Failures with the opposite sex.

[Webbo]

Not sure if this is worth a thread but I remembered today something that happened to me years ago.

 

Helen was my sister's friend, I'd known her since we were kids, played hide and seek etc and talked to her no problem. She was 2 or 3 years younger than me. By the time she was 15 or 16 she was like a film star, stunningly beautiful, so much so that I always got nervous around her. I'd be around 18-19 when I was looking for something in my dad's car and Helen started walking up the street. I was wearing my glasses and at the time I hated anyone seeing me in them. I panicked a bit, I can't let Helen see me in my specs, so I took them off and pretended to be cleaning them. "Hello Helen" I said as she was passing when just then in my nervousness I actually snapped my glasses in half right in front of her. Tbf to her she did try not to laugh until she was out of earshot.

 

It was so humiliating, needless to say I never had any success when it came to Helen.

[Stadt]

Yeah it was definitely the glasses 

[separator]

28 minutes ago, Webbo said:

just then in my nervousness I actually snapped my glasses

Never heard premature ejaculation described as that before

[Buce]

36 minutes ago, Webbo said:

Not sure if this is worth a thread but I remembered today something that happened to me years ago.

 

Helen was my sister's friend, I'd known her since we were kids, played hide and seek etc and talked to her no problem. She was 2 or 3 years younger than me. By the time she was 15 or 16 she was like a film star, stunningly beautiful, so much so that I always got nervous around her. I'd be around 18-19 when I was looking for something in my dad's car and Helen started walking up the street. I was wearing my glasses and at the time I hated anyone seeing me in them. I panicked a bit, I can't let Helen see me in my specs, so I took them off and pretended to be cleaning them. "Hello Helen" I said as she was passing when just then in my nervousness I actually snapped my glasses in half right in front of her. Tbf to her she did try not to laugh until she was out of earshot.

 

It was so humiliating, needless to say I never had any success when it came to Helen.

 

So, what became of Helen, Webbo?

 

 

[Webbo]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

So, what became of Helen, Webbo?

 

 

Got married and emigrated to Australia. My sister still talks to her on Facebook I think.

[yorkie1999]

G'day Cobbers, My name is Helen. When i was young, i remember this boy who was my best friends brother who we used to call Specky behind his back. Well there was this one time i was walking down the street and i saw him in his dads car watching me, told me he was cleaning his glasses, but it looked like he was buffing something else to me. 

[Webbo]

I can see I'm going to regret this

[bovril]

The face that snapped a thousand glasses. 

[davieG]

So you made a spectacle of yourself 

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

Was in a Co-op a few years ago and the girl serving at the checkout was so unbelievably gorgeous I actually gawped like a fvcking cartoon character. Must have been a good 3 or 4 seconds before I realised what I was doing and shut my mouth, trying to carry on as if that hadn't just happened.

 

She definitely noticed.

[MC Prussian]

Hindsight's 20/20?

[Buzzell]

1 hour ago, Webbo said:

Got married and emigrated to Australia. My sister still talks to her on Facebook I think.

The one that got away.

[Countryfox]

 

I was 19.  I loved Bernice.  She was gorgeous.  I had a Suzuki 125.  It broke down a lot. She dropped me for a young wealthy Arab lad who had a Porsche his dad bought him and took her to the Millionaire club in Manchester.  I hit him with a large spanner.  Not big, not clever ...    but I felt so much better.

[Jattdogg]

When your 16, never shagged before and your gf tells you to put it in and you cant find the vagina opening to jam it in. Embarassing. In my defense it was pitch black and her best friend was sleeping next to us  (awkward) and we had both had a few drinks (mutual consent in a drunken stupor was there).

 

Not the best time to ask me to stick it in when im a newb and already nervous about doing it for the first time. 

 

I eventually got it right and then used my failure as a springboard to bang many, many women until i settled for the dreaded one gina. Now i long for the days of not finding the vagina opening. 

 

 

 

 

[urban.spaceman]

I accidentally chatted a hottie up in Cape Town on a night out with my all female flatmates. Managed to clinch defeat from there.

[Realist Guy In The Room]

In 1999 I was living in Loughborough but worked just off Sunningdale Road.  One hot summers day I was driving down the A6 in the right hand lane when I pulled level to an Escort Cabriolet with the top down.  The woman driving it was (and to this day) the most beautiful woman i’ve ever laid my eyes on.  I couldn’t take my eyes off her especially when she looked at me, smiled and waved.

 

Right at the moment of her wave, I rammed into the back of a queue of traffic at 50mph.  Was in hospital for a couple of days with a fractured collar bone but as soon as I got home.........

 

Best wank ever.

[stripeyfox]

got married? does that count?

