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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!"

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lookwhaticando

lookwhaticando

Posted
Posted

In today's Star:

Did you know they're now making viagra in powder form?

It'll do nothing for your sex life but put it in your tea and it'll stop your biscuit going soft! :whistle:

Anyone who currently buys tablet form Viagra could just crush it up into a powder themselves. :whistle:

Two birds, one stone. ;)

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gatesheadfox

gatesheadfox

Posted
Posted

just received this topical email.......isn't it great to pick on someone with less limbs than ourselves!

It's a very sad world

we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all

anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I

think it's prosthetic.

News reports have

confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather

Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the

split.

"He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing,

"I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running

around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all

the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a

relationship

like this"

After his break up

with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one

knee

again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known

whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul

McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has

been

signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over

the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause.

"She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg

over".

Another source has

suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't

handle it anymore" a friend said, "He would get home at night and

find her legless"

Many have

attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul

bought

her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas

but

that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in

Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his

mate "I've had it, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate

says "try Paul McCartney"

These jokes are

funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's

going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

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the_bowman

the_bowman

Posted
Posted

Three blonds were walking in a desert (just for the purpose of this joke) and they found a magic lamp.

They rubbed it and a genie popped out.

He said he would grant them all a wish.

The first blond wished 'I wish I was smarter than those two'

And became a brunette

The second blond wished 'I wish I was smarter than those two'

And became a redhead

The third blond wished 'I wish I was smarter than those two'

And became a man

I hope that that joke was horribly offensive t women, blonds, brunettes and redheads.

Thank you for your not so valuable time.

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leicesterboys

leicesterboys

Posted
Posted

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

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samingram_uk

samingram_uk

Posted
Posted

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

:sick: i know someone who that has happend too, felt soo ill for them

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lcfcire

lcfcire

Posted
Posted

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

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lcfcire

lcfcire

Posted
Posted

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

  • Haha 1
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lcfcire

lcfcire

Posted
Posted

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

  • Haha 1
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  • 2 weeks later...
coale39

coale39

Posted
Posted (edited)

How is this the funnest joke in the world?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Its alright but funniest?

http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/...iest/index.html

Edited by coale39
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lookwhaticando

lookwhaticando

Posted
Posted

How is this the funnest joke in the world?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Its alright but funniest?

http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/...iest/index.html

Obviously it's an American joke. And America = World as far as they know.

In baseball, America's top teams compete in the "World Series" or some crap. Doesn't matter that the 'World' isn't actually playing baseball with them... :whistle:

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