The joke thread

[desertfox2]

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined  the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying c@nt. He's never been out of the garden!"

[Mayofox]

My wife has sold our vacuum cleaner on eBay. Just as well - it was only gathering dust.

[Parafox]

This thread is becoming like Groundhog Day. 

[kingcarr21]

This thread is becoming like Groundhog Day

[Beliall]

[Tuna]

I use to wonder why golfers shouted ‘fore!’

 

Then it hit me.

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Tuna said:

I use to wonder why golfers shouted ‘fore!’

 

Then it hit me.

 

My golf game has been so bad recently that I need to get my ball retriever re-gripped 

 

[notnow john]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

My golf game has been so bad recently that I need to get my ball retriever re-gripped 

 

Brilliant, I'm having that!

[TiffToff88]

Copied and pasted from another site, but it's one of my favourite jokes, and since golf is the topic of the day in here...

 

Quote

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

 

Edited 22 February 2018 by TiffToff88

[LanguedocFox]

Alf suffers from really bad acid indigestion all the time. He is worried it might be something serious so goes to the doctor. They give him a diet sheet to fill in and refer him to a specialist clinic. So he goes along to the clinic, hands over the diet sheet, and is shown in to see a specialist. The latter puts him on the scales, takes his blood pressure, pokes his stomach, then tells him to drop his pants and bend over so he can examine his bumhole.

 

Alf complies and the doctor pokes around, finds nothing, but remarks on Alf's brown balls. "Never seen anything like that. Brown balls. Really unusual. Would  you mind if I asked some of my students to have a look at them?"

 

"Yes, I would mind, thank you," says Alf.

 

"Honestly it's really interesting. Brown balls. Would make a paper for the Journal of Stomach Medicine," says the doctor. "Maybe I can take a picture of them?"

 

"I said NO!!" yells Alf. "I didn't come here to talk about my brown balls. I want to know why I keep getting acid indigestion and stuff."

 

The doctor looks at his diet sheet and says, "You're eating too much fried food. That's all. Change your diet. Brown balls, though. Fascinating."

 

"FERK ORF about the brown balls," yells Alf, pulling up his pants and storming out.

 

He gets home where Mrs Alf says "how did it go, pet?" To which Alf replies, "It's all your fault. All this fried food. Every effin' meal, fry ups. Lazy cow! I want proper food - no more bloody fry-ups, OK?g"

 

Mrs Alf is gobsmacked: "You cheeky bastard," she yells. "I do everything around her, and you do fvck all. I clean the house, wash your clothes, do the ironing, do the shopping, up and down stairs all day - I don't even have time to wipe my ar$e!"

 

"YES, AND THAT'S ANOTHER FVCKIN' THING!"

 

[Strokes]

A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there.

Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there.

So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife." Put the twat on," he says, "I"m ****ing lost."

[Beliall]

1 hour ago, Strokes said:

A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there.

Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home, it"s there.

So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?" "Yes, why?" asks his wife." Put the twat on," he says, "I"m ****ing lost."

must be a ****ing tiny country

[Izzy]

I went to Boots the chemist today to buy some condoms.

 

The the lady serving me says "Do you want a bag?"

I said "No thanks love, she's not that ugly..."

[Strokes]

29 minutes ago, Beliall said:

must be a ****ing tiny country

Tough crowd.

[the fox]

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi!

[Webbo]

viagra shipment stolen ... cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals

[Izzy]

Just now, Webbo said:

viagra shipment stolen ... cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals

 

I took a viagra last night but it got stuck in my throat.

 

Woke up this morning with a really stiff neck 

[iamafox]

What's so funny about eggs?

 

They crack me up!

[Durnerz]

2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

I took a viagra last night but it got stuck in my throat.

 

Woke up this morning with a really stiff neck 

I took some the other night and on the packet it said 'will turn you into 007' well I wasn't quite Sean Connery but it did make me Roger Moore.

Edited 23 February 2018 by Durnerz

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, Durnerz said:

I took some for my bad eyesight, it didn't improve my vision but it made me look hard.

 

I went to the chemist to get some viagra a few weeks ago.

 

When I asked if I could get it over the counter, the assistant said "you could if you take three".

[Webbo]

An old man goes to the chemist and asks for a viagra tablet "and can you cut it into quarters please"

"I can" says the chemist "but it won't give you a proper erection if you do".

"I don't care about that, I just want it to stick out enough so I don't piss on my slippers".

[Beliall]

I'm trying to think of a viagra pun, but it's too hard

[fuchsntf]

27 minutes ago, Webbo said:

An old man goes to the chemist and asks for a viagra tablet "and can you cut it into quarters please"

"I can" says the chemist "but it won't give you a proper erection if you do".

"I don't care about that, I just want it to stick out enough so I don't piss on my slippers".

Thats what I Said to my wife,when she found my Tablets in our  cars Glove compartment....

[Aus Fox]

Designated driver last night, hanging at the bar and spilt my lemonade all over the floor. Then this bird came along and slipsover right in front of me.

She got up asked for my number and said I was the love of her life.

Yeah I Schwepped her right off her feet.

[Izzy]

I hired a hooker in Hong Kong last year and I said to her “let’s do something weird!”

 

We went to her room and I asked her to get naked and stand on her head in the corner.

 

After 10 minutes she said “l thought we were going to do something weird?”

 

I replied “l already have, I had a shit in your purse.”