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James.

Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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coale39

coale39

Posted
Posted
For a while, he kept the animal away by buying a generator, lighting up the area, and playing thumping Serbian turbo-folk music.

But when the generator ran out of power and the music fell silent, the bear was back and the honey was gone once more.

:clap:

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2bob!

2bob!

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Posted

Did anyone else hear about that lady that was sitting on the same toliet for 2 years str8??? I've read the reports but I cant find any pics

She supposedly had a "phobia" about leaving the bathroom. Her boyfriend thought it was kind of strange but didn't want to interfere. They had to take her to the hospital with the toilet seat still attached because her skin had grown around it. That statement makes me think she was pretty overweight, but I don't know that for a fact.

Anyway, ewww!

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l444ry

l444ry

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Posted

Heather Mills Arrested For Begging Outside Kings Cross Station

Heather Mills, the newest addition to Britain's Rich List, has been arrested by police in London, after she was caught begging outside Kings Cross railway station today.

Ms Mills was taken to Paddington Green police station this morning, when an eagle-eyed passer-by recognised her as the lying, cheating, conniving, one-legged ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney he'd seen on the Ten O'Clock News last night.

Earlier this week, a judge in the High Court ruled that Mills should receive only a tiny fraction of what she had claimed of Sir Paul's fortune after their divorce. The settlement was in the region of £24.3million, which will keep her in prosthetic limbs for life.

Despite this, the greedy Mills told police she had been "shortchanged", and resolved to make up the extra cash by sitting on a newspaper at the entrance to Kings Cross, and telling anyone who would listen, all about her tedious-life-so-far, whilst shaking an empty baked beans can.

Police Sergeant Ernest Legover, one of the arresting officers, said:

"She was causin a crowd to gavver, disturbin the... wossname... peace."

His colleague, Constable John Constable, added:

"That's right, and she wouldn't budge when we told her to 'oppit!"

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l444ry

l444ry

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Posted

Tibet Olympic Team Thrown Out Of Beijing Games

The government in China has moved swiftly and decisively to quell the Tibetan uprising, by having the Dalai Lama-led country thrown out of the Olympic Games, due to start in Beijing in June.

The Chinese authorities said yesterday that, although the absence of the Tibetan team would be a major blow to the Games, the decision to oust the upstarts had been taken "in the interests of national and international security".

Tibet had planned to send 6 athletes to the Olympics - four of them to compete in the 4X400metres Alms Bowl Relay, one in the Cross Country Chanting, and another in the 3000m Transcendental Meditation Steeplechase.

The Dalai Lama, who is named after a woolly South American quadraped, told a Press conference at his secret mountaintop retreat that he was disappointed, but not surprised, at the actions of the Chinese authorities. He said:

"I am disappointed but not surprised."

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l444ry

l444ry

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Posted

Petrol contamination in breast implants shock

A number of women in the South of England have been experiencing problems with new breast implants.

It would seem that contamination of the silicone is due to Tesco's petrol.

"I was walking along the road and suddenly my breasts started to backfire" said a lady from Battle in Sussex. "I was most surprised; people around me couldn't make out where the backfiring was coming from, I sounded like a Ford Fiesta"

Another lady told our roaming reporter that her nipples started to flash and she experienced an overwhelming desire to turn right. "If I had know about this petrol contamination I would never have had my tits enlarged, how can petrol possibly have been confused as silicone"

The makers of the silicone breast implants (Wobblebetter) have tested the implants but can find no fault, a spokesman for the company said " I've had a good feel around with our most popular make and could find no problem at all, the texture is just right and the nipples maintain a firm yet giving consistency".

Any women who think they may be experiencing problems with newly implanted breasts should call into their local garage where the staff will give a free overall and, as a good will gesture, offer a free general touch up.

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l444ry

l444ry

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Posted

British Cycling At Its Strongest For Years, Says Bored-Mann

Great Britain's cyclists delivered an awesome series of performances at the Track Cycling World Championships, and have put the nation at the forefront of world cycling, according to former Olympic gold medal winner Chris Bored-Mann.

The British team came out of last week's championships in Manchester with a magnificent seven gold medals (rhymes with 'pedals'), and Bored-Mann believes that they can go on to further success in the Beijing Olympics this summer.

Sunday's final race saw Chris Hoy win the 3000m Penny Farthing Sprint to end the event on a high note, after Victoria Pendleton earlier brought her personal tally to two golds and a silver, with victory in the 1000m Sit-Up-And-Beg 1000m Pursuit.

Another star rider in these championships, has been Rebecca Romero, who only changed sports from rowing last year, and from tiddlywinks the year before that. She won the 400m Unicycle race in a record time of 3 hours 53 minutes whilst juggling eight coloured balls and a Cocker Spaniel.

Said Bored-Mann:

"Cycling really is coming on leaps and bounds in this country. It's a sport anybody can take up, but it's shit when you get a puncture."

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The Stig

The Stig

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Posted (edited)

The Olympics continues to go wrong.

Olympic Torch Lost During Powercut

Written by Duncan Whitehead

Story written: 01 April 2008

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Power Cuts Are Common In Savannah The Olympic torch went missing yesterday during a major power cut leaving many confused and one man extremely annoyed. It was the second time this had occurred in a fortnight.

Rick Astley, 41, of Savannah Georgia said "Saturday night we had another storm and the power went out. Now I usually leave my Olympic torch in the drawer by the bed, in case of a power cut, however SOMEONE had moved it, again!"

Rick explained that a couple of weeks earlier a similar thing had happened and that his flashlight, made by Olympic Flashlights PLC, a now long since defunct company once based out of Iowa was NOT in it's correct stowage.

"You know once I can accept it, twice and I get pissed off" said Rick "I have told her a million times, 'put it back in the bedside drawer'. Does she listen? No. Is it any wonder I drink and sit around on the internet all day?"

Rick's wife apologized for the missing flashlight, explaining that she had used it when she took the kids on a late night walk with the dogs, and that I, I mean Rick, shouldn't get so uptight.

"Blah, blah, blah" said Rick "Torch, flashlight, whatever - bedside drawer - it's its place!"

Edited by The Stig
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