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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
49 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco today complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up.

 

I think he was suffering from a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

Mods, Izzy has been hacked!

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Izzy

Izzy

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A Geordie goes to the doctors and the doctor says "What's up?"

 

The Geordie says "I've got knee problems".

 

So the doc says "Well why are you wasting my fvckin time then?"

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

A Geordie goes to the doctors and the doctor says "What's up?"

 

The Geordie says "I've got knee problems".

 

So the doc says "Well why are you wasting my fvckin time then?"

It's ok mods he's sorted it.

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Izzy

Izzy

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My my Dave started his new job as a Bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers he farted really loudly.

 

His boss immediately came over and whispered in his ear "Please don’t ever do that again Dave"

 

"Sorry" said Dave “It must be the nerves"

 

"Fair enough" his boss replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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26 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My my Dave started his new job as a Bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers he farted really loudly.

 

His boss immediately came over and whispered in his ear "Please don’t ever do that again Dave"

 

"Sorry" said Dave “It must be the nerves"

 

"Fair enough" his boss replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"

 

5ae0415b6f684_pleasestop.jpg.e43690787ee0a7bcc5764b1f6e5a5513.jpg

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was at London Zoo a few weeks ago and this woman was there talking about one of the animals.

 

"God! that's ugly and HASN'T it got short legs?” she said. “And when it opens it's mouth!! those teeth are horrible! And it makes a horrible FARTING noise, UGH!"  

 

I can safely say, I have never met anyone so Hippo critical in my life.

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StanSP

StanSP

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4 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was at London Zoo a few weeks ago and this woman was there talking about one of the animals.

 

"God! that's ugly and HASN'T it got short legs?” she said. “And when it opens it's mouth!! those teeth are horrible! And it makes a horrible FARTING noise, UGH!"  

 

I can safely say, I have never met anyone so Hippo critical in my life.

Image result for monkey computer gif

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
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I popped into the newsagents this morning and asked if they sold Oyster cards.

 

”Is it for the bus?” asked the man behind the counter.

 

“No, it’s my Oysters birthday” I replied

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Beliall

Beliall

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5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I popped into the newsagents this morning and asked if they sold Oyster cards.

 

”Is it for the bus?” asked the man behind the counter.

 

“No, it’s my Oysters birthday” I replied

NO IZZY NO!

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Buce

Buce

Posted
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46 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I popped into the newsagents this morning and asked if they sold Oyster cards.

 

”Is it for the bus?” asked the man behind the counter.

 

“No, it’s my Oysters birthday” I replied

 

5ae0cbb913cdc_killmenow.jpg.e696d1cb5c18a83d30078d5ccd000ca0.jpg

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davieG

davieG

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Posted
On 02/03/2018 at 08:25, Paddy. said:

Accordion to research. 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with references to random musical instruments.

 

5 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

Accordion to a new survey, inserting a musical instrument into a sentence goes largely unnoticed 

Research shows that posting jokes with Accordion in goes  largely unnoticed :P

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