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jonthefox

Your death row meal.

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2 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

 

 

 

 

 

There is definitely a theme in here...

I'm not sure this is the greatest strategy.

 

Scene: Execution chamber. Legal injection about to be administered.

 

(Phone rings, executioner answers it)

 

Executioner: Hello? Who is this? We're sort of busy here.

 

Voice on phone: Thank goodness. We're in time. The convicted's appeal for clemency has been accepted by the court, and the judge has decreed that he is to be pardoned.

 

Executioner: That's all well and good, but I think you should know that the convicted, after eating a frankly bizarre meal last night, has just explosively soiled themselves.

 

Voice on phone: (pause) He's done what?

 

Executioner: They've shat themselves on what I would call an unprecedented scale.

 

Voice on phone: (silence)

 

Executioner: You know this is a really small room, right?

 

Voice on phone: It is a small room, yes.

 

Executioner: Well it f***** reeks in here now. And some of it went on my chinos.

 

Voice on phone: Do you have any explanation as to why this has happened?

 

Executioner: To me, it's completely inexplicable, but IF I were a betting man, I'd think it was probably a poorly conceived plan hatched while being egged on by the users of an online fan forum for a provincial football team.

 

Voice on phone: This may change things. Give me a minute.

 

(Long pause, muffled voices on line "he's done what?" etc)

 

Voice on phone: Appeal rejected. Proceed with lethal injection.  In fact, give it to him in the balls, the dirty b******.

 

Executioner: To be fair that's what I normally do anyway

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

 

 

 

 

 

There is definitely a theme in here...

This was my first thought before I even opened the thread. 😂

 

Chicken phall, chilli fried rice, a bucket of chicken from Maryland and a pint of prune juice. 

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2 hours ago, Bellend Sebastian said:

I'm not sure this is the greatest strategy.

 

Scene: Execution chamber. Legal injection about to be administered.

 

(Phone rings, executioner answers it)

 

Executioner: Hello? Who is this? We're sort of busy here.

 

Voice on phone: Thank goodness. We're in time. The convicted's appeal for clemency has been accepted by the court, and the judge has decreed that he is to be pardoned.

 

Executioner: That's all well and good, but I think you should know that the convicted, after eating a frankly bizarre meal last night, has just explosively soiled themselves.

 

Voice on phone: (pause) He's done what?

 

Executioner: They've shat themselves on what I would call an unprecedented scale.

 

Voice on phone: (silence)

 

Executioner: You know this is a really small room, right?

 

Voice on phone: It is a small room, yes.

 

Executioner: Well it f***** reeks in here now. And some of it went on my chinos.

 

Voice on phone: Do you have any explanation as to why this has happened?

 

Executioner: To me, it's completely inexplicable, but IF I were a betting man, I'd think it was probably a poorly conceived plan hatched while being egged on by the users of an online fan forum for a provincial football team.

 

Voice on phone: This may change things. Give me a minute.

 

(Long pause, muffled voices on line "he's done what?" etc)

 

Voice on phone: Appeal rejected. Proceed with lethal injection.  In fact, give it to him in the balls, the dirty b******.

 

Executioner: To be fair that's what I normally do anyway

 

 

 

 

 

 

This has me in tears, great job

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17 hours ago, StanSP said:

Something that makes me have the absolute worst shits for a considerable amount of time just to make it terribly difficult and awkward for the executioners to get their job done.

 

 

 

17 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I was reading about death row meals a while back and a lot seem to have Doctor Pepper as their drink.

 

For mine, considering you apparently empty your bowels when you die, probably a Vindaloo or something else that'll cause as much carnage a possible.

 

No worries, Guys, when the time comes I'll put you in touch with the Mother-in-Law.

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I'd go for a repeat of a "meal" I had in a French village, I believe the format is fairly typical there, you turn up at around 6, they bring a basket of bread of all shapes and sizes, later a bowl of soup, there's wine, you stroll around the garden to try to ease your digestion then return for a main course, then after more wine the waiter says "Would you like a crepe" to which I reply "No I went earlier but I will need to in the morning" but he brings these savory cheese and ham filled rolled pancakes as a kind of pre dessert dessert, then a small sweet actual dessert dessert, more wine, then a f******g cheese board arrives with crackers, more wine, then some kind of cognac followed by coffees and cigars. You roll out at midnight with signed Polaroids of the staff with their arms round your shoulders and a promise to exchange christmas cards. If nothing else it would add six hours to your life and if the guards join in and have the wine and cognac they may forget why we're all there and not go through with it.

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