Depression

[Relocated Fox]

Merry Christmas everyone, or just Happy Tuesday for anyone who doesn't celebrate it. If there's anyone struggling today I just wanted to say that life can get better, it might seem insurmountable at times but things can and will improve, nothing comes easy, if anyone needs someone to talk to then reply to me and I'll listen anytime. There's always someone who cares, it doesn't need to be someone you know. 

[urban.spaceman]

Hope you’re all well. 

[Paninistickers]

On 17/12/2018 at 10:51, Kopic said:

I've been pondering whether to post in here for a while. I'm not looking for advice really as I know what I can/should do, just need to get stuff off my chest.

 

I've never mentioned this to anyone before. I absolutely do not have a family I can talk through stuff like this with.

 

It started when I was 18. I'd just got my first job in the summer, looking forward to starting uni in September. Then one morning, my house is full of police. I'd been committing "cyber crimes" as part of a group. Nothing serious like hacking etc, just a bit of fun. I'd never had many friends growing up and I'm extremely shy, and this group made me feel important and I had a huge group of "mates". So anyway they arrest me and take all the equipment out the house. I miss the day of work, had to get my dad to phone in sick for me. Get interviewed and bailed and think nothing of it. I thought, it's not a serious crime, why are they wasting their time, people don't get done for this so why worry.

 

So I start uni in September and it's great. Make friends, go out all the time. Met my first ever girlfriend. Finished uni with a 2:1 in a science degree and prepare to start my career. I got a letter in that summer, stating I was going to court (bear in mind I hadn't heard anything for the whole 3 and a bit years I was at uni). Then I start to worry, but not too much as I still think, meh it's nothing serious. By this time I had a flat with my girlfriend. 

 

So I go to my sentencing (in Durham - location of the "ringleader"). Still in thinking nothing off it, don't take anything, clothes etc, with me. Get there, BAM sentenced to 2 years immediate sentence. So I'm in this prison in Durham aged 21 in a suit with nothing else. Following year was hell obviously, young middle class lad surrounded by drug dealers and murderers. They sort of looked after me though as they knew I shouldn't be there.

 

Get out of prison, my girlfriend has not only left me but cheated on me pretty much throughout the entire time I was there (prior to leaving me, a couple weeks before I was released). So, back to the parents to start again.

 

Due to the crime, I was banned from the internet for my probation. One drunken night I downloaded tinder and matched with a girl. I was very drunk and I had left my cigarettes in the car (I had a tag on), and i asked her to come over and get them out. Long story short we are still together now going on 4 years and saving for a house.

 

However my girlfriend had a very traumatic life. She suffers extreme depression and is on anti-depressants. I have been her rock. I have been there for her throughout. She is a lot better now but not fully. This is part of the problem. I've talked to her a little about how I'm feeling but I'm scared of sending her back, and I'm no way near as bad as she was so I don't want to do that. She is fully understanding and supportive, I just don't want to burden her. She has a great job from her degree, in fact just had a promotion and pay rise after 6 months, with talks of placing her on a management course.

 

I am a huge travel fan, have been pretty much all around the world. This past week has really hit me though and I'm feeling extremely shit, tight chested etc all the time. I know it's not a big issue, but this Brexit bollocks about visa waivers is really worrying me. I'm scared I won't be able to go on holiday again after. I already can't go to the US, Canada or Australia (thankfully I'd been to the first 2 prior to my conviction). It was also my girlfriend's dream to visit, perhaps live in Canada, something not possible for me but she stayed despite that.

 

I think in the years after my release I medicated myself with alcohol. I never really felt like I had a problem, but I'd drink 5-10 beers every single night without fail. I developed a tolerance to the booze so even on that much  I was just a bit merry, but it's not good. Recently I successfully did that stoptober, which made me feel better. Drinking again now but nowhere near the same level. More socially than anything.

 

I have a polish grandfather so theoretically I can claim a passport through him, however the application process is extremely complicated, and he's 96 with not much time left.

 

I haven't seen any of my old friends in the 6 years since my release despite many attempts on my side.

 

I'm lucky I still have my job from age 18 as it is very well paid, but completely unskilled. However the job gets to me also, I have zero future here. I see everyone from my course getting dream jobs and I'm stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I've gone for these jobs but got nowhere and now I fear it's too long since my degree with no experience in between.

