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45 minutes ago, Paninistickers said:

Sounds real rough trot. 

 

Couple of very quick observations that might go against the grain. I think a temporary bit of bitterness and feeling sorry for yourself is allowed. Don't try and brave the new life overnight. You've a right to sink down and wallow a bit. 

 

Secondly, the novelty of her new life will soon settle down. She's prob been planning it for months, so doesn't have the shock to contend with. It's all a big adventure for her arm.

 

I reckon buckle up for a bit, concentrate on your dad and kids til Xmas and worry about the new life and house selling etc in the new year

 

Thanks mate, that's a good perspective on things. I'm allowed to feel pissed off I think. She's further along in this process than me and wants to sell the house ASAP. I'm digging my heels in a bit because although I know we have to sell it feels like the only thing I can do to stall her at the moment!

 

 

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34 minutes ago, Suzie the Fox said:

Really sorry to hear that my friend, breakups are horrible especially after a long period of time being together and when there are kids involved. All i can say is time really is the biggest healer. If you need anyone to chat with drop me a PM, i may talk a lot of shit but i am a great listener. 

Cheers Suzie, I might take you up on that. Probably good a lot of shit to get off my chest! 

 

 

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5 hours ago, stripeyfox said:

well it has been a turbulent few months for me so I thought I'd unload my thoughts here, maybe it will help a bit

 

Have spent most of this year trying to look after my dad who is failing health. He has had nine hospital admissions since New Year (although astonishingly has managed to avoid catching Covid!) mainly through falls at home etc. The frequency between falls was getting shorter and the most recent 999 call happened less than one hour after they brought him home. He has now been moved into a Care Home. He was having carers at home but being the stubborn old sod that he is would just tell them "no i'm fine" and then phone me when they'd gone saying "I can't get upstairs to bed, can you come round".

 

Now he's in the care home, though obviously we can't see him. Sporadic phone calls are the order of the day - sometimes he is fine and has a reasonable conversation, other times he can't answer the phone at all and other times he leaves messages on my voicemail saying "they've moved me to a militray hospital" or "all the staff have gone home" or "everyone in here is French"

 

Alongside all this I (like most of us) have been feeling very stressed and worried about coronavirus situation. I've been working at home since lockdown and trying to balance work with looking after the kids etc which hasn't been easy.

 

We had a nice family holiday in July and a weekend away with the missus which was great which is why it came as a massive shock when a couple of weeks later she told me "it's over - I don't want to be married anymore"

 

I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. Been together for 18 years and never ever thought this would happen. Some of the reasons given seem a bit unfair to me, but perhaps she is right that we weren't making each other happy - too busy lookig after the family maybe. I mean, when you're married with kds, especially at the moment, a lot of the time you're doiing "boring" stuff - like working, making kids packed lunches or cooking dinner, going shopping. But that's life right? When we do get away I thought everything was peachy!

 

I don't think I am getting the whole story and I have driven myself mad trying to check up on her (as she's been spending a lot of time away from the house recently). Maybe there is something going on, maybe it is all in my head - I just don't know.

 

We hit a big bump in the road a couple of years ago about money problems (and @Izzy was a tremendous help to me at the time) but I thought we'd worked through that problem. I can't afford to buy her out of the mortgage so it looks like we've got to sell the house, take what profit we can and go our seperate ways.

 

Have been waking in the night with what I assume is anxiety attacks (never experienced anything like it before). Drinking and eating too much. I need to get a grip. She seems to have effortlessly moved on into her "new" life. New hair, new clothes etc etc whilst I am sitting here wallowing a bit. 

 

I'm sure things will work out in the end. Plenty of people get divorced and come out of it ok. But I just can't quite believe it - it was so sudden (at least to me it seemed that way - she says she's beem feeling unhappy for a long time). Trying not to feel bitter but it is very hard!

 

 

Bloody hell, sounds like a real conspiring of events against you mate, my heart goes out to you.

