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Pinkman

Depression

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I've been pondering whether to post in here for a while. I'm not looking for advice really as I know what I can/should do, just need to get stuff off my chest.

 

I've never mentioned this to anyone before. I absolutely do not have a family I can talk through stuff like this with.

 

It started when I was 18. I'd just got my first job in the summer, looking forward to starting uni in September. Then one morning, my house is full of police. I'd been committing "cyber crimes" as part of a group. Nothing serious like hacking etc, just a bit of fun. I'd never had many friends growing up and I'm extremely shy, and this group made me feel important and I had a huge group of "mates". So anyway they arrest me and take all the equipment out the house. I miss the day of work, had to get my dad to phone in sick for me. Get interviewed and bailed and think nothing of it. I thought, it's not a serious crime, why are they wasting their time, people don't get done for this so why worry.

 

So I start uni in September and it's great. Make friends, go out all the time. Met my first ever girlfriend. Finished uni with a 2:1 in a science degree and prepare to start my career. I got a letter in that summer, stating I was going to court (bear in mind I hadn't heard anything for the whole 3 and a bit years I was at uni). Then I start to worry, but not too much as I still think, meh it's nothing serious. By this time I had a flat with my girlfriend. 

 

So I go to my sentencing (in Durham - location of the "ringleader"). Still in thinking nothing off it, don't take anything, clothes etc, with me. Get there, BAM sentenced to 2 years immediate sentence. So I'm in this prison in Durham aged 21 in a suit with nothing else. Following year was hell obviously, young middle class lad surrounded by drug dealers and murderers. They sort of looked after me though as they knew I shouldn't be there.

 

Get out of prison, my girlfriend has not only left me but cheated on me pretty much throughout the entire time I was there (prior to leaving me, a couple weeks before I was released). So, back to the parents to start again.

 

Due to the crime, I was banned from the internet for my probation. One drunken night I downloaded tinder and matched with a girl. I was very drunk and I had left my cigarettes in the car (I had a tag on), and i asked her to come over and get them out. Long story short we are still together now going on 4 years and saving for a house.

 

However my girlfriend had a very traumatic life. She suffers extreme depression and is on anti-depressants. I have been her rock. I have been there for her throughout. She is a lot better now but not fully. This is part of the problem. I've talked to her a little about how I'm feeling but I'm scared of sending her back, and I'm no way near as bad as she was so I don't want to do that. She is fully understanding and supportive, I just don't want to burden her. She has a great job from her degree, in fact just had a promotion and pay rise after 6 months, with talks of placing her on a management course.

 

I am a huge travel fan, have been pretty much all around the world. This past week has really hit me though and I'm feeling extremely shit, tight chested etc all the time. I know it's not a big issue, but this Brexit bollocks about visa waivers is really worrying me. I'm scared I won't be able to go on holiday again after. I already can't go to the US, Canada or Australia (thankfully I'd been to the first 2 prior to my conviction). It was also my girlfriend's dream to visit, perhaps live in Canada, something not possible for me but she stayed despite that.

 

I think in the years after my release I medicated myself with alcohol. I never really felt like I had a problem, but I'd drink 5-10 beers every single night without fail. I developed a tolerance to the booze so even on that much  I was just a bit merry, but it's not good. Recently I successfully did that stoptober, which made me feel better. Drinking again now but nowhere near the same level. More socially than anything.

 

I have a polish grandfather so theoretically I can claim a passport through him, however the application process is extremely complicated, and he's 96 with not much time left.

 

I haven't seen any of my old friends in the 6 years since my release despite many attempts on my side.

 

I'm lucky I still have my job from age 18 as it is very well paid, but completely unskilled. However the job gets to me also, I have zero future here. I see everyone from my course getting dream jobs and I'm stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I've gone for these jobs but got nowhere and now I fear it's too long since my degree with no experience in between.

 

What's weird is throughout my life, I've always been extremely laid back and not worried about anything. Even with all that stuff going on, I didn't care. However something so insignificant like brexit has properly set me off. I just worry all the time. 

