The joke thread

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Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will.

 

I've no idea where Sod Hall is though. I'm just off to Google it now!

[Sharpe's Fox]

Why do communists only use tea bags?

 

Proper tea is theft.

[Tielemans63]

Why do Norwegian warships now have giant barcodes down the side?

 

So when they get back to the harbour they can just Scandinavian.

 

 

[AlloverthefloorYesNdidi]

19 hours ago, Buce said:

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the engine, so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. Eventually, he clears the dish and goes back to the gas station to see if the mechanic has found the problem. As he walks in, the mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Nah",  the penguin replies, "I've just been eating an ice cream."

This killed me. Top drawer

[Beliall]

[Parafox]

On ‎4‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 21:57, Sharpe's Fox said:

Why do communists only use tea bags?

 

Proper tea is theft.

 

17 hours ago, Paddy. said:

Why do Norwegian warships now have giant barcodes down the side?

 

So when they get back to the harbour they can just Scandinavian.

 

 

[Izzy]

Honestly, service stations are a fvckin rip off.

 

I stopped for a quick break at South Mimms today and chose a slice of cake and a pot of tea, then went to the till to pay.

 

"Sorry love" I said to the cashier "but I've only got a £50 note"

 

"That’s OK" she said "you'll just have to put the cake back then”

[Beliall]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Honestly, service stations are a fvckin rip off.

 

I stopped for a quick break at South Mimms today and chose a slice of cake and a pot of tea, then went to the till to pay.

 

"Sorry love" I said to the cashier "but I've only got a £50 note"

 

"That’s OK" she said "you'll just have to put the cake back then”

old but gold

 

[Buce]

19 minutes ago, Beliall said:

old but gold

 

 

Izzy or the joke?

[Beliall]

5 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Izzy or the joke?

the joke, izzy is old but ginge

[Tielemans63]

During a church service, the vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 

 

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

 

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.” The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

 

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

 

All the men sighed with relief. The vicar rose and asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

 

“I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife - the word is 'sternum'.”

[Tuna]

I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions;

 

What are the chances?

[ozleicester]

On 18/03/2018 at 07:33, foxfanazer said:

I suffer from diarrhoea,

my dad suffers from diarrhoea and so

does his dad. Runs in the family

Funny that... noses run in ours

[Durnerz]

Going through airport security I managed to convince my wife to stick my coke up her arse.

 

 

I had no idea that I could just buy another can afterwards.

[Vince Vega]

There were two cats - an English cat called One Two Three and a French cat called Un Deux Trois.  They were very competitive and both wanted to finally prove that they were the better cat.  They eventually agreed settle it by having a swimming race across the English Channel.  Which cat won?

 

 

One Two Three won - because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq!   

[Izzy]

I won the Euro Millions Lottery this week so I told the wife to get her suitcase ready and she said "Great! where are we going on holiday?"

 

I said "Nowhere, just pack your bags and fvck off"

[Beliall]

36 minutes ago, Vince Vega said:

There were two cats - an English cat called One Two Three and a French cat called Un Deux Trois.  They were very competitive and both wanted to finally prove that they were the better cat.  They eventually agreed settle it by having a swimming race across the English Channel.  Which cat won?

 

 

One Two Three won - because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq!   

one one was a race horse
one two was one too
one one won one race
and one two won one too

[Buce]

56 minutes ago, Vince Vega said:

There were two cats - an English cat called One Two Three and a French cat called Un Deux Trois.  They were very competitive and both wanted to finally prove that they were the better cat.  They eventually agreed settle it by having a swimming race across the English Channel.  Which cat won?

 

 

One Two Three won - because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq!   

 

46 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I won the Euro Millions Lottery this week so I told the wife to get her suitcase ready and she said "Great! where are we going on holiday?"

 

I said "Nowhere, just pack your bags and fvck off"

 

19 minutes ago, Beliall said:

one one was a race horse
one two was one too
one one won one race
and one two won one too

 

There are few things in life that make scraping the barrel look like an improvement, but amazingly you've all managed to do it in quick succession.

[Buce]

 

I met the Godfather of the Glasgow mafia today.

 

He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

[justfoxes]

Name three football clubs that contain swear words? A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Spurs !!

 

 

[Tuna]

I went to the bank. The cashier slipped me a note that said "There are 2 armed men here."

 

So I wrote back "That's great. I don't want a one-armed man counting my money."

[cambridgefox]

I went to the dry cleaners today to put some suit trousers in.

when I left ,the shop assistant said “ come again “

 

” no,it’s toothpaste this time”

[Red Squirrel]

On 4/4/2018 at 19:09, Beliall said:

old but gold

 

I was wandering round Slimbridge wildfowl trust at easter and my son reminded me of this one

 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers ! 

 

[Nick]

I just read this page and will never get the time back.

[cambridgefox]

I was blessed with a 9” penis.

 

Think the priest ended up in jail though.