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The joke thread

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1 hour ago, FerrisBueller said:

There are plans to make a new Die Hard film. Unfortunately due to Alan Rickman no longer being with us, this one will be Hans-free.

Image result for bueller gif

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I don’t want to say the school I teach in is in a tough area but when I asked my class, what units are used to measure speed? they said grams and kilos. 

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I once bought a wooden car. It had wooden seats, wooden wheel, wooden tyres and a wooden engine.

 

 

 

Problem is it wooden start.

 

 

737BF8C3-3D12-4F82-87CC-B7960967BF08.png

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Ahem...

 

... I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.

 

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the Wurst.

 

giphy.gif

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How many Germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

One, we are very efficient and not funny

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I've just started a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet.....

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My mate suggested that we change our names by deed poll, he said:

"I'll change mine to 'Pheasant', you change yours to 'Grouse'."

"Fine" I replied, "I'm game if you are."

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On 22/01/2020 at 21:57, Tinman said:

I was going to send you a joke about herbs and fish but this is neither the thyme nor the plaice

I was going to tell you a joke about Sean Connery's sister's baby daughter. It's a little niche.

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On 22/01/2020 at 21:57, Tinman said:

I was going to send you a joke about herbs and fish but this is neither the thyme nor the plaice

I was busy in my garden today and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. What are you doing?

 

I said I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...

 

She said.. Really Izzy, I don't know how you find the time!

 

Oh that's easy I said... Its right next to the sage

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19 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I was busy in my garden today and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. What are you doing?

 

I said I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...

 

She said.. Really Izzy, I don't know how you find the time!

 

Oh that's easy I said... Its right next to the sage

No tarragon in your herb garden :nono:

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7 minutes ago, Strokes said:

No tarragon in your herb garden :nono:

I really don’t know what you mint by this :nono:

 

Edited by Izzy

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3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I really don’t know what you mint by this :nono:

 

Alphabetical order should be Sage, Tarragon and Thyme.

you haven’t thought this through and I am very boring.

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14 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Alphabetical order should be Sage, Tarragon and Thyme.

you haven’t thought this through and I am very boring.

Genuinely funnier than the original joke lol

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 Lad gets home early from school and finds dad giving mum one across the kitchen table, he retreats quickly muttering about how disguting and to add insult hears them giggling about being caught.

The next night dad hears strange noises from the spare room and opens the door to see his son going like a jack hammer with grandma.

As he stands dumbfounded the lad turns round and sneers

"yeah... not so funny when it's YOUR mum is it".

 

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My teacher told me I’d be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia.
So far I’ve made three pots and a vase, so f@ck you Mrs. Jones.

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