Depression

[Freesolo]

I've suffered from the illness/disease (it eats away at you, making you feel hopeless) for the past year and a half. I've often contemplated about ending my life in the last few weeks. I go to university but can't say I particular enjoy it. I rarely turn up to university through anxiety and fear.

 

I haven't told my parents/friends. My friends see me in a completely different light. A cocky, light-hearted individual. 

 

A combination of guilt and comforting myself by listening to music has meant I haven't taken my life, however I feel completely and utterly miserable. I spoke to my course leader about it, and ended up breaking down half way through the meeting. I really do think leaving university would be the best thing to do, I think it would make me happier, but I'd feel like a failure towards my parents who have obviously paid lots of money for me to come here.

 

I'd also like to thank this current Leicester team/staff for giving me hope. What Ranieri, Mahrez, Kante, Vardy and co have achieved this season is unbelievable, and it gives me real hope to carry and battle on. Even if we don't win the league, this campaign has been amazing and made me almost forget the Taylor/Levein/Holloway years...

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what my intention was to post this on here, I just wanted to know if anyone has ever felt anything similar to me, and what they did to combat this.

 

When you have Depression it is for life and i know how hopeless you can feel, I have Had depression with anxiety and Panic attacks since i was a child, I was never really depressed until i hit my 20s but I had panic attacks as a child I had no idea what they were just my mum and dad rushing me to the ER every other day for a few weeks then they would go away for maybe 6 months and it would happen all over again.

 

Then one day they just disappeared when i was about 15 but i still had anxiety and was a shy person but when i left school i found it hard to make new friends because i was so quiet I and anxious. i dropped out of college worked dead end jobs i really hated my life and when i hit my 20's I really started to feel this cloud come over me like i could face the world and these bouts of depression would last months and my panic attacks came back. I can honestly say Anxiety just stops your life i would rather be in a wheelchair and have no anxiety that t have depression and panic disorder.

I Have been to the doctors thought about suicide 1000s of times thats the thing about depression you might not  commit suicide most people don't but when you are down for some reason all you can think about is death and your own life i have fantasized about killing myself so many times I know i would never do it.

So Im guessing you are young, My advice id do not jump strait on antidepressants but do visit a doctor they hand out pills like sweets but you have no idea how hard they are to come off. The best therapy i found is exercise and keeping busy when you are feeling good it will help you from having bad bouts of depression. Also talk therapy anfd mindfullness.

The Biggest and most important piece of advice i can give you is to not take this lightly this is serious shit and if you and just lazy and don't push yourself to get better you wont and will fall so far off the track that there is no way back> you will wake up at 30 and think why didn't i do something about this years ago.

you are not alone mate

[Rincewind]

I was toying on whether to post this but all the feedback on it on other sites has been positive and I think it will help. There are other videos that also give good advice.

 

[Freesolo]

Having depression and especially anxiety for so long you come to a point where you just say **** you to anxiety you get angry with it to a point where you say to this Feeling give me all you have I don't care, i don't care if you kill me it can be quite a empowering feeling to just not give a ****.

 

And i don't care who knows people say things i know they do but Talk is cheap.

Edited 20 February 2016 by Freesolo

[DillonLive]

Recovering from depression is a long and difficult journey. The best antidepressants on Earth don’t come from a pill bottle. From getting more sleep to taking up a hobby, making these simple changes in your life can help boost your mood and prevent depression. Hope that you're ok now.     

[MPH]

Let us know how you are getting on, @@Pinkman !!! Hope you are doing ok!!!

[4everfox]

About three months or so after someone very close to me passed away something strange happened to me, I started to think I was dying or terminally ill for no reason and I was absolutely convinced by it. If I had a headache I'd think I had a brain tumour, having a cold would make me think I had lung cancer or some other malicious respiratory disease, having indigestion would result in me thinking I had bowel cancer. It all began by me experiencing heart attack like symptoms and from then on I was convinced I was going to go into cardiac arrest at any moment. I went through that for several months before seeking help and it practically made my life unbearable and I did consider suicide several times. It turns out I had been suffering from a form of anxiety brought on by the death of the person who I was close to and those heart attack symptoms I experienced were actually caused by panic attacks. Six months on and I still get the occasional urge to blame mild symptoms such as muscle spasms and stomach ache on life threatening diseases but I just remind myself that the cause of these invasive thoughts are my loved one who passed away and that they would hate to know that they are the cause of my internal demons. Beating depression and anxiety takes time and it begins with seeking help. Good luck.

