Miquel The Work Geordie

Watching Switzerland do this, with what should have been our entry, while we turned up with the worst sound our beloved Eurovision has ever seen, feels like Jim Bowen and Tony Green showing me a speedboat I've just missed out on

San Marino get a say? Absolute bottom of their respective qualifying group merchants

Portugal?! Our jury been on Lidl bakery pasteis de nata and been seduced by the custardy insides havent they, giving them sardine merchants 12 man.

Always feels weird this bit seeing Our Celebs on it. Like watching them weird Eastenders / Corro crossovers on red nose day

Martin Osterdahl is the Gianni Infantino of this isn't he, he wants game 39

Don't know about anyone else but I'm feeling United By Music tonight

Hope you all got your votes in (and asked for the bill payer's permission)

"Ooo look at me look at me I won last year now I'm writhing about on a stool with streams of toilet paper cascading around me love me love me"

Say what you want about DHGate Claudia WInkleman, you could eat your tea off her stomach! Here's me debating eating a whole pork pie like a ****ing apple

Soon as I heard goddam Graham Norton brother I folded like a house of cards

Eurovision should be for the kids, emulating their heroes. I remember when I donned a denim jacket and pretended I was Daz Sampson as a doe eyed 14 year old. Who in their right mind is going to let their kid emulate tonight's embarrassment? If you're a parent tonight and you let your kid jump around willy nilly in a shower, you're part of the problem

Back for Eurovision – been doing some phenomenal pints recently. Kirkstall are absolutely dominating in Leeds now, they've moved into the bottom floor of the Tetley building and are (jointly with Five Points) renovating the Victoria in the city which was previously a Nicholsons, a beautiful building and bar they'll do a fantastic job with. Wenlocks (basically Five Points) are also opening a beer / food hall round the back of the Corn Exchange which I imagine will be akin to Mackie Mayor in Manchester. Cardigan Arms in Burley is still the GOATed boozer up there for me and one I miss every day having moved back down to Leicester for a bit. Best pubs (some new for me, some not) in the past year have been... The Pigeons in Halifax – absolutely beautiful gaff with a few rooms coming off a bar, Ossett owned and operated so White Rat was about £3.60. Great stop before going down the Shay to watch the football, Halifax as a place is seriously doing well for pubs and beer. The Big Six is also *phenomenal* – I'd advise anyone who lives in the north / has easy access to have a poke around there. Port St Beerhouse in Manchester is really, really lovely. Gas Lamp and Crown & Kettle up there consistently deliver too. The Wenlock Arms in Islington has been a fixture whenever I've nipped down there over the past five years and is now always top of the pile, it's the perfect pub. Sutton Arms in Clerkenwell up there too. Used to love the Old Fountain but the staff are shit in there now, it's really just lost a bit of what made it so good to visit. The beer is still great, the pub is still exactly the same, but the staff are so unarsed to the point its quite easy to swerve. Goes under the radar a bit I feel, but outside of the capital I genuinely think Sheffield can stake a claim to be the best pub city in the country.

They sound like me after ten pints trying to make chat with a bloody Uber driver

Wowo these holograms really have organic chat

She's dressed a bit like the future and all I'll say is I'm ready to embrace AI !

This is the most attracted to any woman I've ever been and I follow numerous indie influencers from the Greater Manchester area on Instagram

YES YES YES

This is probably the best ballad but if you wear a mosquito net on stage you deserve to finish last imo

The French are good at rioting and football but are a nation of moaning simpletons in every other regard. Facts are facts

Whys he wearing the webbing you get in swimming shorts

Oh god I haven't had a Tommy over a video game since BMX XXX in on the PS2 2002

Also absolutely disgraceful we've given the Yanks an entry in this now too! Georgia! Aha just some geography humour there everyone

She looks like she's going to offer me advice in a mythical themed video game

Here's one @Zear0 told me was nice and I swear to god she better be over 25

Would love to see him put our entry through the Spanish announce table