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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Buce

Buce

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10 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

 

Image result for please no more

 

7 minutes ago, Beliall said:

I was the same age as that kids when i last heard those jokes

 

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

 

He went around killing gingers. :D

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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Posted
11 hours ago, woznotwos said:
The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet!

 

He sure got a big surprise. He'd better go in disguise next time.

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Parafox

Parafox

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Posted (edited)
13 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

He sure got a big surprise. He'd better go in disguise next time.

He still might not stand a chance as every bear the ever there was, is gathered there for certain, because...

 

They're actually coalminer bears and that was the day they had their picks nicked.

Edited by Parafox
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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

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Posted
On 25/07/2017 at 13:35, separator said:

Went out for a walk earlier and got hit on the head by some Japanese car parts.

 

It was raining Datsun cogs.

There's a clue as to how old that joke is in there somewhere.

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Webbo

Webbo

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I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today because I was wearing a tight pair of budgie smugglers and the life guard noticed the rather large bulge in my trunks and said it might upset some of the other swimmers. 

I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't shit himself".

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

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A marine biologist devoted years of his life to the study of his favourite creature, the dolphin; so much so that eventually he achieved his life's ambition - to create a serum that could make dolphins live forvever!

 

The only difficulty in creating the serum though was one important ingrediant. He needed the blood of the rare Madagascan Mynah Bird, an animal now extinct in the wild and only living in a few zoos around the world. The Biologist was a determined man however, this was after all his life's ambition, so he did his research and found that a zoo less than 100 miles away had several of these Mynah Birds in an aviary. So one morning he gets in his car and drive to the zoo with a sack hidden in his coat.

 

However, moments after arriving at the zoo, a lion escaped from the lion enclosure. Although it was a very old lion who was more likely to fall asleep in the sun than maul someone to death, the authorities evacuated the zoo, to be on the safe side. But the biologist wasn't about to let this stop him. He had worked for years to achieve his dream and he wasn't about to let this small matter stop him. He hid for a while until there was no one around and then set off to the aviary section of the zoo.

 

In fact, the biologist decided, this was great! There was no one around and the few people left were off looking for a lion. He could walk straight into the aviary, get the Mynah bird and be gone before anyone noticed. What a stroke of luck! Then, there it was... the birdhouse. He sauntered in completely unnoticed. What was more, the aviary with the Mynahs in was right on the outside edge, easily accessible and it was only a few minutes works to get inside the cage. Catching the bird was slightly tricker, but eventually he had the bird stuffed away in his sack.

 

As he turned to leave however, he was given pause for thought as he noticed that the escaped lion had decided to lie down directly in front of the door into the aviary! Being old and also tired from being chased around by the keepers, it had decided to finally take a rest and get so kip. The biologist decided that it seemed to be pretty much fast asleep, so he edged slowly ever closer.

The lion just slowly breathed in and out, occasionally flicking it's tail, but looking quite content and peaceful and most certainly asleep. So summoning all his courage he crept within a few inches of the lion and then deftly hopped over. The lion didn't so much as twitch.

 

The armed police who had been called in and had the birdhouse surrounded were less than impressed. With shouts of, "Police! Hands in the air!" he was rushed and secured before being thrown into the back of a police van. All the time the lion just slept through it, until keepers came and prodded and cajoled him back to the lion enclosure.

 

Later than week, the biologist appeared in court, charged with attempting to transport a Mynah over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

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Nick

Nick

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

A marine biologist devoted years of his life to the study of his favourite creature, the dolphin; so much so that eventually he achieved his life's ambition - to create a serum that could make dolphins live forvever!

 

The only difficulty in creating the serum though was one important ingrediant. He needed the blood of the rare Madagascan Mynah Bird, an animal now extinct in the wild and only living in a few zoos around the world. The Biologist was a determined man however, this was after all his life's ambition, so he did his research and found that a zoo less than 100 miles away had several of these Mynah Birds in an aviary. So one morning he gets in his car and drive to the zoo with a sack hidden in his coat.

 

However, moments after arriving at the zoo, a lion escaped from the lion enclosure. Although it was a very old lion who was more likely to fall asleep in the sun than maul someone to death, the authorities evacuated the zoo, to be on the safe side. But the biologist wasn't about to let this stop him. He had worked for years to achieve his dream and he wasn't about to let this small matter stop him. He hid for a while until there was no one around and then set off to the aviary section of the zoo.

 

In fact, the biologist decided, this was great! There was no one around and the few people left were off looking for a lion. He could walk straight into the aviary, get the Mynah bird and be gone before anyone noticed. What a stroke of luck! Then, there it was... the birdhouse. He sauntered in completely unnoticed. What was more, the aviary with the Mynahs in was right on the outside edge, easily accessible and it was only a few minutes works to get inside the cage. Catching the bird was slightly tricker, but eventually he had the bird stuffed away in his sack.

 

As he turned to leave however, he was given pause for thought as he noticed that the escaped lion had decided to lie down directly in front of the door into the aviary! Being old and also tired from being chased around by the keepers, it had decided to finally take a rest and get so kip. The biologist decided that it seemed to be pretty much fast asleep, so he edged slowly ever closer.

The lion just slowly breathed in and out, occasionally flicking it's tail, but looking quite content and peaceful and most certainly asleep. So summoning all his courage he crept within a few inches of the lion and then deftly hopped over. The lion didn't so much as twitch.

 

The armed police who had been called in and had the birdhouse surrounded were less than impressed. With shouts of, "Police! Hands in the air!" he was rushed and secured before being thrown into the back of a police van. All the time the lion just slept through it, until keepers came and prodded and cajoled him back to the lion enclosure.

 

Later than week, the biologist appeared in court, charged with attempting to transport a Mynah over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

God damn that's weak. 

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Webbo

Webbo

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I was walking past Ladbrokes the other day and in the window it said "Open Sunday: 11-2".

 

I thought, I'll have a tenner on that, after all they've been open the last three weekends.

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Izzy

Izzy

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Posted (edited)

I've decided to get a gun for protection so I asked my mate if he knew where I could buy one.

 

He said "Yeah, I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex"

 

Apparently he's some kind of small arms dealer...

Edited by Izzy Muzzett
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