 

As I refered to before about my family, I mentioned this concern to them. For context, they all voted leave. They tell me to stop being stupid, it's not going to happen, I can still go there. I don't know whether it is all bullshit and I'm worked up over nothing or not.

 

Having read this thread a lot, i know my problems seem so small in comparison, and also entirely my own making. Just wanted to finally say it out loud, as it were.

 

Probably missed a lot of info and details, ah well. I feel better just from typing this all out.

 

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7 minutes ago, Kopic said:

I've been pondering whether to post in here for a while. I'm not looking for advice really as I know what I can/should do, just need to get stuff off my chest.

 

I've never mentioned this to anyone before. I absolutely do not have a family I can talk through stuff like this with.

 

It started when I was 18. I'd just got my first job in the summer, looking forward to starting uni in September. Then one morning, my house is full of police. I'd been committing "cyber crimes" as part of a group. Nothing serious like hacking etc, just a bit of fun. I'd never had many friends growing up and I'm extremely shy, and this group made me feel important and I had a huge group of "mates". So anyway they arrest me and take all the equipment out the house. I miss the day of work, had to get my dad to phone in sick for me. Get interviewed and bailed and think nothing of it. I thought, it's not a serious crime, why are they wasting their time, people don't get done for this so why worry.

 

So I start uni in September and it's great. Make friends, go out all the time. Met my first ever girlfriend. Finished uni with a 2:1 in a science degree and prepare to start my career. I got a letter in that summer, stating I was going to court (bear in mind I hadn't heard anything for the whole 3 and a bit years I was at uni). Then I start to worry, but not too much as I still think, meh it's nothing serious. By this time I had a flat with my girlfriend. 

 

So I go to my sentencing (in Durham - location of the "ringleader"). Still in thinking nothing off it, don't take anything, clothes etc, with me. Get there, BAM sentenced to 2 years immediate sentence. So I'm in this prison in Durham aged 21 in a suit with nothing else. Following year was hell obviously, young middle class lad surrounded by drug dealers and murderers. They sort of looked after me though as they knew I shouldn't be there.

 

Get out of prison, my girlfriend has not only left me but cheated on me pretty much throughout the entire time I was there (prior to leaving me, a couple weeks before I was released). So, back to the parents to start again.

 

Due to the crime, I was banned from the internet for my probation. One drunken night I downloaded tinder and matched with a girl. I was very drunk and I had left my cigarettes in the car (I had a tag on), and i asked her to come over and get them out. Long story short we are still together now going on 4 years and saving for a house.

 

However my girlfriend had a very traumatic life. She suffers extreme depression and is on anti-depressants. I have been her rock. I have been there for her throughout. She is a lot better now but not fully. This is part of the problem. I've talked to her a little about how I'm feeling but I'm scared of sending her back, and I'm no way near as bad as she was so I don't want to do that. She is fully understanding and supportive, I just don't want to burden her. She has a great job from her degree, in fact just had a promotion and pay rise after 6 months, with talks of placing her on a management course.

 

I am a huge travel fan, have been pretty much all around the world. This past week has really hit me though and I'm feeling extremely shit, tight chested etc all the time. I know it's not a big issue, but this Brexit bollocks about visa waivers is really worrying me. I'm scared I won't be able to go on holiday again after. I already can't go to the US, Canada or Australia (thankfully I'd been to the first 2 prior to my conviction). It was also my girlfriend's dream to visit, perhaps live in Canada, something not possible for me but she stayed despite that.

 

I think in the years after my release I medicated myself with alcohol. I never really felt like I had a problem, but I'd drink 5-10 beers every single night without fail. I developed a tolerance to the booze so even on that much  I was just a bit merry, but it's not good. Recently I successfully did that stoptober, which made me feel better. Drinking again now but nowhere near the same level. More socially than anything.

 

I have a polish grandfather so theoretically I can claim a passport through him, however the application process is extremely complicated, and he's 96 with not much time left.

