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The joke thread

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7 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I did the lol rep, but at the same time I also want to :doh:

Really should be a groan react dedicated to this thread.

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: 
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late, I've already started the paperwork."

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I've just been sacked from my job as a bingo caller.

 

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the correct way to say the number 69...

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Just had two police officers at my front door 
They asked me the following questions.
"Are you familiar with the letters HB"?
I said, "No I'm not"
"How about LS"?
"No"
"What about JD"?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
"No Sir, these are just initial enquiries...

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I managed to fight off the devil whilst hoovering the house today.

 

 

Talk about Dyson with death.

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2 hours ago, jonthefox said:

I managed to fight off the devil whilst hoovering the house today.

 

 

Talk about Dyson with death.

:nigel:

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Went to my local Vietnamese restaurant last night. There was a sign on the door saying no dogs. I guess they must have been waiting for a delivery.

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Just had some bad news about my Uncle Terry... he is convinced that he's a chocolate orange. 

We are thinking of having him sectioned.

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A man boards a train without a ticket.  Whilst sat enjoying his free journey he sees the ticket inspector waking through the carriage. 

He rushes into the nearest toilet to hide, however the inspector sees him and approaches the toilet door.

"Ticket please" says the inspector.

The man replies "Erm , I'm having a shit, I'll give it to you later "

The inspector says "I don't believe you , just slide it under the door now"

The man replies and gets down to the bottom of the door "Ok inspector, as he begins pushing it through " As you'll see , the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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This chap had developed a serious cough and was complaining about it to his wife. 

She said "You need to see that doctor who gave you the cough mixture last time"

"I know" he said, "I was told to take a spoonful 3 times a day in water. I have never taken so many baths in my life!!"

 

Anyway off he trots to the doctors and comes home with a box of senokots and some liquid paraffin.

His wife looked at him gone out and said "How will these cure your cough?"

"Well" He said, "If take this lot I won't dare to cough..

Edited by Smudge
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2 hours ago, Smudge said:

This chap had developed a serious cough and was complaining about it to his wife. 

She said "You need to see that doctor who gave you the cough mixture last time"

"I know" he said, "I was told to take a spoonful 3 times a day in water. I have never taken so many baths in my life!!"

 

Anyway off he trots to the doctors and comes home with a box of senokots and some liquid paraffin.

His wife looked at him gone out and said "How will these cure your cough?"

"Well" He said, "If take this lot I won't dare to cough..

:wes:

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On 12/04/2019 at 14:36, Smudge said:

This chap had developed a serious cough and was complaining about it to his wife. 

She said "You need to see that doctor who gave you the cough mixture last time"

"I know" he said, "I was told to take a spoonful 3 times a day in water. I have never taken so many baths in my life!!"

 

Anyway off he trots to the doctors and comes home with a box of senokots and some liquid paraffin.

His wife looked at him gone out and said "How will these cure your cough?"

"Well" He said, "If take this lot I won't dare to cough..

I don't get it

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18 hours ago, Grebfromgrebland said:

I don't get it

Thanks @Wymeswold fox for getting it but to anyone else who is confused, I apologise

Explaining jokes is something I have never had to do before maybe it's a generational thing?

There are two "jokes' I was trying to make but I accept unsucessfully.

He was taking his medicine in water means mixing with a glass of water not having to have a bath.

Using Senokots and liquid paraffin, a well known pair of laxatives, would pevent anyone from risking coughing and the possible accident.

Sorry!

Edited by Smudge
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The news re Notre Dame reminded me of this bad taste joke that was doing the rounds many moons ago.

 

Quasimodo and Esmeralda finally get into the sack together and enjoy a night of drunken passion. When Esmeralda wakes up the next morning she realises what she's just done and promptly throws up all over the bed. 

A little later while Esmeralda's in the shower trying to wash off the memories of the night Quasimodo wakes up and starts screaming. 

"Oh No! OH No! OH No!!"

Esmeralda dashes back in. "Quasi, Quasi! What's the matter? It's OK, I've just been a bit sick that's all!"

Quasi instantly calms down. 

"Thank **** for that, I thought my hump had burst!"

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Just tried to kill a cockroach with Lynx body spray!

 

 

Now his name is Brett and he won't stop talking about crossfit!

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44 minutes ago, MPH said:

Just tried to kill a cockroach with Lynx body spray!

 

 

Now his name is Brett and he won't stop talking about crossfit!

Ahem :wes:

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MISSING: black and white cat, very very intelligent.

 

Tiddles, if you're reading this, please come home...

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I've been told that my grammar is very poor, but I don't believe them.

 

Only last week she gave me £20

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2 hours ago, jonthefox said:

Ahem :wes:

 

 

is your name brett or do you like  crossfit or lynx?

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2 hours ago, MPH said:

 

 

is your name brett or do you like  crossfit or lynx?

He's a cockroach

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On 13/03/2019 at 14:19, Wortho said:

I’ve been recommended the Adam Ant diet.
Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever....

Adam Ant was complaining the other day about people who take the piiss out of him.

 

Oh come on Adam, you should know that ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

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I was watching the terrible events unfurl at Notre Dame the other day and I thought, "I really fancy some Cathedral City on toast."

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