The joke thread

[coale39]

[gatesheadfox]

Doctor: "i'm totally baffled by your orange penis. does anyone else in your family have this condition?"

Patient: "not to my knowledge"

Doctor: "well do you handle any chemicals at work?"

Patient: "i don't work doctor"

Doctor: "well what do you do all day"

Patient: "watch porn and eat wotsits"

[stez]

shy pebble: doctor i'm too shy

doctor: you must be a little bolder

[Webbo]

They now make viagra eyedrops.

They don't help your sex life, but they do make you look hard.

[The People's Hero]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[The People's Hero]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[dhermon]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

[Smudge]

Guy goes to the doctors with severe case of piles. He walks into the surgery and describes his ailment."Drop your trolleys and bend over", says the doc. After a thorough examination the doctor suggested putting tea leaves up his duster for two weeks and then call for a new appointment.

For two weeks he religeously applied said tealeaves to the offending area and then returned to the doctors. "Well lets have a look" exclaimed the doctor and the patient duly bent over. "Well what do you think Doc are they better" asked the patient anxiously? "No" the doctor replied "But you are going on a long journey"

[dandannieldanok]

Q: What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws?

A. outlaws are wanted!

[Webbo]

a doctor walks along a mental ward when he comes to a man with his hand in his pajama jacket.

'who are you' he asks?

'I;m Napoleon Bonaparte' he replies.

'Who told you that ' the doctor asks

'Jesus Christ' he replies

The man in the next bed pipes up,'he's a fooking liar, I never said a thing!'

Edited 10 December 2006 by ffuter

[He's not bald]

Aer Ireland Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus to co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport they looked out the cockpit window.

"B'jeesus", said Paddy, "will ye look at how F**kin short dat runway is."

"You're not F**kin Kiddin, Paddy", replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

You're not F**kin Kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus

"roight, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" Said Paddy.

"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus

"And den ye put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat" Replied Shamus"and den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy

"Roight Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with a'your soul" said Paddy

"Oi'll be doing dat already", replied Shamus

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to the Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt just centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the Cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "dat has gotta be de shortest F**kin runway I have EVER seen in me whole Life."

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah, Paddy, but look how F**kin wide it is."

Same pilots were lost in thick fog near Heathrow so paddy called Air Traffic Control for advice "Hello der I tink we are a bit lost" "No problem" comes the reply "we can guide you in,just give me your height and current position" "well I'm 5 foot 4 an I'm sitting in the front" says Paddy!

[coale39]

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

3 old men were discussing their ailments and bodily disfunctions. The 70 year old says, "My problem is when ah get up it takes me 20 minutes to have a tinkle."

The 80 year old says, "That's nowt, when ah get up ah got to grunt and groan for 30 minutes before ah can have a shit."

The 90 year old says, "At 7am ah piss like a horse, and at 8am ah shit like a cow"

"So what's the problem then?" his friends both ask.

"Well ah don't wake up till 9am." he replies.

[Suffolk_fox]

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.

'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'

'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.

Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'

With that, he leaps out of the plane.

Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'

'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

[Suffolk_fox]

Hear about the boy scout who got kicked out for eating a brownie?

[dhermon]

The yuppie

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a

cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?â€Â

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly

answers: “Sure. Why not?â€Â

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,

surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact

fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an

ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:

“You have exactly 1586 sheep.â€Â

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.â€Â, says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? â€Â

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?â€Â

“You’re a consultant.†says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,†says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?â€Â

“No guessing requiredâ€Â, answered the shepherd.

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my busines.............

Now give me back my dog.â€Â

[DanTheFoxBhoy]

3 old men were discussing their ailments and bodily disfunctions. The 70 year old says, "My problem is when ah get up it takes me 20 minutes to have a tinkle."

The 80 year old says, "That's nowt, when ah get up ah got to grunt and groan for 30 minutes before ah can have a shit."

The 90 year old says, "At 7am ah piss like a horse, and at 8am ah shit like a cow"

"So what's the problem then?" his friends both ask.

"Well ah don't wake up till 9am." he replies.

Haha, like that one

[gatesheadfox]

whats the difference between a skip full of sand and a skip full of babies?

you cant shift sand with a pitchfork

[Brummie-FOX]

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"

______________________________________________________________________________

Whats the difference between the City Ground (Notts Forest Stadium) and a Hedgehog?

The pricks are on the outside of the hedgehog.

Edited 19 December 2006 by Brummie-FOX

[lookwhaticando]

The yuppie

As a fan of Dilbert comics and the works of Scot Adams, this one tickles me something silly.

My dad, who works in the high-tech industry that's brimming full of consultants - some of whom he has to deal with - also finds it incredibly amusing.

Nice one.

[Shipman Out]

Q. Dad what's a Transvestite

A. Ask your Mum he'll know.

[potter3]

Q: What do you call a Derby fan with lots of girlfriends?

A: A Shepherd

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

A: Well, they had photos of Nottingham Forest players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a Nottingham Forest fan and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: How do you kill a Nottingham Forest fan when he's drinking?

A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

Q: What do you call a Scouser with no arms and legs?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What is the difference between Nottingham Forest and a triangle?

A: A triangle has three points.

I actually made up the first one

Edited 22 December 2006 by potter3

[dhermon]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

..........

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

and a merry christmass to all

[potter3]

I swear every joke in this thread has come from this book, I've heard most of the them before and from this book too.

[DanTheFoxBhoy]

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an prenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...

"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?", the other two enquire

"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?" ask the other two..

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."

Edited 1 January 2007 by DanTheFox

[coale39]

Annual Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.