 

What's weird is throughout my life, I've always been extremely laid back and not worried about anything. Even with all that stuff going on, I didn't care. However something so insignificant like brexit has properly set me off. I just worry all the time. 

 

As I refered to before about my family, I mentioned this concern to them. For context, they all voted leave. They tell me to stop being stupid, it's not going to happen, I can still go there. I don't know whether it is all bullshit and I'm worked up over nothing or not.

 

Having read this thread a lot, i know my problems seem so small in comparison, and also entirely my own making. Just wanted to finally say it out loud, as it were.

 

Probably missed a lot of info and details, ah well. I feel better just from typing this all out.

 

Nice read fella.

 

Just as an aside, I served 8 weeks in a young offenders at 20. Middle class lad hopelessly out if its depth. Funny how some of the experienced lads took to me and made sure I was OK. No reason. There's a sharp sixth sense in there for the weak. Some exploit it. Others warm to it - even bad guys.

 

Second, I was a bit apprehensive about travel to the US. I chose to ignore it when completing the ESTA. I shat it at first at the border. They don't check. I've got in 5/6 times no problem.

[Claridge Clock]

ive been looking on here a while my son told me to look at the depessiuon topic this is the first time ive said anything i find lots of stuff nreally funny and amusing. i have bipolar and this site cheers me up sometimes. I have been a leicester city fan all my life and was born in loughborough road and  I was at the fa cup final in 1961 against tottenham with some friends when i was 19 years old and used to live in thurcaston. im really amazed at the support people seem to get that really is great there is some great advice on here and i really enjoy readibng some peoples comments you all seem to really support each other that is great it has taken me a long time to say something and i dont really want to say to much as it takes me a long time to tipe but i think it is great on here

[lifted*fox]

5 minutes ago, Claridge Clock said:

ive been looking on here a while my son told me to look at the depessiuon topic this is the first time ive said anything i find lots of stuff nreally funny and amusing. i have bipolar and this site cheers me up sometimes. I have been a leicester city fan all my life and was born in loughborough road and  I was at the fa cup final in 1961 against tottenham with some friends when i was 19 years old and used to live in thurcaston. im really amazed at the support people seem to get that really is great there is some great advice on here and i really enjoy readibng some peoples comments you all seem to really support each other that is great it has taken me a long time to say something and i dont really want to say to much as it takes me a long time to tipe but i think it is great on here

 

Welcome!

 

You can always share here and people are always happy to chat and try to offer advice. 

 

Be well! 

[Buce]

48 minutes ago, Claridge Clock said:

ive been looking on here a while my son told me to look at the depessiuon topic this is the first time ive said anything i find lots of stuff nreally funny and amusing. i have bipolar and this site cheers me up sometimes. I have been a leicester city fan all my life and was born in loughborough road and  I was at the fa cup final in 1961 against tottenham with some friends when i was 19 years old and used to live in thurcaston. im really amazed at the support people seem to get that really is great there is some great advice on here and i really enjoy readibng some peoples comments you all seem to really support each other that is great it has taken me a long time to say something and i dont really want to say to much as it takes me a long time to tipe but i think it is great on here

 

Welcome, mate.

 

Most of us in this thread have either suffered depression at one time or another or have friends/family who have, so whatever you might be going through, chances are we'll know pretty much where you're coming from. No pressure, but if you want to discuss your problems, you'll get sympathy and understanding - no one will judge you.

[HighPeakFox]

18 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Welcome, mate.

 

Most of us in this thread have either suffered depression at one time or another or have friends/family who have, so whatever you might be going through, chances are we'll know pretty much where you're coming from. No pressure, but if you want to discuss your problems, you'll get sympathy and understanding - no one will judge you.

I'm in Oadby this evening, as it goes...

[urban.spaceman]

May 2019 be filled with good health, mental wellbeing, prosperity and genuine happiness for all of you and your families. Thank you all for helping me through 2018!

[Izzy]

I've noticed something quite significant lately about my own mental health and well-being.

 

When I'm struggling, I lose my confidence, self esteem and self worth. I fall back into 'victim' mode and allow others who are mentally stronger than me to take advantage of my kindness and goodwill. As a victim of bullying as a child, I almost allow myself to be bullied again as an adult. I become subservient and let people walk over me which makes me feel even more worthless.

