes'.

 

18 hours ago, Beliall said:

there are now 1000mb in a GB

 

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=how+many+megabytes+in+a+gigabyte&oq=how+man&aqs=chrome.0.69i59l2j69i57j0l3.1834j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

[Beliall]

Cant we just all agree its a shit joke?

[davieG]

30 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Cant we just all agree its a shit joke?

......and old!

[Webbo]

 i was having a crafty pee in the swimming pool when the lifeguard saw what I was up to and blew her whistle.

 

I was so shocked I nearly fell in!

[Webbo]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVDs, except one...

[Facecloth]

3 minutes ago, Webbo said:

Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVDs, except one...

It's Toy Story isn't it?  

[Webbo]

People say to me "what do you think you'll be doing in 3 years time?"

 

Hey, I don't have 2020 vision.

[LanguedocFox]

The blind bunny rabbit and the blind toad are wandering around in the jungle and they bump into one another.

 

Bunny: Oh sorry about that, I didn't see you because I'm blind.

Toad: Really, what a coincidence, so am I. What kind of animal are you?

Bunny: I'm not telling you, you might be a big tiger and eat me up. If you are really blind, you can work out what I am from your sense of touch.

Toad. OK, I'll try. Mmm let me see... You have soft fur, and long floppy ears, and whiskers and a little button nose. Oh, and buck teeth. You must be a bunny rabbit.

Bunny: Yes, yes, you're right. Now my turn... euugh! You have clammy skin, and it's all covered in warts. You have a big soft belly and protruding eyes, and a wide mouth....

 

You must be Welsh. [or whichever minority you wish to insult]

[Mythyaar]

I took the shell off my racing snail the other day to see if it would go faster. But if anything, it's made him more sluggish.

[Grewks]

During his last few days, Jimmy Saville suffers a heart attack, and is rushed to his local hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" he asks.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

[foxfanazer]

On Sunday, March 12, 2017 at 23:16, Webbo said:

Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVDs, except one...

I really think the Mercury missed a trick when we rejected offers for Schlupp in the summer.

 

'Never gonna give you Schlupp' would've been a classic

[Grewks]

The black and white kids on a bus have segregated themselves, both demanding the right to sit upstairs.

 

"I'm fed up with all this bickering", said the driver. "I couldn't care less what colour you're. It doesn't matter to me whether you're black, white, yellow, orange.....in fact, to me, you're all green".

 

"Light green upstairs, dark green downstairs".

 

[Renart]

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, it's also terrible

[Aus Fox]

I was sitting in bar last night enjoying a beer or two. When a couple of large ladies walked in, they were speaking in an odd accent and I couldn't quite put me finger on where it was from.

Eventually, I wondered up to them and said "evening ladies, just noticed your accent, where is it from? Ireland?

To which they replied, " how rude, it's called Wales, you know."

Sorry, I said.

"let me start agiain."

"Evening Whales, interesting accent you have, where is it from? Ireland?"

[CollinsLCFC]

My Mrs' asked me to pass her lipstick.

I passed her some superglue instead..

She's still not talking to me.

[Buce]

 

I went through an expensive and painful procedure a few years back, having had my spine and both testicles removed.

 

 

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic..

 

[Parafox]

12 hours ago, Buce said:

 

I went through an expensive and painful procedure a few years back, having had my spine and both testicles removed.

 

 

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic..

 

Wow, and you managed to keep the free-thinking part of your brain?

[Mythyaar]

There was this fat bird standing between me and the loo at the Italian restaurant.

 

I couldn't get pasta.