The joke thread

[Facecloth 13,896]

I went to the DVD rental shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

 

The bloke said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

[shen 2,122]

31 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I went to the DVD rental shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

 

The bloke said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

Your avatar says it all!

[Blarmy 219]

2 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I went to the DVD rental shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

 

The bloke said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

So shit and childish it’s hilarious. Proper joke 🤣

[Bob Weasel Fox 4,082]

I've seen less of my dad since his amputation.

[Facecloth 13,896]

I went to the doctors and he said I had hypochondria.

 

I said "Oh no, not that as well!"

[Parafox 2,905]

On 02/10/2020 at 19:02, Milo said:

Just got back from my local Tesco.

 

I saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombrero's.

 

I though to myself....

 

Hispanic buying.  

You need to send that one to Tim Vine, or is that where you got it from? 

[Parafox 2,905]

5 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I went to the DVD rental shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

 

The bloke said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

 

3 hours ago, Blarmy said:

So shit and childish it’s hilarious. Proper joke 🤣

And you'll find it numerous time on this topic if you search back but really, I wouldn't bother.

[Facecloth 13,896]

34 minutes ago, Parafox said:

 

And you'll find it numerous time on this topic if you search back but really, I wouldn't bother.

Oh will you now 

[Parafox 2,905]

48 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

Oh will you now 

Fair enough but I'm damn sure I've heard it several times before her on FT. I mean it's corny enough, surely?

Just the sort of joke Izzy would post;

Edited 6 October 2020 by Parafox

[Facecloth 13,896]

1 hour ago, Parafox said:

Fair enough but I'm damn sure I've heard it several times before her on FT. I mean it's corny enough, surely?

Just the sort of joke Izzy would post;

I've stolen Izzy's joke book.

[Stoopid 1,306]

 

8 hours ago, Facecloth said:

I went to the DVD rental shop and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

 

The bloke said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

I went to the DVD rental shop and found out it had shut down about 18 months ago.

Bit of a wasted journey really...

[Webbo 17,435]

A friend of mine said he didn't know what cloning was.

 

I said "that makes two of us".

[UpTheLeagueFox 10,943]

Bit concerned about my mental state as I find myself singing Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor several times a day.

So I went to the doctor, guess what he told me, guess what he told me.

[Red Squirrel 409]

On 07/10/2020 at 00:53, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Bit concerned about my mental state as I find myself singing Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor several times a day.

So I went to the doctor, guess what he told me, guess what he told me.

I'm guessing the Doctor told you "I'm prescribing Taxol as nothing compares to Yew"

[ozleicester 7,487]

On 07/10/2020 at 04:08, Facecloth said:

I've stolen Izzy's joke book. pamphlet

[UpTheLeagueFox 10,943]

On 07/10/2020 at 00:53, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Bit concerned about my mental state as I find myself singing Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor several times a day.

So I went to the doctor, guess what he told me, guess what he told me.

 

1 hour ago, Red Squirrel said:

I'm guessing the Doctor told you "I'm prescribing Taxol as nothing compares to Yew"

Did the doctor ask how long this had been going on for?

Yes, it's been seven hours and fifteen days.

[boots60 1,246]

The Rugged Outdoor Woman

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7
miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the toilet behind some big trees and then ran away from one angry bull. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really crap golfer".

[Facecloth 13,896]

My mate just quit his job at the Sewage Treatment Plant.

 

He said it was boring of going through the motions.

Edited 8 October 2020 by Facecloth

[Wolfox 4,657]

I hope this virus is going to be like Jeremy Beadle and the second wave won't be as big.

[Bob Weasel Fox 4,082]

A bloke tried to sell me a gadget at the pub tonight, he said it turns on your hi-fi, receiver, lights, even the garage doors. I said I'm not remotely interested.

[cambridgefox 2,886]

I’m really regretting buying that flat above Lionel Ritchie.

[Facecloth 13,896]

I went to see the doctor and told him people keep talking to me like I'm a cricket ball.

 

He said "How's that?"

 

I said "Don't you ****ing start!"

[Izzy 24,019]

14 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

I went to see the doctor and told him people keep talking to me like I'm a cricket ball.

 

He said "How's that?"

 

I said "Don't you ****ing start!"

Whats hit more balls than Ben Stokes bat?

 

Elton Johns chin 

[Aus Fox 9,068]

My wife has just text me to say she’s been offered a job at a stationary shop.

 

I can’t see it going anywhere

[Horibbly Wrong 164]

I sadly had to quit my job at a cat shelter, they reduced meowers