 

When I'm in a better place mentally, my whole demeanour changes, I stand taller and I look people in the eye as their equal. I stand up for myself, set clear boundaries and fight my corner. This is the version of me that feels confident and ready to take on the world.

 

In 2019 I refuse to be a victim again. I refuse to let other people or external events get me down. I will take responsibility for my emotional state and remain positive even when times get tough. I've had enough of playing second fiddle and being trampled over. When I'm tired and my thinking is crooked I'll recognise my negative thoughts for what they are - just thoughts and not my reality. I'm sick of suffering from "What if...?" thinking, catastrophising and making things up bad.

 

Fvck depression, fvck anxiety and fvck anyone who gets in my way. Time to take control of my life rather than letting life control me.

 

[Strokes]

1 hour ago, Izzy said:

I've noticed something quite significant lately about my own mental health and well-being.

 

When I'm struggling, I lose my confidence, self esteem and self worth. I fall back into 'victim' mode and allow others who are mentally stronger than me to take advantage of my kindness and goodwill. As a victim of bullying as a child, I almost allow myself to be bullied again as an adult. I become subservient and let people walk over me which makes me feel even more worthless.

 

When I'm in a better place mentally, my whole demeanour changes, I stand taller and I look people in the eye as their equal. I stand up for myself, set clear boundaries and fight my corner. This is the version of me that feels confident and ready to take on the world.

 

In 2019 I refuse to be a victim again. I refuse to let other people or external events get me down. I will take responsibility for my emotional state and remain positive even when times get tough. I've had enough of playing second fiddle and being trampled over. When I'm tired and my thinking is crooked I'll recognise my negative thoughts for what they are - just thoughts and not my reality. I'm sick of suffering from "What if...?" thinking, catastrophising and making things up bad.

 

Fvck depression, fvck anxiety and fvck anyone who gets in my way. Time to take control of my life rather than letting life control me.

 

All the best to you Izzy (and all my friends here), I hope the New Year brings you strength and resolve like never before. You sir are an inspiration 

[urban.spaceman]

Dry January is going well so far 

[sylofox]

I really hope this collapses. Our team don't need this shite. And to be honest I'm giving up. 

[sylofox]

Going to bed. Not sure I deserve nore. Night. 

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, sylofox said:

I really hope this collapses. Our team don't need this shite. And to be honest I'm giving up. 

 

1 hour ago, sylofox said:

Going to bed. Not sure I deserve nore. Night. 

Hang in there big man, you've been here before.

 

You also know that things always look brighter the next day and everything settles after a good nights kip.

 

Sleep well fella and let us know how you are in the morning 

[sylofox]

Really

[Izzy]

54 minutes ago, sylofox said:

Really

Yep. Really

[Suzie the Fox]

1 hour ago, sylofox said:

Really

Bit late to reply on this one and perhaps you have gone to bed, in which case if you able to sleep then thats not a bad thing at all. (Told someone else that today who was also feeling down.)

 

You know where i am if you need me Sylo.. i make a good listener and always have time for you. 

[gw_leics772]

 

4 hours ago, sylofox said:

I really hope this collapses. Our team don't need this shite. And to be honest I'm giving up. 

 

4 hours ago, sylofox said:

Going to bed. Not sure I deserve nore. Night. 

 

No idea what this is related to but if you dont sleep well, know that there are random people on here that youve never met, who care how you feel and want you to feel better 

 

Just checked your last few posts and note that you had a dig on one of the ultra negative threads in the nutter section, ie the leicester city football section.

 

On the one hand, i really hope that you have not let those bastards grind you down.

 

On the other hand i kind of hope it is that simple because the simple phrase, dont let those bastards grind you down, really holds true for that one.

 

I might have got it totally wrong, but if not, this might help.

 

**** em, ****ing self entitled amoebas. Dont even deserve your replies. Save yourself from it until you are in a better place. I steered clear whilst i was going through a bad time recently,  but now that i am in a good place i used it for my own enjoyment in windng them up.

 

Check my post history for the aftermath of the newport game. Started having a bit of fun, telling people how it's not that bad, then just gave up on them and left them to it.

 

Anyway,chin up fella. And dont do anything silly. The caring human beings in this thread tend to fear the worst, knowing how low one can get, as opposed to the knuckle dragging bell ends who just move on and spew their shit to anyone who will listen.