[Pinkman]

Let us know how you are getting on, @@Pinkman !!! Hope you are doing ok!!!

 

I'm okay thanks. Cheers

[MrSpaM]

No.

 

 

Boredom is extremely common.

 

I hate to tell you this mate, but you've gone to university for all the wrong reasons

 

Everybody gets bored sometimes, but if all your looking forward to is going out and getting wrecked at the weekends and putting no effort into your course I would seriously re-asses what you actually want to do with your life.

 

I don't mean this to sound horrible, but I've known too many people that have gone to university because they feel like they need to have a 4 year party, and they've all ended up in a worse position than they were in before they even went.

 

Life is about to get a hell of a lot more boring for you once you leave university if the only qualification you get from 4 years of work is the 'Being drunk and high' award

[Carl the Llama]

It doesn't help when the people around you behave like they understand and even make gestures to indicate they're there if you need them but go silent on you the second you try reaching out.

 

Feels a lot like falling off a ship and drowning while someone on deck dangles a life preserver just out of your reach.  It's the hope that kills I guess.  The other day I set off down the motorway and I genuinely didn't know if I was coming back.  Turns out no-matter how dead inside people make me the voice that says things have to improve never dies and I'm beginning to wonder if that's even a good thing.

[Carl the Llama]

*post deleted.  Stupid thing to say, having a bad day so far.

Edited 1 March 2016 by Carl the Llama

[Buce]

It doesn't help when the people around you behave like they understand and even make gestures to indicate they're there if you need them but go silent on you the second you try reaching out.

Feels a lot like falling off a ship and drowning while someone on deck dangles a life preserver just out of your reach. It's the hope that kills I guess. The other day I set off down the motorway and I genuinely didn't know if I was coming back. Turns out no-matter how dead inside people make me the voice that says things have to improve never dies and I'm beginning to wonder if that's even a good thing.

Yeah, it's a good thing, Carl. Depression skews one's perception of reality; that voice is the part of your mind that recognizes that.

[Haydos]

*post deleted.  Stupid thing to say, having a bad day so far.

 

Is it something you're struggling with at the moment? Sorry, I can't remember whos's said what in this thread.

[Carl the Llama]

Is it something you're struggling with at the moment? Sorry, I can't remember whos's said what in this thread.

It's been years since I first tried getting help at uni but even more years before that when it first occurred to me that I was perceiving things and taking them a different way to everyone else and growing socially isolated as a result, possibly even as young as 13 which would mean I've been living with it for half my life now.  I think that's my first post in here because I tend not to discuss it; after all these years I'm a dab hand at repressing emotions since any attempt at discussing personal feelings with my parents inevitably wound up either with them being disregarded out of hand (what problems could a young middle-class child possibly have) or if I pushed on with my concerns my mother taking it personally (because any display of unhappiness is an insult to her great parenting) and directing the argument towards how much I've upset her by getting angry rather than how we can address the issue that upset me in the first place.  The result being I spent childhood learning to keep every last problem to myself, having nobody I trusted to turn to during years of bullying, not being able to open up around friends and slowly drifting away from them all. I thought that it would all be fine once I was old enough to leave home for university and make a life for myself but the complete and utter lack of self-determination and terrible interpersonal skills I developed during the years of increasing isolation and perceived hate from all corners put paid to that idea too. I became so focused on trying to become a normal, social person that I completed disregarded my studies and ended up failing on both counts. 

Now I basically serve no function in life, nobody benefits from my presence, I don't know how to gain new friends or even maintain the 'friendships' I have (inverted commas because I'm not sure how sincere any of them are, for all I know the only reason they haven't completely deserted me is because they pity me and can't quite bring themselves to break the acquaintance), I have no qualifications so I'm not sure where the next job's coming from while I live as frugally as I can off my payout from getting fired for having the conscience to stick up for co-workers at my old job and in a few hours time I'll have repressed what triggered this afternoon's attack that tipped me over the edge from keeping it all to myself and get back to quietly suffering and hoping that something changes while being too infuriatingly self-defeatist to really bother trying to fix it anymore (which is another reason I tend not to talk about it because people need to want to help themselves and I'm so sure there is no helping me after the efforts I've previously made that I can't summon the effort any more anyway so that's only going to piss off anyone who tries to sympathise).