 

My mum was essentially a carer for my grandma and my great aunt and my dad did a lot for his mum before she went into a fantastic little home too. I've seen the strain it puts on strong people in the best of times, so I feel for you.

 

I can't really offer much advice but honestly it sounds like you have a pretty reasonable handle on your emotions from your post.

 

Keep posting mate, and I wish you all the best.

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On 27/09/2020 at 12:54, Paninistickers said:

Sorry to hear it dude.. I actually looked up this thread to see how you were doing. 

 

Sorry this isn't too comforting, but this feeling is gonna likely to last for.months. I'm afraid there's no other cure than to strap in and occupy yourself for the rough ride ahead. 

 

Each to their own, but my 'coping mechanisms' were small and manageble; flat became tidy and clean...slowly updated my clothes...got fitter....took up hiking...got a nice tan

...became more into films ....did laptop work in my local with a coffee instead of at home and planned stuff- holidays, jobs, things to learn etc. 

 

Hang in there! 

 

 

 

Thanks for this. 

 

I have now officially moved back in with my mum. It's not ideal obviously but I feel like actually being back here has made things a little easier on me. I'm not surrounded by memories and thoughts of happier times. I may be sleeping on the sofa and have no space to call my own but it's something. I have to remember it's not forever either.

 

Monday was the last time I spoke to her too. Because of the house we've had to communicate throughout the last month so it's been bloody difficult to move on really. Hopefully now I can get that peace of mind and move on a bit. I do still have hopes that she regrets it all and changes her mind but I can't hold onto that. If it happens then it happens. Sometimes I wish she'd done something to make me angry and hate her but she didn't. She just did what she thought was right and fair. I have to respect that I guess.

 

I think I'm going to get into painting a bit now, always something I've wanted to do and I thought why not. Get those emotions out somehow, no matter how shit it turns out haha. No idea where to start but that's part of the fun I guess. 

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Thoroughly cheesed off with someone deciding to do a 'sorry but not sorry enough' job on my personality and writing style elsewhere on this forum. ironic that he chose to do it just before WMHD really - health isn't great right now and this hasn't helped mental health much.

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15 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

Thoroughly cheesed off with someone deciding to do a 'sorry but not sorry enough' job on my personality and writing style elsewhere on this forum. ironic that he chose to do it just before WMHD really - health isn't great right now and this hasn't helped mental health much.

There's too many personal comments in general for my liking on FT.  None of us are immune to criticism but we can choose how we feel about it.  So if I get horrible comments from my wife or children it hurts; however if I get negative comments from someone I have no respect for then it has much less effect.  In any event when one person insults another it's usually the insulter that looks bad to a neutral person rather than the insulted.

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12 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

Thoroughly cheesed off with someone deciding to do a 'sorry but not sorry enough' job on my personality and writing style elsewhere on this forum. ironic that he chose to do it just before WMHD really - health isn't great right now and this hasn't helped mental health much.

I think I know the poster you mean and the post in question. I can see why it might have pissed you off, although he did balance his dig with a complement on how intelligent you are. Maybe just try to laugh it off and not take things so serious mate - sticks and stones and all that..

 

I think it's easy to pigeon hole people on this forum. Once you've got a 'reputation' for having a certain type of posting style, it's difficult to change people opinion on you I reckon. I'm sure he had no idea about WMHD and probably doesn't even read this thread at a guess, so possibly didn't realise the impact his 'dig' would have on you.

 

I've said many times that if we all met each other IRL down the pub we'd probably all get on great and be nothing like our internet persona. 

 

I mean I'd love people to know that I am actually quite funny IRL and my jokes told in person are a lot funnier than they read on here :unsure:

 

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5 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I think I know the poster you mean and the post in question. I can see why it might have pissed you off, although he did balance his dig with a complement on how intelligent you are. Maybe just try to laugh it off and not take things so serious mate - sticks and stones and all that..

