Keep yaself ammussed

[Jonesy_rules]

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

37) You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

38) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

39) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

40) Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

41) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

42) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

43) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

44) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

45) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

46) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

47) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

48) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

49) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

50) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

51) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

52) 'Rich tea are shit for dipping, they should call them 'one dips'....hobnobs are the SAS of the ******* world....'DIP ME AGAIN! AGAIN! I'm going nowhere...they drink your brew though'

[Guest Daniel]

Good post, cheered me up at college.

[Nathan_Ellington_WAFC]

does no-one in college like you as well as on here?

[Muz]

does no-one in college like you as well as on here?

47212[/snapback]

There's more people on here that like him more than you Retard

Why do you always have to start aguements

[Brighton Fox]

Are they Pete Kay quotes? Nice one. Like it. :laugh:

[Scow]

I think this has been posted before, but it's all good.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

I like those two.

[davieG]

I think this has been posted before, but it's all good. 

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

I like those two.

47260[/snapback]

Have you got something against women then

[Jonesy_rules]

Wigan Boy, i'm sure dan is more popualr both on here and at college then you'll ever be!

Yea they are peter kay quotes, the best comedian around!