[James.]

Carl have you thought about stopping smoking weed. From quite a significant amount of personal experience as well as that of many friends of mine I would say it's often at the very least a step in the right direction.

[Carl the Llama]

Carl have you thought about stopping smoking weed. From quite a significant amount of personal experience as well as that of many friends of mine I would say it's often at the very least a step in the right direction.

Many, many times.  It was one of the first things I tried at uni but without support it only makes getting to sleep more difficult, blocking out negative thoughts much harder, and the loneliness becomes even more lonely.  Bearing in mind the whole weed thing probably started as a subconscious coping mechanism for the issue which was very much already there in the first place.  But yeah normally that would be my go-to advice for someone suffering depression who also smokes.

[ScouseFox]

Can't say no to da doobies

[DJ Barry Hammond]

Bloody hell Carl... your post above reads a lot like my own situation, especially the family situation.

For me it really came to a head just before Christmas to the point I just stopped... and I mean stopped, everything including going out, getting up, eating, talking - and yet my brain seemed to be working in some sense because I felt it was a way of both protecting myself and trying to communicate with my family through silence that I needed change both within my life and from them (I know that last bit sounds odd, but when you've tried addressing things in words and not suceeding, the opposite seemed worth a try... and then it stuck).

I had started to come round before Christmas, with Leicester being a great support as it gave me a purpose to go and sit in a corner of a pub and watch the games, my interest in things like reading picked up and some ideas about how I might want to shape my life going forward if the chance was afforded, but these improvement signs weren't picked up and the endless mental health team visits continued, but because they were done with family present I remained silent... and so I ended up getting sectioned on New Year's Eve.

This was quite a horrible shock to the system and so my rational side quickly snapped Into gear to get me out as soon as possible... and with renewed purpose, but I'm now confronted with the frustrating situation of having a direction I want to go in, but no way to put that properly into action without assistance... but my family will not even entertain the idea of helping me as they believing I should go back to the exact situation prior to my breakdown - and so the cycle continues.

Anyway, I wish you all the best Carl. Hope you don't mind me hijacking your situation a little - it was completely selfish of me as it's purely about my own carthetic release!

[DJ Barry Hammond]

Awaits someone's fake suprise that I've been in the "nut house" recently...

[Carl the Llama]

Bloody hell Carl... your post above reads a lot like my own situation, especially the family situation.

For me it really came to a head just before Christmas to the point I just stopped... and I mean stopped, everything including going out, getting up, eating, talking - and yet my brain seemed to be working in some sense because I felt it was a way of both protecting myself and trying to communicate with my family through silence that I needed change both within my life and from them (I know that last bit sounds odd, but when you've tried addressing things in words and not suceeding, the opposite seemed worth a try... and then it stuck).

I had started to come round before Christmas, with Leicester being a great support as it gave me a purpose to go and sit in a corner of a pub and watch the games, my interest in things like reading picked up and some ideas about how I might want to shape my life going forward if the chance was afforded, but these improvement signs weren't picked up and the endless mental health team visits continued, but because they were done with family present I remained silent... and so I ended up getting sectioned on New Year's Eve.

This was quite a horrible shock to the system and so my rational side quickly snapped Into gear to get me out as soon as possible... and with renewed purpose, but I'm now confronted with the frustrating situation of having a direction I want to go in, but no way to put that properly into action without assistance... but my family will not even entertain the idea of helping me as they believing I should go back to the exact situation prior to my breakdown - and so the cycle continues.

Anyway, I wish you all the best Carl. Hope you don't mind me hijacking your situation a little - it was completely selfish of me as it's purely about my own carthetic release!

Not at all I'm glad someone else is taking the attention away because talking about it makes me so uncomfortable, plus the fact you got carted off for it really puts my own issues in perspective, I suppose in a way it shows that your family care and want you to get better?