 

I think it's easy to pigeon hole people on this forum. Once you've got a 'reputation' for having a certain type of posting style, it's difficult to change people opinion on you I reckon. I'm sure he had no idea about WMHD and probably doesn't even read this thread at a guess, so possibly didn't realise the impact his 'dig' would have on you.

 

I've said many times that if we all met each other IRL down the pub we'd probably all get on great and be nothing like our internet persona. 

 

I mean I'd love people to know that I am actually quite funny IRL and my jokes told in person are a lot funnier than they read on here :unsure:

 

 

Not me.

 

I'm a twat in real life as well...

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19 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I think I know the poster you mean and the post in question. I can see why it might have pissed you off, although he did balance his dig with a complement on how intelligent you are. Maybe just try to laugh it off and not take things so serious mate - sticks and stones and all that..

 

I think it's easy to pigeon hole people on this forum. Once you've got a 'reputation' for having a certain type of posting style, it's difficult to change people opinion on you I reckon. I'm sure he had no idea about WMHD and probably doesn't even read this thread at a guess, so possibly didn't realise the impact his 'dig' would have on you.

 

I've said many times that if we all met each other IRL down the pub we'd probably all get on great and be nothing like our internet persona. 

 

I mean I'd love people to know that I am actually quite funny IRL and my jokes told in person are a lot funnier than they read on here :unsure:

 

I think I felt more insulted by the attempted 'balance' than anything else, along with the pre-emptive apology. It was akin to 'I know I'm out of order so I'm going to try and mitigate being totally unnecessary by trying to be 'nice' but really I'm just unloading because I need a target and I dare not unload on someone that might have fists' (metaphorically or otherwise).

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7 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

I think I felt more insulted by the attempted 'balance' than anything else, along with the pre-emptive apology. It was akin to 'I know I'm out of order so I'm going to try and mitigate being totally unnecessary by trying to be 'nice' but really I'm just unloading because I need a target and I dare not unload on someone that might have fists' (metaphorically or otherwise).

As @Crinklyfoxsaid above, I think that says more about him than it does you mate. I guess some people unload on their wife and kids or work colleagues whilst others choose to unload on here instead. 

I had a couple of posters make what I would call 'snarky' comments re. my posts a few months ago and must admit it played on my mind for a while. In all my time on here I've never used the 'ignore' feature but decided to put these two on ignore because they pissed me off.

Best thing I ever did - out of sight, out of mind.

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2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

As @Crinklyfoxsaid above, I think that says more about him than it does you mate. I guess some people unload on their wife and kids or work colleagues whilst others choose to unload on here instead. 

I had a couple of posters make what I would call 'snarky' comments re. my posts a few months ago and must admit it played on my mind for a while. In all my time on here I've never used the 'ignore' feature but decided to put these two on ignore because they pissed me off.

Best thing I ever did - out of sight, out of mind.

Yes, and my brain knows that. But you know how it is when we feel hurt, or an injustice.

 

Thing is, that particular guy isn't one I feel the need to ignore - he's normally fine. I use the feature though enough mind you.

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11 minutes ago, HighPeakFox said:

Yes, and my brain knows that. But you know how it is when we feel hurt, or an injustice.

 

Thing is, that particular guy isn't one I feel the need to ignore - he's normally fine. I use the feature though enough mind you.

Indeed. I've talked a few times on this thread about David Rock's SCARF model and our human need for:

 

Status

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness

 

My sense is you have a very high need for Fairness and this is an important principle of yours.

 

If someone does or says something that tramples on your value of fairness, it's going to trigger your amygdala!

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1 hour ago, HighPeakFox said:

Yes, and my brain knows that. But you know how it is when we feel hurt, or an injustice.

 

Thing is, that particular guy isn't one I feel the need to ignore - he's normally fine. I use the feature though enough mind you.

If it helps, remember that the people who know you personally know that what he said is far from the truth. At least I think so, and I'm sure many others would agree.

