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kingfox

The Apprentice 2018

By kingfox, in General Chat

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urban.spaceman

urban.spaceman

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Posted

Looking forward to it this year. Though they could do with re-jigging the format

 

Every week it's basically the same:

 

> 1 min

Prokofiev's Dance Of The Knights plays as Mark Halliley gives us a spiel about our contestants as they do their best to look combative and professional interspersed with drone shots of London and pretentious soundbites.

 

1 min > 4 mins

"Last time, on The Apprentice"

- Sugar hands out his task at a completely irrelevant posh location.

- the two teams "Synergy" and "Nexus" sit in a tight office room arguing over who does what

- 4 sets of cars arrive to take them on jaunts around London

- neither of the sub-teams has a ****ing clue what they're doing

- arguments ensue over speaker-phone.

- group hug for one team, forlorn looks of dismay from the other

- winning team over-celebrates to the general disdain of Brady, Claude and Sugar, and the ludicrous prize is dished out

- losing team argue in the dimly lit cafe 

- losing team argue in the brightly lit boardroom

- PM brings in one person who's been shit for weeks (Clive) and one person who they just don't like

- PM gets fired.

 

4 mins > 8 mins

The exterior of a posh flat in London.

5.47am

Phone rings.

Tired Frumpy Woman in PJs answers the phone and is told to meet Lord Sugar in 7 minutes.

Posh woman runs around the house waking everyone up.

Working class Sugar wannabe appears in just a towel going "you what?"

Cars arrive.

 

8 mins > 15 mins

Alan Sugar looks impatient waiting in some shiny room at a posh building that gets him into an anecdote vaguely connected to the task.

Task is given out, as Sarah is told to go over to Nexus, and Frumpy Woman is moved to Synergy and told to be PM.

Sugar makes Working class Sugar wannabe PM of Nexus as this task is almost identical to his business plan idea.

The two teams sit in offices in the posh building as the new PMs delegate tasks to the wrong people.

Arguments about what they're actually trying to do.

 

15 mins > 40 mins

The Task.

"Natural born salesman" on either team struggle to actually sell anything

Frumpy woman gets into an argument with "fit mum-of-3" and "24-year-old airhead Sarah" over speakerphone; Frumpy woman refuses to listen to anything and the poor sound editing makes the situation seem frostier than it actually was.

Clive manages to drift through the task yet again without actually doing anything.

Working class Sugar wannabe is undermined every step of the way by Bespectacled Toff.

Nexus sub-team run around London frantically.

Claude gives everyone a general look of contempt.

Brady reminds Nexus that they've forgotten something crucial.

Both teams start panicking and running around trying to finish in time.

Fade to black.

 

40 mins > 55 mins

Everyone sits or stands in silence outside the boardroom before being called in by the secretary.

In the boardroom, everyone sits or stands in silence while Brady and Claude look at them like they're scum.

Sugar enters, sits and reviews the task as everyone has a laugh at the stupid thing Sarah did during the task.

Dramatic pause as Brady and Claude reveal who done what.

Nexus wins; Frumpy Woman looks satisfied with herself as "fit mum-of-3" is silently fuming that she can't get rid of her.

Ludicrous prize is dished out as Nexus celebrate in stately home grounds, with champagne.

Synergy argue in dimly lit cafe about what went wrong.

Working Class Sugar wannabe brings back Bespectacled Toff and Clive to the boardroom.

Claude deals some home truths to Bespectacled Toff for being a knobhead and Clive for doing **** all.

Sugar hesitates for dramatic effect.

Working Class Sugar wannabe is fired.

Clive and Bespectacled Toff breathe a sigh of relief and hug Working Class Sugar wannabe.

Rest of contestants sit in confined Big Brother style garden talking about who they hope was fired.

Everyone agrees that Clive is shit seconds before he walks through the door.

24 year old airhead is suspiciously pleased that Bespectacled Toff follows him.

Working Class Sugar Wannabe walks out to a taxi.

