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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Durnerz

Durnerz

Posted
Posted
On 20/12/2017 at 17:19, Izzy Muzzett said:

A Mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate has just been discovered in Egypt..

 

Archaeologists believe it might be Pharaoh Rocher 

 

Its just been revealed that the same archaeologists have found the remains of an Arabic ruler covered in crisps....

 

 

They think it might be Sultan Vinegar.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Durnerz said:

 

Its just been revealed that the same archaeologists have found the remains of an Arabic ruler covered in crisps....

 

 

They think it might be Sultan Vinegar.

 

After exhumation, cause-of-death analysis suggests he was attacked due to his less than regal genital endowment.

 

Verdict: Assaulted, pea-nuts

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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11 minutes ago, Strokes said:

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
 Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.

 

Incorrect. You'd need a third Communist (preferably Stalin) to organise the dictatorship of the proletariat.

 

How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three - one to screw it in, a second to explain how the light will trickle down and benefit everybody, and a third to fix the wiring so that all the light is diverted into his private accommodation.

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Jon the Hat

Jon the Hat

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Posted
1 hour ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Incorrect. You'd need a third Communist (preferably Stalin) to organise the dictatorship of the proletariat.

 

How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three - one to screw it in, a second to explain how the light will trickle down and benefit everybody, and a third to fix the wiring so that all the light is diverted into his private accommodation.

This is the Joke thread.

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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Saw a guy walking down the street with a naked woman on his back.

 

 "Err...are you two okay?" I asked.

 

"I'm fine mate. Just off to a fancy dress as a tortoise."

 

"And her?"

 

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

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the fox

the fox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.

 

and a joke for our  physicists:

 

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Edited by the fox
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Izzy

Izzy

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A fella walks into a pub, goes over to the bar and orders a pint of Guinness. He necks it in one, puts the glass on the bar and orders another.

 

This goes on for 5 pints, at which point the landlord says "Crikey mate, you must be celebrating something?"

 

“Yeah, my first ever blowjob mate" says the man.  

 

"Congratulations!" says the landlord, "Let me buy you a whiskey!" to which the man replies:

 

"Naaa, if the Guinness doesn't take the taste away, nothing will".

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

A fella walks into a pub, goes over to the bar and orders a pint of Guinness. He necks it in one, puts the glass on the bar and orders another.

 

This goes on for 5 pints, at which point the landlord says "Crikey mate, you must be celebrating something?"

 

“Yeah, my first ever blowjob mate" says the man.  

 

"Congratulations!" says the landlord, "Let me buy you a whiskey!" to which the man replies:

 

"Naaa, if the Guinness doesn't take the taste away, nothing will".

 

Izzy is back! :yahoo:

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Izzy

Izzy

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5 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Izzy is back! :yahoo:

lol

 

Should probably quit now mate while I’m behind but...

 

...I was getting down and dirty with this bird last night and she started unzipping my jeans.

 

I said “Be careful love, the last girl gagged on it”

 

She said “hmmmmm, that big is it?”

 

I said “No not really, I just never wash it”.

 

 

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

lol

 

Should probably quit now mate while I’m behind but...

 

...I was getting down and dirty with this bird last night and she started unzipping my jeans.

 

I said “Be careful love, the last girl gagged on it”

 

She said “hmmmmm, that big is it?”

 

I said “No not really, I just never wash it”.

 

 

 

4 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I'm not sure he is, that one was funny! 

 

Remove all doubts from your mind, Facey.

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Tinman

Tinman

Posted
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The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M11 between Loughton and Harlow recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

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Merging Cultures

Merging Cultures

Posted
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45 minutes ago, Tinman said:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M11 between Loughton and Harlow recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

It didn't help that I read '200 dead cows' not crows.

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
16 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Well chuffed with myself. Got a new job at a chess set making factory.

 

I'm on knights this week.

 

I hope you don't get involved in any pawn production or get disciplined for bashing the bishop. Leave that to the rookies.

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