[stripeyfox]

Going back to a Cancun hotel room with a young American fitty. Was more of a "right place at the right time" thing really as my much better looking mate had pulled her mate and gone back to our hotel room, so she kindly allowed me to come up to her room. Things were proceeding nicely until the huge amount of Tequila i'd consumed decided it was better out than in and I vomited all over her bed and clothes. kind of ruined the moment a bit after that...

[The Donald]

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” 

[LcFc_Smiv]

When I was 18 I used to work in a village pub with a waitress who was drop dead gorgeous, the kind of girl you get nervous around especiallly when you had as little confidence as me. We finished work one Saturday night and with us both having our respective friends in town it made sense to share a taxi in. On the off chance both set of friends were in the same bar, and us playing catch up stood at the bar together having a few drinks. As the night progressed our group merged into one and my confidence grew and we spent the night dancing and chatting. At the end of the night we grabbed some food and jumped in a taxi home with some friends with her cuddled up to me on the back seat, result. Got back to the village, jumped out the cab, both living in opposite directions I grabbed my cheesey chips and headed for home to which was greeted with "aren't you coming back to mine?" to which I responded "nah I'm hungry". Whether I was too drunk, hungry or just not quite confident enough to see the job through I'll never be too sure, but my mates made work hell for me making sure everyone who frequently visited the pub was aware of my failings, including her dad who was the chef I worked with!

[David Guiza]

I once spent at least 30 minutes of a date speaking about sausage rolls for no apparent reason. In hindsight it was probably a contributing factor to going vegetarian. 

[RonnieTodger]

I'd been talking to this girl on and off for like a year, but never actually met since swapping numbers in town. A couple of years passed and she got fitter and fitter and promoted a couple of leagues above me. 

 

I'd been in Birmingham meeting some girl off Tinder and I had Slug & Lettuce in my Snapchat story and she replied asking if I was still out, thinking it was a Leicester one. Anyway we started talking in that chat and arranged to meet up, I was so buzzing I screenshotted our messages to show my mate that I'd got a date with Alice and forgot that Snapchat tells the other person you've screenshotted, even in the messages part. She was like "why did you screenshot that" and we never met up.

 

Also, I showed the same mate a girl I'd been with the night before on Facebook and didn't realise I'd shared her profile picture for 3 hours without ever adding her. Never met her again either. I'm like an old man with phones. 

Edited 12 January 2018 by RonnieTodger

[TiffToff88]

6 hours ago, Jattdogg said:

When your 16, never shagged before and your gf tells you to put it in and you cant find the vagina opening to jam it in. Embarassing. In my defense it was pitch black and her best friend was sleeping next to us  (awkward) and we had both had a few drinks (mutual consent in a drunken stupor was there).

 

Not the best time to ask me to stick it in when im a newb and already nervous about doing it for the first time. 

 

I eventually got it right and then used my failure as a springboard to bang many, many women until i settled for the dreaded one gina. Now i long for the days of not finding the vagina opening. 

 

I'm not sure why, but the phrase "Vagina Opening" really made me chuckle. I now have visions of it being like a door, and literally opening and closing. Perhaps that's why you couldn't find it. It saw you coming* and decided it was closed for business?

 

*Pun most certainly NOT intended.

Edited 12 January 2018 by TiffToff88

[Bellend Sebastian]

12 hours ago, Webbo said:

Got married and emigrated to Australia. My sister still talks to her on Facebook I think.

A girl I once convinced myself would be the love of my life ended up in New Zealand.

 

Has anyone's love target fled any further afield? Antarctica? The International Space Station?

[Alf Bentley]

One night in my early 20s, I got off with a nice Welsh girl in a London pub. I went home alone but she invited me round to her flat the next day.

I went round and we were getting on well. We were heavy petting on her bed and I was looking forward to things progressing, when her doorbell rang.

"Shit! That's unfortunate timing! Hope she gets rid of them quickly!", I thought. I could then vaguely hear her talking to a male for a couple of minutes.

She then came back to the bedroom and said "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave. It's my ex. He needs me. He's a drug addict".... 

Didn't quite know how to respond but opted to leave, walking past this rather pathetic, apologetic-looking bloke in the hall. 

 

On a more innocent note....

In early secondary school years, I developed an intense crush on a girl who got the school bus at the same stop as me.

I can see her now: shy but giggly, small but perfectly-formed, dark hair, deep soulful brown eyes. Where is she now, I wonder?

We got the same bus for about 3 years (age 12-14?) and I viewed it as a major triumph on the rare occasions that I was courageous enough to say more than "Hello" to her.

The stupid thing is we had been at the same primary school and, looking back, we'd got on really well. I remember having a good laugh with her (laughing with me, not at me!).

Unfortunately, teenage hormones and hang-ups got in the way of what might have been... 

 

Cue some theme music for that last story....