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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

"Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?"


"Eggshell"


"Eggshell??"


"Yesh"


"Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?"

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent:

 

Agent: "Hi Sean, just reminding you about your engagement tomorrow."

 

Sean Connery: "What engagement? What time?"

 

Agent: "Tomorrow morning, tennish"

 

Sean Connery: "Tennish? But I don't play Tennish..."

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SouthStandUpperTier

SouthStandUpperTier

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

"Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?"


"Eggshell"


"Eggshell??"


"Yesh"


"Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?"

 

28 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent:

 

Agent: "Hi Sean, just reminding you about your engagement tomorrow."

 

Sean Connery: "What engagement? What time?"

 

Agent: "Tomorrow morning, tennish"

 

Sean Connery: "Tennish? But I don't play Tennish..."

Love a Sean Connery speech joke me.

 

images.jpeg.39b8996a1b6b3473b6b420f8352c615b.jpeg

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted (edited)

A baby penguin decides to have a bit of a swim, so he leaves the colony and heads to the water.

 

After his swim he goes back to the colony but realises he can't find his mum and dad.

 

He goes up to one of the penguins on the edge of the colony and says "I can't find my mum and dad. Can you help me find them please"

 

The penguin replies "Sure I can kid. What do they look like?"

Edited by Izzy Muzzett
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only fly around at night when we play 80's pop songs. 

 

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

My wife's a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches at Queens Club this week...

 

 

I've promised her I will stop.

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
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2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife's a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches at Queens Club this week...

 

 

I've promised her I will stop.

Queens is a mens only tournament Izzy.

 

Something you want to tell us? lol

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Beliall

Beliall

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 Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar. 

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" 

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" 

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." 

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." 

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" 

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." 

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" 

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." 

But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger. 

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice." 

Tiger asks, "What's your handi cap?" 

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." 

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." 

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" 

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" 

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted

My mrs is pissed off with me again

Last night while she was asleep, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper, leaving the string hanging out

That woman has no ****ing sense of humour AT ALL!

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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Donald Trump has a heart attack and drops down dead.

 

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

 

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 

Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

 

In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.

 

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said..........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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Suzie the Fox

Suzie the Fox

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Beliall said:

My mrs is pissed off with me again

Last night while she was asleep, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper, leaving the string hanging out

That woman has no ****ing sense of humour AT ALL!

I wish i hadnt laughed so hard at this joke. Its for sure one to remember lol

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted

 

From the sublime...

 

20 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I've been taking tablets for my Kleptomania.

 

I have about 100 iPad's so far.

 

...to the ridiculous.

 

16 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Going out for lunch with the members of the band ABBA is definitely on my bucket list.

 

And if I could, I would my friend, for Nando's

 

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 24/06/2018 at 18:20, woollett the bullet said:

childish I know but ,

 

Scottish cloakroom attendant

Angus McCoatup

 

Jeez can’t remember how long ago it was when I heard that one !! ...   but I think I was wearing short trousers ..   :)

 

But while we’re at it ...    

 

Two nice boys ...   Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

 

School show off ....    Ivor Biggun.

Edited by Countryfox
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