Bellend Sebastian

I actually got excited by listening to us playing a friendly on the radio.

So did I, but I wasn't going to admit it

Highs:

Parents came round, helped clear some of the garden, did washing up, took me out to dinner

Lows:

Spent hour trying to remove contact lens that wasn't there

Reversed car into dry stone wall

Tormented by feelings that I've ruined my life

Just come back from 'The Dark Knight', which I really enjoyed.

I thought all that stuff about Heath Ledger being nominated for an Oscar posthumously was a bit bollocksy, but that was before I'd seen the film, and now that I have I must admit that his performance is very good indeed.

The audience applauded at the end, and it wasn't even that cheesy

I'm going to see The Dark Knight tonight. It's the first time I've been to the cinema in about 18 months. I don't like cinemas, I find they're often full of twats

Not too bad all in all, apart from the funeral I went to and the chronic pain in my back

What's even better is that it's mainly driven by money that people haven't actually got.

Why it's all started to fall apart I'll never know

"Doctor, would you please kiss me" says the patient.

"No, although you are a very beautiful woman, it's completely against my code of ethics" replies her doctor.

"Please, just one kiss", she pleads.

"Sorry", says the doctor, "but it's totally out of the question. In all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my cock"

I walked about 20 miles. I found it tiring

Is it too soon to ask if anyone else can?

If it would cheer her up, I'd encourage it. I think she's probably a bit too fragile at the moment.

Thanks, Katy

Ouch, not easy for either of you. Horrible situation to be in but I have to say I think you've done the right thing. Dragging it on longer if it honestly wasn't what you wanted only would have made it worse in the long run. Chin up.

Thank you, I think you're right.

At the moment I feel like I've done something dreadful...hopefully this will pass

Is she looking for a new boyfriend??????

Only kiddin, break ups can be hard, why did you break up by the way if you don't mind me asking????

Don't worry chap, I need a laugh

It was because after nearly two years my heart still wasn't really in it, and I needed to do something before she makes even more sacrifices for me than she has already.

She wasn't expecting it, which wasn't good

An absolute world of shit.

Split up with gf, every bit as messy and horrible as I expected it to be. Now overwhelmed by guilt.

And now I've told the internet

Why do recruitment consultants keep calling me up saying "we have a position, but you're not suitable for it, do you want us to send them this cv of yours we've found on the internet anyway?"

I think it MAY be something to do with the fact that most recruitment consultants are dreadful human beings

Goto audio control and mute/ unmute. Somtimes that works. Or Set a restore point. Then...

Uninstall all sound drivers (via device manager), and restart. Then I would go to Microsoft Update and check any hardware updates there.

Now that I haven't tried, cheers. The only other thing I haven't done is fiddle about with the drivers. At least if I don't get it sorted, I'll have another good excuse to buy a new motherboard.

My computer has mysteriously decided to stop emitting any sounds at all. The speaker system works fine, there are no device conflicts and Windows rashly and inaccurately claims that the sound device is working ok.

What the cocking hell is going on?

If I ever remember who Lisa is I may well be terrified

Which reminds me...

The bone idle cockwad who lives around the corner, who walks his dog in the road at about 4.45pm every evening so that it can crap in the verge, instead of walking on the footpath provided and clearing the mess up after his mongrel.

There's a blind bloke that takes his dog for a crap on New Walk, and he manages to pick the chod up and put it in the bin (with the help of his dog). If he can manage it, surely everyone else can.

Unless they've got no hands, of course

You know all those dolphins that died the other day?

Apparently it was suicide. They had no porpoise in life.

I went to see my doctor this week.

She said: "you're going to have to stop wanking"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I'm trying to examine you"

Most TV adverts.

They make no sense and/or are cringeworthy to watch, and in no way make me want to buy said product.

Yet I know some half wit had been paid a silly amount of money to create that garbage.

If you find an advert stupid and annoying, it will be because it's not aimed at you. Hard though it is to believe, someone out there probably thinks it's brilliant.

On reflection, it's not that hard to believe though is it, because so many of the population are complete idiots

When the powers that be tell the masses not to panic buy something, which they should really have noticed by now might as well be a direct instruction to panic buy as if your life depended on it.

When will they realise that it would probably make more sense to just keep quiet?

People that are so upset by all the immigrants that they threaten to emigrate, thereby presumably becoming an immigrant in wherever it is they end up.

People that talk about Princess Di as if they actually knew her.

People that believe the solution to sickening violence is...sickening violence

I would say a forest could be 'built', a tree no, a forest yes.

(the lengths I will go to to avoid revision even impress me sometimes)

Why, Sir or Madam, you are as big a pedant as I am. And that's some achievement

****ing environmentalists.

97% of them didn't even get a gc****ingse in Science let along common sense...and yet they follow the recyling mantra like a command from God. (NB. Religeous ****ers piss me off too - go read some ****ing Dawkins and take your bleeding glasses for the blind off). Recycling ****ing paper? Don't make me ****ing puke. Forests are built for the production of ****ing paper you ****ing morons. That's MORE ****ing trees thanks to our profligate use of paper.

You are Jeremy Clarkson in disguise and I claim my £5.

Forests are built indeed. You'll be telling us they 'make' apples next

My girlfriend's approach to driving is that you must always be either accelerating as hard as possible or breaking as hard as possible. All whilst being in the wrong gear and moaning about other motorists.

I've learnt not to say anything.

My girlfriend is one of the best drivers that I know. Fortunately she doesn't come on here so doesn't need to know I said that

People that drop litter, and generally people that don't do the right thing because they either cannot be arsed or feel empowered by being a twat