 

 

Can't say no to da doobies

If I had boobies to say no to perhaps there'd be less of a problem Scouse

Edited 1 March 2016 by Carl the Llama

[ScouseFox]

Nah doobies is scouse for weed bro nobody goes without or says no to that lots of love xoxo

[Nick]

There's some really honest and heartfelt stuff in here and I wish all those concerned future happiness and good health.

 

I'm unable to comment on individual situations but for me I spent over a year really down, isolated with low self worth, rarely going outside.... One day I woke up and it didn't feel so bad - it was like my body started producing serotonin again.

 

I had hope and was looking forward to stuff - something that I hadn't felt for some time. It was a slow road but it got better every day.

 

Hang in there team - there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Carl the Llama]

Nah doobies is scouse for weed bro nobody goes without or says no to that lots of love xoxo

Oh right I just can't read.

[Col city fan]

It's been years since I first tried getting help at uni but even more years before that when it first occurred to me that I was perceiving things and taking them a different way to everyone else and growing socially isolated as a result, possibly even as young as 13 which would mean I've been living with it for half my life now. I think that's my first post in here because I tend not to discuss it; after all these years I'm a dab hand at repressing emotions since any attempt at discussing personal feelings with my parents inevitably wound up either with them being disregarded out of hand (what problems could a young middle-class child possibly have) or if I pushed on with my concerns my mother taking it personally (because any display of unhappiness is an insult to her great parenting) and directing the argument towards how much I've upset her by getting angry rather than how we can address the issue that upset me in the first place. The result being I spent childhood learning to keep every last problem to myself, having nobody I trusted to turn to during years of bullying, not being able to open up around friends and slowly drifting away from them all. I thought that it would all be fine once I was old enough to leave home for university and make a life for myself but the complete and utter lack of self-determination and terrible interpersonal skills I developed during the years of increasing isolation and perceived hate from all corners put paid to that idea too. I became so focused on trying to become a normal, social person that I completed disregarded my studies and ended up failing on both counts.

Now I basically serve no function in life, nobody benefits from my presence, I don't know how to gain new friends or even maintain the 'friendships' I have (inverted commas because I'm not sure how sincere any of them are, for all I know the only reason they haven't completely deserted me is because they pity me and can't quite bring themselves to break the acquaintance), I have no qualifications so I'm not sure where the next job's coming from while I live as frugally as I can off my payout from getting fired for having the conscience to stick up for co-workers at my old job and in a few hours time I'll have repressed what triggered this afternoon's attack that tipped me over the edge from keeping it all to myself and get back to quietly suffering and hoping that something changes while being too infuriatingly self-defeatist to really bother trying to fix it anymore (which is another reason I tend not to talk about it because people need to want to help themselves and I'm so sure there is no helping me after the efforts I've previously made that I can't summon the effort any more anyway so that's only going to piss off anyone who tries to sympathise).

Mate...Im sure you've got tons to offer. Edited 1 March 2016 by Col city fan

[Col city fan]

There's some really honest and heartfelt stuff in here and I wish all those concerned future happiness and good health.

I'm unable to comment on individual situations but for me I spent over a year really down, isolated with low self worth, rarely going outside.... One day I woke up and it didn't feel so bad - it was like my body started producing serotonin again.

I had hope and was looking forward to stuff - something that I hadn't felt for some time. It was a slow road but it got better every day.

Hang in there team - there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You've become one of my favourite posters mate. Good post again.. Edited 1 March 2016 by Col city fan

[DJ Barry Hammond]

Not at all I'm glad someone else is taking the attention away because talking about it makes me so uncomfortable, plus the fact you got carted off for it really puts my own issues in perspective, I suppose in a way it shows that your family care and want you to get better?

 

 

It was certainly an experience put it that way.

One thing I will mention, not just for your benefit but for anyone reading this and it's only a little thing - when greeting someone or they ask "how are you" try to get used to answering with a positive - "yes, I'm really good thanks" or something similar.

It's just a little mind trick that when you do it regularly makes you feel better about yourself and in turn makes the person you're speaking to feel more positive... and so enables positivity to spread onto others throughout the day

Sadly the term "yeah ok" is an automatic response that holds a negative overtone.