The joke thread

[Daggers]

Let's try again

Put your gags here...

I don't want to come over all politically correct - but if you could all exhibit some self-control that'd be welcome.

Please think twice about the topic...religion, politics and race could well cause a storm of complaints.

[Suffolk_fox]

A plane is on its way from Los Angeles to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section before sitting down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain to her that, because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her assigned seat. The blonde replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blond woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. Blushing slightly, she says, "oh I'm sorry." She gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he had said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot said, "I told her that first class isn't going to Houston".

[Suffolk_fox]

I had a bunch of Euros I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

There was an Asian guy in front of me who was trying to exchange Stirling for Yen and he was a little agitated... he asked the teller "why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat and twenty Yen fo Pound - today I get two hunat?"

The teller says, "fluctuations."

The Asian guy says "fluc you white guys too!"

[Suffolk_fox]

I got a text asking me to run in a marathon the other day. I thought "**** off!!". Then I read on and it said it was for blind and spastic kids, and I thought "Hey I might just be able to win that..."

I'm here all week....

[Lester LXXIV]

I got a text asking me to run in a marathon the other day. I thought "**** off!!". Then I read on and it said it was for blind and spastic kids, and I thought "Hey I might just be able to win that..."

I'm here all week....

And not a plane gag in sight....

Three men; one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

Edited 20 September 2006 by foxile74

[Lester LXXIV]

A little girl walks into a pet shop, and asks with the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby, or a soft and fuwwy black wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

Edited 20 September 2006 by foxile74

[Suffolk_fox]

And not a plane gag in sight....

I refer you to Post no 2 above.

At least I now know what happens to candidates who fail the RAF eyetest - they go next door to the Army Careers Office!

Be the Best.....

Edited 20 September 2006 by Suffolk_fox

[Wycombe Fox]

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.

How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ... " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"...you've built a Golf Course?"

[Lester LXXIV]

I refer you to Post no 2 above.

At least I now know what happens to candidates who fail the RAF eyetest - they go next door to the Army Careers Office!

Be the Best.....

.... I stand corrected, what would have confused the dumb blonde even more was if she had to fly backwards but luckily she wasn't flying crab air!

[Suffolk_fox]

:thumbsup:

[Lester LXXIV]

Oh and the updated version is:

Be depressed

[Lester LXXIV]

Reilly fell in the pub door covered in blood. "What on earth happed?" asked the barman,

"Murphy hit me with a shovel" replied Reilly

"That's definately not a fair fight, did you not have anything in your hands to defend yourself?" said the barman,

"Mrs. Murphy's tits" replied Reilly "But they're no good in a fight"

[Lester LXXIV]

I had a bunch of Euros I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

There was an Asian guy in front of me who was trying to exchange Stirling for Yen and he was a little agitated... he asked the teller "why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat and twenty Yen fo Pound - today I get two hunat?"

The teller says, "fluctuations."

The Asian guy says "fluc you white guys too!"

The binmen are doing the rounds and all the locals have left their wheely bins out at the kerb when they come to a house that hasn't put their bin out. The binman knocks on the door and it's answered by a young Japanese man."Where's your bin?" asked the binman."I bin to toilet." came the reply."No mate, where's your wheely bin?""Oh, OK, I wheely bin having a w#*k!"

[Suffolk_fox]

Recently lost in County Meath I popped into a pub and asked the barman for help.

'Excuse me, can you tell me the quickest way to Dublin?' I enquired

'Are you walking or droiving?' He replied

'I am driving'

'Yes, tat'd be t' quickest way'....

Edited 20 September 2006 by Suffolk_fox

[Lester LXXIV]

Recently lost in County Meath I popped into a pub and asked the barman for help.

'Excuse me, can you tell me the quickest way to Dublin?' I enquired

'Are you walking or droiving?' He replied

'I am driving'

'Yes, tat'd be t' quickest way'....

ya can't beat the irish jokes, even my irish mate laughs at irish jokes, gawd bless 'em!

[Lester LXXIV]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro - Quattro means four'.

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile', the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five passengers.'

'You can't pull that one on me' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishman replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry' responds Paddy, Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'

[Suffolk_fox]

, nice one!

Still lost in Ireland, I stopped at another pub.

"Can you tell me how to get to Dublin from here please?" I asked the barman

He pulled a face, thought for a while then said...

"Well if Oi were you, Oi wouldn't be startin' from here..."

[Lester LXXIV]

Then there was the Irish terrorist who blew up a bus: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

[Suffolk_fox]

A young Irishman sat at a bar in a pub in London drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. After greeting him, he hears the lilt and says "You be Irish?"

"Yes I am."

The first man yells barkeep "Give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well."

The second man asks "So where in the old country ye from?

"Dublin" responds the first.

"Dublin you say - so am I!" and the second man hollers "Barkeep, bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here."

Afterwards the first man asks "From where in Dublin? " and the second man responds with the street and the first man says "Well I'll be - so am I!" and yells to the barkeep for another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of them.

The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - "How is business?" The barkeep responds "Not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again....."

[Lester LXXIV]

Aer Ireland Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus to co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport they looked out the cockpit window.

"B'jeesus", said Paddy, "will ye look at how F**kin short dat runway is."

"You're not F**kin Kiddin, Paddy", replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

You're not F**kin Kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus

"roight, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" Said Paddy.

"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus

"And den ye put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat" Replied Shamus"and den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy

"Roight Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with a'your soul" said Paddy

"Oi'll be doing dat already", replied Shamus

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to the Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt just centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the Cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "dat has gotta be de shortest F**kin runway I have EVER seen in me whole Life."

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah, Paddy, but look how F**kin wide it is."

Edited 20 September 2006 by foxile74

[Suffolk_fox]

Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub.

After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home.

Just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversation. She looks at Mahony and says,

"So you went to Clancys pub after all did ya.?"

"Well yes dear,"said Mahoney, "but how did you know? "

"That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"

[Suffolk_fox]

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Patty O'Furniture!

[Alexikokopops]

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Patty O'Furniture!

That's fantastic.

Did you hear about the man who fell in the upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered

HA

[DanTheFoxBhoy]

An Englishman walks into an Irish bar. He walks up to the barman and says "I'll have two beers, one pint and one thimble."

The barman looks at the Englishman for a while before replying, "we don't serve drinks in thimbles."

But the Englishman insists. "I really must have the second drink in a thimble."

"Fine," says the barman. "I'll fetch you a thimble but only if you tell me what it's for."

The Englishman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny man, not more than six inches high, and sits him on the counter.

"My!" says the barman. "That be the finest little leprechaun if ever I saw one."

"That's not a leprechaun, it's an ordinary Englishman with all the bullshit squeezed out of him."

[davieG]

An Englishman walks into an Irish bar. He walks up to the barman and says "I'll have two beers, one pint and one thimble."

The barman looks at the Englishman for a while before replying, "we don't serve drinks in thimbles."

But the Englishman insists. "I really must have the second drink in a thimble."

"Fine," says the barman. "I'll fetch you a thimble but only if you tell me what it's for."

The Englishman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny man, not more than six inches high, and sits him on the counter.

"My!" says the barman. "That be the finest little leprechaun if ever I saw one."

"That's not a leprechaun, it's an ordinary Englishman with all the bullshit squeezed out of him."

Irish jokes are one thing but as an Englishman I'm deeply offended.