Taxi drives around the outskirts of London, Working Class Sugar Wannabe says Sugar definitely made the wrong decision and he's going to prove him wrong.

 

55 mins > 58 mins.

"Next time"

Prokofiev's Dance of the Knights starts again as we're treated to a glimpse of next week's episode.

- Sugar hands out his task at a completely irrelevant posh location.

- the two teams "Synergy" and "Nexus" sit in a tight office room arguing over who does what

- 4 sets of cars arrive to take them on jaunts around London

- neither of the sub-teams has a ****ing clue what they're doing

- arguments ensue over speaker-phone.

- group hug for one team, forlorn looks of dismay from the other

- winning team over-celebrates to the general disdain of Brady, Claude and Sugar, and the ludicrous prize is dished out

- losing team argue in the dimly lit cafe 

- losing team argue in the brightly lit boardroom

- Sugar calls someone a prat in the boardroom and points his finger in an indecipherable direction and says "You're fired".

 

Fade to black.

 

Clive is the eventual winner.

 

When does it start?

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urban.spaceman

urban.spaceman

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, StanSP said:

He's taking them abroad for the first task this time.

 

Next Wednesday.

Ah well in that case:

 

Frumpy woman struggles with the heat.

Sarah the 24 year old has never heard of the country she's in: "I always though Morrocco had all them casinos and supercars"

Fit mum-of-3 came here on her honeymoon and manages to sweet talk good deals out of the locals.

Bespectacled Toff came on his gap yah and tries to sweet talk the locals in their own language but they have no idea what he's on about.

Working Class Sugar Wannabe just raises his voice to communicate, manages to get away with it.

Brady is relieved for time away from the Dildo Brothers.

Clive is just really grateful for the opportunity.

Edited by urban.spaceman
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Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

What a bunch of vacuous tools this lot look like, the format went stale long ago and Sugar needs to stop being Uncle Alan cracking silly one liners all the time.

 

Of course I'll be watching though.

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SouthStandUpperTier

SouthStandUpperTier

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Tuna said:

What a bunch of vacuous tools this lot look like, the format went stale long ago and Sugar needs to stop being Uncle Alan cracking silly one liners all the time.

 

Of course I'll be watching though.

Watching Suge itching to crowbar in a joke written for him by someone else, and then delivering it with zero comic timing, is a guilty pleasure of mine.

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Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, SouthStandUpperTier said:

Watching Suge itching to crowbar in a joke written for him by someone else, and then delivering it with zero comic timing, is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Can just see it now:


The candidates have marketed a new brand of Weedkiller.

 

Cut to Al "Did you get to the root of the problem?"

 

lol

 

 

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SouthStandUpperTier

SouthStandUpperTier

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Langston said:

Do they still make the contestants get in a taxi in a winter coat and scarf despite the fact the show is very obviously filmed at the height of summer?

And do they still make out that the boardroom scenes are filmed in Canary Wharf, despite the fact they're probably filmed in a warehouse on an industrial estate in Enfield?

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SouthStandUpperTier

SouthStandUpperTier

Posted
Posted (edited)

Honestly couldn't get into last night's episode. This show has just become a parody of itself. The lads all look (and act) like they're about 15, and have just been to Gareth Southgate's tailor to get fitted out for their uncle's wedding. And as for the women. Geez, is there a worse sound on this planet than a gaggle of women all trying to talk over each other?

Edited by SouthStandUpperTier
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
49 minutes ago, SouthStandUpperTier said:

Honestly couldn't get into last night's episode. This show has just become a parody of itself. The lads all look (and act) like they're about 15, and have just been to Gareth Southgate's Taylor to get fitted out for their uncle's wedding. And as for the women. Geez, is there a worse sound on this planet than a gaggle of women all trying to talk over each other?

You're right, and that's why I gave up on it a few years ago.

 

The Apprentice was quite innovative when it first came out but it's well past it's sell by date now imo

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