 

 

Edited 7 January 2019 by gw_leics772

[spacemunky]

Paris Saint-Germain goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon has said he suffered with depression early in his career and once missed a match for Juventus due to a panic attack.

 

Buffon has enjoyed an incredible career which has so far seen him win 23 major trophies -- including a World Cup -- and he is still fighting to win his first Champions League medal at the age of 40.

 

But, despite enjoying success from an early age, there have been difficult moments for the ex-Italy international -- in particular during his early period with Juve.

 

"For a few months, everything just stopped making sense," Buffon told Vanity Fair. "It seemed like no one cared about me, just the footballer I represented.

 

"It was like everyone was asking about Buffon and nobody about Gigi. It was a really difficult moment.

 

"I was 25, riding the wave of success but one day, before a Serie A match, I went to Ivano Bordon, the goalkeeper coach, and told him: 'Ivano, get [No. 2 goalkeeper Antonio] Chimenti to warm up and play. I'm not feeling up to it.

 

"I had suffered a panic attack and was in no state to play the match."

 

However, Buffon said it was important the situation reached this point as it allowed him to move forward.

 

"If I had not gone through this experience, that cloud and that turmoil with other people, I may have never have got out of it," he said. "I had the clarity of understanding that it was a watershed moment between giving up and confronting those insecurities we all have.

 

"I was never scared of showing them nor of crying -- something which happens to me and of which I am not at all embarrassed."

 

 

 

[gw_leics772]

 

 

 

 

Edited 11 January 2019 by gw_leics772
A link that works (hopefully)

[Suzie the Fox]

10 hours ago, gw_leics772 said:

https://m.facebook.com/1274539212/posts/10213367132914179/

 

Struggling to post it properly (embed) but i definitively recommend a watch.

 

 

 

The page you requested cannot be displayed at the moment. It may be temporarily unavailable, the link you clicked on may be broken or expired, or you may not have permission to view this page.

[gw_leics772]

15 minutes ago, Suzie the Fox said:

The page you requested cannot be displayed at the moment. It may be temporarily unavailable, the link you clicked on may be broken or expired, or you may not have permission to view this page.

Thanks, edited original post and it looks like it works.

 

Please confirm or advise accordingly.

[urban.spaceman]

Achieved a few “wins” this week.

 

Today I have finally took my phone in to replace the battery. It’s annoyed me for the last 7 months to the point that I barely use it any more, and just haven’t been well enough to even look for options. Waiting for it to be fixed as we speak, so fingers crossed. I’ll ask him if he can fix my knackered iPod too!

 

Finally emailed Mental Health Matters as recommended by my doctor. That’s at least 3 months of procrastinating over phoning them. We’ll see how that goes.

 

Bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones too - just a cheap pair, but hopefully it will get me listening to music more often and feeling like I’m living again. Whenever I’m down it feels like I just avoid music altogether - does anyone else do that?

 

Oh, and Monday, I submitted a script to the BBC Writers Room drama window! As did 3634 others, but I’ve seen greater odds than that overcome in my lifetime!

[Wymsey]

17 minutes ago, urban.spaceman said:

Achieved a few “wins” this week.

 

Today I have finally took my phone in to replace the battery. It’s annoyed me for the last 7 months to the point that I barely use it any more, and just haven’t been well enough to even look for options. Waiting for it to be fixed as we speak, so fingers crossed. I’ll ask him if he can fix my knackered iPod too!

 

Finally emailed Mental Health Matters as recommended by my doctor. That’s at least 3 months of procrastinating over phoning them. We’ll see how that goes.

 

Bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones too - just a cheap pair, but hopefully it will get me listening to music more often and feeling like I’m living again. Whenever I’m down it feels like I just avoid music altogether - does anyone else do that?

 

Oh, and Monday, I submitted a script to the BBC Writers Room drama window! As did 3634 others, but I’ve seen greater odds than that overcome in my lifetime!

I've known someone who used them and they couldn't recommend them enough when they had a tough, unfortunate life situation.

 

Am sure that they'll help with you with you requirements/needs, too.

You're making a very positive step towards combating something that is still unfortunately a stigma in today's society.