 

I haven't seen any of my old friends in the 6 years since my release despite many attempts on my side.

 

I'm lucky I still have my job from age 18 as it is very well paid, but completely unskilled. However the job gets to me also, I have zero future here. I see everyone from my course getting dream jobs and I'm stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I've gone for these jobs but got nowhere and now I fear it's too long since my degree with no experience in between.

 

What's weird is throughout my life, I've always been extremely laid back and not worried about anything. Even with all that stuff going on, I didn't care. However something so insignificant like brexit has properly set me off. I just worry all the time. 

 

As I refered to before about my family, I mentioned this concern to them. For context, they all voted leave. They tell me to stop being stupid, it's not going to happen, I can still go there. I don't know whether it is all bullshit and I'm worked up over nothing or not.

 

Having read this thread a lot, i know my problems seem so small in comparison, and also entirely my own making. Just wanted to finally say it out loud, as it were.

 

Probably missed a lot of info and details, ah well. I feel better just from typing this all out.

 

 

I know you're not looking for advice but do you mind if I give some anyway?

 

Don't waste emotional energy on the unknowable - the way things are going Brexit may not even happen, and if it doesn't you've beaten yourself up for nothing.

 

The past cannot be changed and the future is unwritten, so concentrate your energies on what is good in your life now.

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As I understand it the ETIAS scheme is more about preventing terrorism than anything else.  Worst case you don't qualify for the scheme and you have to apply for a Shengen visa instead.  It is very very unlikely you would be stopped from travelling as a tourist in the EU.

 

On the other stuff, we all make mistakes, and you have clearly moved on from them.  I am not sure about the US, but I am sure Canada has an allowance for ignoring criminal offences after 10 years (ie you are rehabilitated) so you might be able to move in future if you keep your nose clean and show you have moved on.

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Good news for you, @Kopic:

 

'Citizens of the United Kingdom who have convictions considered "spent" under the 1974 Rehabilitation of Offenders Act do not have to apply for "rehabilitation", as they are automatically pardoned under the 1991 Federal Court of Appeals case Canada (Minister of Employment and Immigration) v. Burgon, [1991] due to the similarity of the two countries' legal systems. Guidance issued to border officers in the ENF14 /OP 19 Criminal Rehabilitation Manual specifies: "the UK Rehabilitation of Offenders Act automatically pardons eligible individuals without the person having to apply [for Rehabilitation], if the person has been sentenced to a term of imprisonment of less than 30 months". However, some exceptions to this rule have been witnessed.'

 

https://en.wikivoyage.org/wiki/Traveling_with_a_criminal_history

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1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

Good news for you, @Kopic:

 

'Citizens of the United Kingdom who have convictions considered "spent" under the 1974 Rehabilitation of Offenders Act do not have to apply for "rehabilitation", as they are automatically pardoned under the 1991 Federal Court of Appeals case Canada (Minister of Employment and Immigration) v. Burgon, [1991] due to the similarity of the two countries' legal systems. Guidance issued to border officers in the ENF14 /OP 19 Criminal Rehabilitation Manual specifies: "the UK Rehabilitation of Offenders Act automatically pardons eligible individuals without the person having to apply [for Rehabilitation], if the person has been sentenced to a term of imprisonment of less than 30 months". However, some exceptions to this rule have been witnessed.'

 

https://en.wikivoyage.org/wiki/Traveling_with_a_criminal_history

Exactly!  Well googled that man.  

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1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

I know you're not looking for advice but do you mind if I give some anyway?

 

Don't waste emotional energy on the unknowable - the way things are going Brexit may not even happen, and if it doesn't you've beaten yourself up for nothing.

 

The past cannot be changed and the future is unwritten, so concentrate your energies on what is good in your life now.