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11 hours ago, HighPeakFox said:

Thoroughly cheesed off with someone deciding to do a 'sorry but not sorry enough' job on my personality and writing style elsewhere on this forum. ironic that he chose to do it just before WMHD really - health isn't great right now and this hasn't helped mental health much.

I know the post and poster that you are referring to, as I saw it and your reply earlier today.

 

Easy for me to say as it wasn't aimed at me but my advice would be to ignore it and try not to take things too personally. Please don't get depressed by something said by someone who is totally insignificant to you.

 

I for one enjoy your posts and writing style (even if you are being pedantic) and I'm sure many others do too. So keep it up and please don't change too much.

 

I quite often have a sarcastic dig at some on here and maybe sometimes it's not appropriate, but I am not abusive and neither are you from what I've seen/read.

 

Chin up mate and keep posting your own thoughts in your own style.

 

Edited by Blue Fox 72
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2 minutes ago, Blue Fox 72 said:

I know the post and poster that you are referring to, as I saw it and your reply earlier today.

 

Easy for me to say as it wasn't aimed at me but my advice would be to ignore it and try not to take things too personally. Please don't get depressed by something said by someone who is totally insignificant to you.

 

I for one enjoy your posts and writing style (even if you are being pedantic) and I'm sure many others do too. So keep it up and please don't change to much.

 

I quite often have a sarcastic dig at some on here and maybe sometimes it's not appropriate, but I am not abusive and neither are you from what I've seen/read.

 

Chin up mate and keep posting your own thoughts in your own style.

Thank you - feeling pretty unwell isn't helping much either.

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It's been a tough couple of weeks for me, broke up with my gf of 4+ years the other week and work are doing their best to drive me crazy. Trying to keep myself busy to not dwell on things, had got to the end of last week and thought I was getting there, to be completely hit with it all again this week. 

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5 minutes ago, UniFox21 said:

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me, broke up with my gf of 4+ years the other week and work are doing their best to drive me crazy. Trying to keep myself busy to not dwell on things, had got to the end of last week and thought I was getting there, to be completely hit with it all again this week. 

Sorry to hear that :( things are pretty crazy at work aren't they. If you ever fancy meeting up for a drink on campus to escape from it all a bit let me know. 

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On 10/10/2020 at 16:20, HighPeakFox said:

Thoroughly cheesed off with someone deciding to do a 'sorry but not sorry enough' job on my personality and writing style elsewhere on this forum. ironic that he chose to do it just before WMHD really - health isn't great right now and this hasn't helped mental health much.

 

Hey HPF, do what i do and laff at em. The forum seems to contain its fair share of quite strange people and if you let them wind you up you’ll suffer.

I hope you’re ok bud and that this stops for you.

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I’m not sure how people are prone to mental health issues are coping at the minute because I feel like I’ve had enough.

 

Taken a huge financial hit, not being able to do much of the stuff I love and work being horrendously stressful at times has taken its tole. Been feeling better this week and then I’ve played football tonight and really didn’t enjoy it.

 

There being no end game is probably the worst part of all of this.

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46 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

I’m not sure how people are prone to mental health issues are coping at the minute because I feel like I’ve had enough.

 

Taken a huge financial hit, not being able to do much of the stuff I love and work being horrendously stressful at times has taken its tole. Been feeling better this week and then I’ve played football tonight and really didn’t enjoy it.

 

There being no end game is probably the worst part of all of this.

With difficulty - it's not easy for anyone right now, but the sensitive and vulnerable will be suffering. I empathise entirely.

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10 hours ago, UniFox21 said:

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me, broke up with my gf of 4+ years the other week and work are doing their best to drive me crazy. Trying to keep myself busy to not dwell on things, had got to the end of last week and thought I was getting there, to be completely hit with it all again this week. 

In all honesty you just have to embrace the sadness for a little while in this situation. Breakups are never easy, but they do always get easier over time. Remember how you feel now because in a few weeks you'll be able to look back knowing how much you've grown in this period.

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