Edited 11 January 2019 by Wymeswold fox

[Buce]

 

I couldn't sleep last night and found myself reading back through this thread. Interestingly, although everyone's problems are unique to them, there was an underlying theme - a perceived failure to live up to other people's expectations (whether they be specific individuals, like parents, or more abstract, like society): "I dropped out of uni"; "I hate uni but my parents will be disappointed if I quit"; "I hate my job"; "I hate my career"; "My relationships always fail and don't think I'll ever be married and have kids". And so on.

 

Now, as many of you know, I'm no stranger to the Black Dog, and for some years my mental health issues were coming from exactly the same place as I've just highlighted. But that's a demon I beat (I still have one demon that occasionally troubles me, but that's not relevant to what I want to speak about here), and maybe if I talk about how, it may just help some of you.

 

I left school at sixteen to become an apprentice in the engineering sector; it wasn't something I wanted to do, but I came from a traditional working-class family and had no aspirations beyond that. No one in my family had ever been to uni, and that wasn't even considered as an option (though, ironically, my elder brother did as a mature student, after leaving school to find fame in a band, and went on to be a professor of philosophy at a major university); so, with no life plan, I allowed myself to be pushed into an apprenticeship by my parents ("there'll always be work in the engineering, lad - work your way up the ladder and you could even be a foreman one day").

 

Well, I hated it. Every fvcking minute. I hated the endless monotony of physical labour. I hated taking orders from people who could barely read and write. But most of all, I hated what I discovered - that the life that society expects of us is so pointlessly futile. Consider: I had scrimped and saved for a car that took up a good portion of my wages to run. A car that sat all day on the work's car park, and all night on my parents' driveway. A car I only needed to get me to and from work. I became depressed very quickly (though at that time, I didn't realise that that's what was happening to me). I tried to articulate it to my parents but they just reassured me that it gets better when you have more money. But that was bollox - demonstrably so. Because when I looked at the time-served workers, the futility was even more apparent. What benefit did the extra money bring them? I'll tell you: on top of the car scenario, they now had the same thing with a house. They came to work every day (and weekends too, if they could get the much-needed overtime) to pay for a house that they were hardly ever in because they were out at work paying for it. What little money that was left went on three things: pointless crap that they didn't need, to fill the house that they were seldom in; a two-week holiday in Skeggy (this was the mid-seventies, foreign package travel was just beginning to take off); and alcohol, to dull the pain of their pointless, miserable fvcking lives. I was pretty much ready to kill myself.

 

Then, one night, about nine months into my apprenticeship, and stuck inside with no money, I picked up a book (As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning). The author, Laurie Lee, had, at aged sixteen, left home to travel around Spain. The book detailed his adventures (he ended up caught up in the Spanish Civil War) and on a whim, I decided to do the same (travel around Spain, that is - the war was long since over, though General Franco still ruled with an iron fist). I quit my job the next day, bought some second-hand camping gear and an army surplus rucksack, sold my car and all my possessions and walked through France to Spain. I will save my stories for my autobiography, but I spent the next twenty-two years as a nomadic traveller. I still worked when necessary (I became very adept at living on very little but occasionally I would come back to England and either get a cheap bedsit or stay with my brother, work my butt off until I had enough money, then off I'd go again).

 

So this cured my depression, right? No, not at all. Because despite having the time of my life, despite visiting far-flung corners of the map (hell, some of the places weren't even on the fvcking map), despite doing stuff that most people will never even dream about, I was still weighed down with other peoples' expectations. I wanted my parents to see what I was doing in a positive light, to see me as a traveller, an explorer of my mind and my potential; but to them, I was a waster. A drifter. A deadbeat. Every time I came home, I felt their disapproval. Every time I quit my (what was always going to be, temporary) job to go off again, I sensed their disappointment. And I still felt the weight of the expectations that society had conditioned me with, fretted over my inability to 'settle down', fretted over not having a house, fretted over not having a long-term relationship.

 

No, it was a chance meeting with an old hippy in Nepal that finally allowed me to break free and like myself. Bombed out of my brains on the local hash one night, I opened up to him and told him what I'm telling you. And what he told me has stayed with me all my life: "We have a short life on this Earth, and none of us knows where we go after death, but the one thing we can be sure of is we won't be taking our money or possessions with us; we might, just might, get to keep our memories".

 

I guess what I'm telling you is, it's ok to be yourself. You have one short life, so live it for you, not somebody else; and don't carry the weight of other peoples' expectations.

 

 

Edited 11 January 2019 by Buce