Cheers. I know it's not really worth worrying about as yet. I've just never in my life experienced real anxiety like this before. Funny thing is, i was absolutely fine, blissfully unaware, until a few days ago, when I read the brexit thread here and saw about it, leading to more research. Worse case scenario I still have south America and Asia. But you're right, everything else in my life is okay at the moment. Job situation isn't ideal, but at least I still have it and can support myself with it. 

 

1 hour ago, Jon the Hat said:

As I understand it the ETIAS scheme is more about preventing terrorism than anything else.  Worst case you don't qualify for the scheme and you have to apply for a Shengen visa instead.  It is very very unlikely you would be stopped from travelling as a tourist in the EU.

 

On the other stuff, we all make mistakes, and you have clearly moved on from them.  I am not sure about the US, but I am sure Canada has an allowance for ignoring criminal offences after 10 years (ie you are rehabilitated) so you might be able to move in future if you keep your nose clean and show you have moved on.

Cheers. Yeah silly things done as a child coming back to haunt me, but i could be a lot worse off.

 

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

Good news for you, @Kopic:

 

'Citizens of the United Kingdom who have convictions considered "spent" under the 1974 Rehabilitation of Offenders Act do not have to apply for "rehabilitation", as they are automatically pardoned under the 1991 Federal Court of Appeals case Canada (Minister of Employment and Immigration) v. Burgon, [1991] due to the similarity of the two countries' legal systems. Guidance issued to border officers in the ENF14 /OP 19 Criminal Rehabilitation Manual specifies: "the UK Rehabilitation of Offenders Act automatically pardons eligible individuals without the person having to apply [for Rehabilitation], if the person has been sentenced to a term of imprisonment of less than 30 months". However, some exceptions to this rule have been witnessed.'

 

https://en.wikivoyage.org/wiki/Traveling_with_a_criminal_history

Hmm that sounds good. Will have to do some more research on the subject. I was sure Canada had some rule similar to the moral turpitude or whatever it is in the US, which my offence would class under unfortunately, barring access. Certainly going to look into it though, might be a better Christmas present for the other half than all the tat i've bought her.

 

Definitely feeling better from posting, just by not having it all in my head released some pressure. What a thread. Thanks guys.

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9 minutes ago, Kopic said:

Cheers. I know it's not really worth worrying about as yet. I've just never in my life experienced real anxiety like this before. Funny thing is, i was absolutely fine, blissfully unaware, until a few days ago, when I read the brexit thread here and saw about it, leading to more research. Worse case scenario I still have south America and Asia. But you're right, everything else in my life is okay at the moment. Job situation isn't ideal, but at least I still have it and can support myself with it. 

 

Cheers. Yeah silly things done as a child coming back to haunt me, but i could be a lot worse off.

 

Hmm that sounds good. Will have to do some more research on the subject. I was sure Canada had some rule similar to the moral turpitude or whatever it is in the US, which my offence would class under unfortunately, barring access. Certainly going to look into it though, might be a better Christmas present for the other half than all the tat i've bought her.

 

Definitely feeling better from posting, just by not having it all in my head released some pressure. What a thread. Thanks guys.

 

No worries. :) 

 

Regarding the US ‘moral turpitude’ issue, if I’m reading it right it only bars you from visa-free travel - you can still apply for a travel visa in the normal way, which requires an interview at the embassy and some paperwork from UK Plod, and they will make a judgement based on criteria like seriousness of offence, how long ago it was committed, length of imprisonment etc. So, it’s not quite as bleak as it seems. 

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On 11/12/2018 at 19:48, gw_leics772 said:

From facebook

Did you know that if you text HOME to 741741 when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, a crisis worker will text you back immediately and will continue to text with you? Many people, especially younger ones, don't like talking over the phone and would feel more comfortable texting. This is a free service for anyone - if you would like to join me in raising awareness, please copy and paste this.
#SuicideAwareness
#YouAreImportant
??‍♀️It takes just a copy and a paste!

Just tried this. It’s an American thing I’m afraid. Can’t find it for this country. 

