Isn't part of being a football being optimistic ?

[Captain...]

Once I was a proud young thing

But now I just feel let down, out of date and neglected.

Someone has drawn all over your face, that is just disrespectful.

I got really excited once as a player scored a hattrick with me, I thought I was going to be taken home and looked after and take pride of place in the trophy cabinet, but it was scored against F*rest and therefore didn't really count, so I discarded for a few months then I was given to the dog as a chew toy and if you think being kicked hurts try having a doberman wrap his slobbering teeth around you and gnaw away at you until you burst. Then piss on you to ensure nobody else wants to play with you then bury you with some of it's crap for good measure, occaisionally exhuming me for further torture and scat based sex games.