Favourite TV Comedy Quotes

[Fez of Mahrez]

I need an hour of laughs.

Go!

[mark1983]

I need an hour of laughs.

Go!

After Del Boy gives rodney his black book rodney says

'well is that it 24 dodgy computers a rug with a sell by date and the script to 101 dalmations thanks alot'

[samingram_uk]

APU: For the next five minutes, I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!

[Fez of Mahrez]

Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?

Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

[they laugh]

Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.

[Tom and Diane stare in horror]

[Scow]

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

[potter3]

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxf3X0wTGKM

[samingram_uk]

Dman It Meg!!!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5uD-4V3itr8

[Tommeh]

Only fools and Horses

Denzil: That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatle's manager has got to do with it anyway.

[Tommeh]

Del & Rodney reflect after just after recieving 6.2 million pounds for the Harrison Watch.

Del: How much exactly did it go for?

Rodney: Six point two million. Just over three million each.

Del: Well we've had worse days ain't we?

TV Brilliance

[Leonisco]

Homer Simpson (imitating Mr Burns): Hello. My name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Post Office Clerk: OK then Mr Burns. Errr, what's your first name?

[Pause]

Homer: I don't know.

[Leonisco]

Kent Brockman: Abe Simpson, is it possible that your son, Homer, could be a communist?

Grampa Simpson: Look, my son is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is NOT a porn star.

[Scow]

Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear

(Peter is in court)

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?

Peter: I do........You bastard

Lois: Peter, theres a hooker on the bed!

Hooker: Hi.

Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement.

(Pause)

Hooker: Where'd you go?

Mayor Adam West: I just bought a Rottweiler, and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.

Home Supply clerk (pointing to "BEWARE OF DOG" sign): Well, we have exactly what you--

Mayor Adam West: Ah, yes, here it is: "ONE WAY." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out--in a body bag from dog injuries.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're fine.

Peter: Oh now you're coming on to me?

Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you, he's telling you you're healthy!

Doctor: Can't it be both?

[Head Honcho]

Whitehouse

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=x22x88w8dss&NR=1

[Leonisco]

Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe. Eh, Fall Out Boy?

Ralph Wiggum: What's for lunch tomorrow?

Director: Next!

Ralph Wiggum: Chicken necks?

[Fez of Mahrez]

Skinner: "Good gravy!"

Chef: "Well thank you, it's just brown and water"

[Head Honcho]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=19wlqEkjov8

[Uncle Monty]

Its not TV it's a film. Withnail and I . fookin classic, withnail and i wake up after a night of drinking.

I - you ok withnail?

Withnail - i feel like somebody shat on my head

[Leonisco]

Lionel Hutz: "Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Schneider."

Marge Simpson: "Is that bad?"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog."

Marge Simpson: "You did?"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, yeah if you replace the word 'kinda' with 'repeatedly', and the word 'dog' with 'son'."