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On 13/12/2018 at 16:16, egg_fried_rice said:

@urban.spaceman as these are your words, please just text her 'your

pushy behaviour bordered on harassment last week and I really don’t need that shite.' then block her number.

 

She is taking the piss. You owe her nothing. Don't waste your time meeting  up. Then get yer sen off to Dublin asap and indulge in a pint or ten of the black stuff. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better than before though.

 

I've been dealing with entitled bellends at work all week and along with the usual feckless colleagues it's wearing me down. My body/brain has taken to waking me up in the middle of the night now despite the fact I'm eating and exercising well and sticking to a regular meditation practice. This constant irritability usually leads to a bit of an episode but I'm trying not to let it beat me. The Christmas break can't come soon enough.

 

 

On 13/12/2018 at 16:23, Xen said:

That is harassment - nothing borderline about it.

Glad to hear you've resolved to turn her down, but as @egg_fried_rice said, don't even give her the courtesy of meeting with her. She'll only use that as an excuse to continue/escalate the abuse, and nobody deserves that. Especially not you as it seems you've been genuinely considerate and attempted to be accomodating throughout this ordeal.

 

Your mate from Tuesday sounds like a true friend, I'm glad she was able to give you the support you needed.

Thanks for your help last week lads. Chatted to the family friend the and woman’s phone and texts ceased. Against my better judgement (and after ignoring the family friends calls for 3 days) I’ve agreed to meet her tomorrow. I know, I know. I just felt I owed it to the family friend as a courtesy. Though I will explain straight up that I’ve been in a bit of a mental health crisis the last fornight, and then tell this woman that I'm still ill and won’t be available till the New Year. After another chat with my oldest pal I’m going to book a trip to Dublin in early January that I am definitely, definitely doing. 

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1 minute ago, Jon the Hat said:

You guys are important and the world is far better for having you all in it. This thread is ****ing gold.  The festive period can be tough, stay strong and enjoy what you can friends.  Love you all.

Bless ya Jon. Merry Christmas mate :)

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50 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Merry Christmas Jon. 

 

Merry Christmas to everyone in this thread too; to those who are struggling and those who have helped me through my struggles. This thread has been a huge help to me, I just wish I could offer the same amount of support in return. 

 

I hope you're all able to have a peaceful day. 

You will do mate. One day, when the time is right.

 

That's the beauty of this thread. Those who have suffered in the past (and still do) were given much needed support when they needed it most, and now support others who are going through similar tough times. 

 

I believe we all have a responsibility to 'pay it forward' but only when we feel comfortable to do so. And as others regularly say on here, just sharing our troubles helps others who are reading the thread but may not be up to posting on it.

 

We're all together in unison and harmony on here. It's not a competition about who can offer the best or most support - as long as we're all just here for each other and continue to share in a safe and trusting thread.

 

Take good care buddy and merry Christmas.

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love out to my fellow strugglers over Xmas 

 

can be tough but let's all be thankful for the good shit that we do have and enjoy a little downtime to repair ourselves. 

 

remember the good ones that we've lost and enjoy the company of the good ones who remain. 

 

big up and here's to a bless 2019

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First of all, merry Christmas to everyone in this thread, readers and contributors alike. It's often been great solace for me and I'm sure others too.

 

I tend to have a tough time around Christmas, and have had a bad evening today. It started so innocuously - my parents brought out all my old school reports and certificates for a bit of a laugh. They didn't and don't know school was a very tough time for me when I felt immense pressure to succeed but also felt like I had nowhere to turn for support. Around a-levels it caused me to stop trying and suppress how I really felt - like if I didn't try then I couldn't really fail/be hurt. I got stress bumps on my neck and massively underacheived in my exams. This carried on through university and beyond really, always doing the bare minimum to get by.

