fox123 Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 I wrote these for a bit of fun a while ago (some people may appreciate it). I forgot about that and come across then recently on one of my flash drives. Thought I would post them here, see if anyone can relate or know of anyone of similar characteristics. CATWEAZEL Stick thin bloke with massive amounts of pent up energy...he would journey from the high rise buildings, speed walking at an Olympic pace, with a bookies' pen clutched in each fist. Named Catweazel because of his straggly long hair and beard and uncanny resemblance to the TV character. Always marked the display copy of the Racing Post and found a compelling reason why the last winner was indeed a CERTAINTY even though it started at 66/1 and was trained by a lady who hadn't had a winner for two years. Backed in every race with a daily budget of £2. Mysteriously disappeared from the bookies only to reappear 6 months later, carrying an extra five stones in weight. THE BIRD MAN Walks in bookies with best picks sorted in mind , talks to locals , and reads Racing Post , changes all his picks , does his dough and three of his original picks romp home , says to all who will listen i don't believe my luck today , does ex the same next time in.. The Muppet The boy/girl who prances like a flamingo around the counter all day, dressed in a red and white outfit, although new strains are seen in blue/white...green/white combinations. . often seen constantly jabbering into a mobile phone, whilst avoiding the attention of all the other members of that days community,. they very rarely enter into conversation with the others, often giving the impression that they are 'better'. paid to manage the establishment, these days any talent has long been lost through in-breeding and the only words heard are 'i'll have to phone that over'. universally despised. The Forecaster A man who only bets on forcasts and tricasts, usually staking about 50p a race. No matter what wins he will wave his betting slip at anyone within 2 metres range saying` look at that nearly had the forecast up`. If on the extremely rare occasion he wins , he will tell everybody about it for about 2 weeks. LOTTO LADY Apart from the female members of staff, this is one of the only women to enter the shop. Usually seen on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Whilst a lot of people look like their pets, the Whiskers and over powering smell of ammonia is ridiculous. Always leaves here shopping trolley just inside the door, much to the annoyance of Fatweazle as its in the way of 'His' Chair. Smellie Nellie Sat on her throne, in the corner. Unmistakable stench of urine pulsating thru the day. Unfortunate bullied husband doing all her running during the afternoon. Bet 3 or 4 per race, always ew(w@nkers) comb forecast and tricast if possible to 2 1/2p. Perm placepots to a 1p. Nightmare ew multis 3 heinzs on 1 slip. After about 1 year realised she was as honest as the day was long. Didn't bother to settle her bets just asked her how much was the return. Disappeared all of a sudden. Never seen again. Husband prob did a Freddy West. Nobody sat on her chair, not out of respect, still stunk of piss. Favourite Backers Loads of them. Found in every shop I've ever spent time in. No need to ask them what they fancy in a race, it's always the favourite. Swear profusely whenever a favourite gets beat but it won't stop them backing the next one. One story involving one of these characters, who was also an annoying drunk. He announces that a horse called Ballerina, the 15/8 Fav, will win the next race at Kempton. He puts his money on and then spends the next 10 minutes annoying everyone in the shop and then the race starts. Ballerina is out the back but makes up the ground and wins with our man roaring him home. Next few minutes spent saying " I told you, you lot wouldn't listen to me" etc and then he goes to collect his winnings. "Nothing to come on this, mate" says the settler. Transpires he wrote the bet out as Kempton 3.00 £xx win FAV. In the 10 minutes was busy annoying the other punters, he did not notice Ballerina had drifted from 15/8 Fav to 6/1! How we laughed and never saw him again after that. I have some more I'll post later on.
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 The Old fella - Tells stories of his greatest wins from years ago and why he backed it. The know it all - Will try to tell you how a race will be run. The twat - The guy who is putting his $1 doubles on country dogs that don't start for another 6 hours hogging the machine right before the main race of the day is about to jump, hence making people miss the jump.
