Bellend Sebastian

If all the other people are already GREAT MATES, that can make it hard to even be noticed, but if they make no effort to include 'outsiders' then, frankly, f*** those guys. The reality is you'll either get at least a couple of them that are quite friendly, and if they don't all know each other there's every chance there will be others in the group that feel much as you do, and will be really pleased if someone will talk to them. Just try to relax and look pleased to be there and up for it. Appearing 'open', by for example, smiling broadly when introduced to someone makes you more approachable and then people are more likely to come to you rather than you having to get in with them, so to speak. You can still be honest though. There's no shame in admitting you were nervous about not knowing everyone

I feel slightly, and I mean SLIGHTLY, sorry for Katie Hopkins and her debt plight. I know she acts like a massive twat, but I think there's something a bit wrong with her and she's been encouraged by other cretins further and further down a road of idiocy that now seems to be reaching a dead end

I just find stuff like this weird. Even if you did it because you personally thought it was OK, surely you'd be aware that rather than it furthering your objectives, it's just going to create an outcry, folk will think you're a knob and any message you were trying to communicate is lost in the ether

Bit surprised that one of those kids didn't pull out a flintlock pistol and shoot him in the eye

Julian Cope explains all:

I did that last year. I'm glad I did, but must admit that I've used Spotify much, much than I expected to - I really just signed up to let the kids listen to the pop nonsense I wasn't going to buy for them (and now of course really enjoy). Sound quality through my set up is very good although there's no denying that FLACS sound better. If I really like something I'll still buy it on CD if it's available. Spotify for me comes into its own on car journeys (assuming your car audio has Bluetooth streaming). I can put a big playlist on shuffle play and that's me sorted even for a long trip, or let the kids DJ (usually a strange mix of The Greatest Showman soundtrack, Ariana Grande and 'They were on hard drugs' by Julian Cope), and most popular podcasts are on there too

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If they can recreate Peter Cushing digitally for Rogue One a CGI Gordon Kaye for a new series of Allo Allo is surely an inevitability

Did my second day at Legoland Windsor. After slagging it off to high heaven yesterday, I actually had a good time, mainly because my lad thought it was brilliant, and I remembered that the trip was for his benefit more than mine. You've just got to get your head round the fact you've got to queue for bloody ages for any rides, and if you want to buy any food you'll think the concessions at the King Power suddenly look like good value. I must say, I feel sorry for anyone that works there. It must be mental to be there every day

Maybe all theme parks are like this now (I've not been to Alton Towers since 1989 or something) but there's just not enough stuff there to entertain the huge numbers of people they let in. You spend hours queuing for rides that are not only tame (fair enough given the target audience) but incredibly short. We've got a two day ticket so I'm back there tomorrow. Psyching myself up for it. Yes, Parafox, there is still a model village, which I did actually quite enjoy

At Legoland Windsor. It really is shit, isn't it?

I've never been a massive drinker; a health issue in my late teens meant that I hardly drank at all at a time (this was the mid 90s) when everybody else was getting slaughtered constantly. This was pretty disastrous socially, but longer term has been beneficial - seeing at close hand through sober eyes people around you having big problems with alcohol (which is probably easier to ignore when you're on the sauce in a big way too) has helped me to stop getting into that position where drinking unhealthy amounts of booze becomes the norm. I love to have a drink, but the enforced restriction on how much I could have meant I can get a nice buzz off just a couple of pints; drinking four or more becomes quite an effort really

The 'he's only playing' dogs not on a lead in public. One scratched my leg today and drew blood - my lad was terrified when it ran at him, but fortunately it didn't hurt him, so no need to smash its spine against the goalposts

I, Tonya. Margot Robbie was great (this was the first thing I've actually seen her in), in fact all the performances are. The format works really well but seems a bit drawn out at 2 hours given her story (which we know) is pretty straightforward

A pair of cheapo walking shoes from Sports Direct. I am scum