 

It hit me like a punch in the throat, reading some of the comments on reports. 'In danger of failing', 'needs to revise to ensure he doesn't underachieve', 'must improve attendance' - choked up and tears in my eyes immediately. I made my excuses and went to another room. Had a sad nap which tends to be my go-to course of action oddly enough. I was so surprised by the intensity of my reaction. It was like I was feeling a distillation of the stress and anguish I'd felt at the time and ever since. I think that my time at school was the start of the general feelings of inadequacy, underacheivement, and self-hatred I carry around with me regularly, but what's so stupid is that I'm 30 years old and know this is all long behind me. It doesn't really affect me on a day to day level although there are lingering effects of the attitude, not least an unfullfilling and unchallenging career. I know I should forgive my teenage self and really want to - after all, who didn't do something stupid at that age? I didn't hurt anyone or do anything nasty - it just boils down to a bunch of questions on bits of paper at the end of the day! Ive spoken about it before in counselling and practice meditation on forgiveness for myself and others. I even try to cultivate a bit more self-compassion and self-love (nudge nudge wink wink). And yet it floored me.

 

I feel so stupid, shedding tears alone on a fold out bed in the study on xmas eve. Why does this still have such a hold on me? It's clearly unresolved and I thought I'd made progress. Plus, this all seems so trite in comparison with what many of you are going through. I know it's not a competition and that my feelings are legitimate, but it's sure hard to shake it off.

 

Not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve here but typing it out is helpful. I'll try to generate some gratitude for some time off around loved ones and the fact I don't have any 'real' problems to speak of. Thanks for reading.

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1 hour ago, egg_fried_rice said:

First of all, merry Christmas to everyone in this thread, readers and contributors alike. It's often been great solace for me and I'm sure others too.

 

I tend to have a tough time around Christmas, and have had a bad evening today. It started so innocuously - my parents brought out all my old school reports and certificates for a bit of a laugh. They didn't and don't know school was a very tough time for me when I felt immense pressure to succeed but also felt like I had nowhere to turn for support. Around a-levels it caused me to stop trying and suppress how I really felt - like if I didn't try then I couldn't really fail/be hurt. I got stress bumps on my neck and massively underacheived in my exams. This carried on through university and beyond really, always doing the bare minimum to get by.

 

It hit me like a punch in the throat, reading some of the comments on reports. 'In danger of failing', 'needs to revise to ensure he doesn't underachieve', 'must improve attendance' - choked up and tears in my eyes immediately. I made my excuses and went to another room. Had a sad nap which tends to be my go-to course of action oddly enough. I was so surprised by the intensity of my reaction. It was like I was feeling a distillation of the stress and anguish I'd felt at the time and ever since. I think that my time at school was the start of the general feelings of inadequacy, underacheivement, and self-hatred I carry around with me regularly, but what's so stupid is that I'm 30 years old and know this is all long behind me. It doesn't really affect me on a day to day level although there are lingering effects of the attitude, not least an unfullfilling and unchallenging career. I know I should forgive my teenage self and really want to - after all, who didn't do something stupid at that age? I didn't hurt anyone or do anything nasty - it just boils down to a bunch of questions on bits of paper at the end of the day! Ive spoken about it before in counselling and practice meditation on forgiveness for myself and others. I even try to cultivate a bit more self-compassion and self-love (nudge nudge wink wink). And yet it floored me.

 

I feel so stupid, shedding tears alone on a fold out bed in the study on xmas eve. Why does this still have such a hold on me? It's clearly unresolved and I thought I'd made progress. Plus, this all seems so trite in comparison with what many of you are going through. I know it's not a competition and that my feelings are legitimate, but it's sure hard to shake it off.

 

Not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve here but typing it out is helpful. I'll try to generate some gratitude for some time off around loved ones and the fact I don't have any 'real' problems to speak of. Thanks for reading.

You never forget the rough times mate. Life is hard in so many ways at so many different intervals of life. Its okay to have these moments and let it out. Never keep it inside.

 

Most importantly merry christmas. Wish you all the best and happy times ahead.

 

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Hey folks, just a quick note to all who are struggling today and any other day. 

 

There are people thinking and caring about you, next year probably wont be perfect, but there will always be someone who cares and wants the best for you :)

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