DB11 Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 Quite good, although I've never been to a betting shop
Guest Bilo Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 We had a guy nicknamed 'One Word Willie' So called because he would never, ever communicate with anybody using more than one word. Price! 7/4 OK? Yeah. Crisps! What flavour? Plain! How are you this morning? Fine! Seriously, I never heard this guy use more than one word in a conversation. EVER.
fox123 Posted 24 December 2008 Author Posted 24 December 2008 THE DISGRACE About 50 years old, he has been drinking Tennants Super since 9.30. In an attempt to use the toilet he has removed his trouser completely but cant get them back on so they are now just tied around his waist. Blood trickles from a small wound on his forehead. He approaches every punter that comes in with a lurching gait but does not say anything, either because he has forgotten what to say or, possibly, how to speak altogether. Doesn't appear to place any bets at all. GEORGE THE GREEK. Came over from Cyprus in the 60's to escape National Service and set up his own cafe.About 60 years of age,22 stone,combover,but still thinks he is God's gift to women.Bets in every race during the day,invariably waving his hands and muttering obscenities when his dog gets knocked over/horse gets short-headed.Looks so weary and tired and never seems to have any luck.Has won and lost about six cafes/restaurants in his time and will never stop gambling until he pops his clogs.At night he can be seen in the Casino with his bit on a side(a six stone aircraft blonde sparrer from Battersea),whilst his loyal wife spends her time running the cafe.Always wears the same clothes and drives a clapped out old Merc.Does not want to be a winner THE RACE COMMENTATOR Very scruffily dressed, doesn't look as if he's met soap this month. Chews nervously on his slip, waiting for his big moment. As they come into the last two furlongs, his time comes. He's front and centre, calling them home in a loud and clear voice. You can't hear the real commentary, only his. He sounds very professional, maybe he once did this for a living. The problem is, he gets all the names mixed up and always calls the wrong winner. This causes confusion and disappointment among the punters, none of whom can tell the winner without hearing the commentary. THE HOGGER Usually smartly dressed mid 30's office worker on his lunch break. Walks to where the Racing Post is on display. Starts to read it and takes a sandwich out of his carrier bag. Takes an age to eat his sarnie. People queue up behind him hoping to glance at the Sports Section but he is oblivious to this. Annoyingly he is reading the "form" which is on display throughout the shop. But he likes to hog the Post, he does it at the same time every day. Oh good, he's finished his sandwich, maybe he'll go now. But no. He reaches in his carrier bag and takes out his custard slice. Not so much a "character", more a pain in the bum. The A Level Maths Student. Queries every payout slip ...Wants them rechecked ....sometimes has 6 slips at a time being handed back for checking .. ...when told ..." Sorry they definetly come to a £3-95p payout in total ".....says "Oh well ...best to get it right ".......
fox123 Posted 24 December 2008 Author Posted 24 December 2008 Last few. PUFFING BILLY. about 60 years old looks 102, chain smokes ready mades and has the skin of a rhino, you know the one when the back of their neck is covered in criss cross lines, looks like a patch work quilt, absolutely stink of nicotine and coughs for england, eyes are sometimes streaming from so much coughing. MR SQUINTS Been betting in the shop for a few years, has no problems reading the papers or watching the telly, but when he comes to the counter to draw or place a bet, he narrows his eyes to slits as though there's bright sun in his face. THE DANCER When he placed a bet, he couldn't leave the shop until the race was over. Said he "liked to keep an eye on things". He wouldn't even go to the lavatory, which was a problem for him in cold weather. As the hydraulic pressure in his system increased, he would start shuffling from foot to foot, muttering "Hurry up! Hurry up!". Hands deep in the pockets of his old coat, he'd be dancing around in front of the tables making more noise than the rest of the punters during the National: "Hurry up! Oh, for fk sake, hurry up!" MR THANKING YOU Nice guy really appreciative of service received. says thank you about 6 times minimum for each bet placed. BIG COL Greasy haired Taxi Driver, last shower was at birth. Analyses every dog race with mate Unerringly accurate about 10% of the time. Will bet on 2 flies!
Guest Bilo Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 MR THANKING YOUNice guy really appreciative of service received. says thank you about 6 times minimum for each bet placed. ! Rare as rocking horse s**t.
Daggers Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 The Clueless Student: Working his way through his Business Studies he finds himself woefully unable to keep up with the commentary on prices while marking the board, leading to a rush for the tills as customers spy easy bargains to be had. Stupid students. To be honest I don't think the heavy consumption of cannabis at the time helped.
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 24 December 2008 Posted 24 December 2008 We only have one betting company but you can find them every where most of them in pubs
fox123 Posted 24 December 2008 Author Posted 24 December 2008 We only have one betting company but you can find them every where most of them in pubs That will be... The Runner Cheeky little scamp, out to make a quick buck where possible. Used to do a little scrumpying, easily influenced by elders.
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 25 December 2008 Posted 25 December 2008 That will be...The Runner Cheeky little scamp, out to make a quick buck where possible. Used to do a little scrumpying, easily influenced by elders. No that is actually a statement there is only one betting company
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