Nationwider

Me, for making such a dickhead post about car crashes a couple of nights ago. A 2.5 hour drive home from work doesn't excuse what I wrote, which would have been grossly insensitive on this forum, had it been posted at another time.

People who crash their cars on duel carriageways. Fúcking attention seekers. "Oh, look at me, look at me and my smashed up car." Selfish twats deserve a good punch in the neck. Just point your shitty saloon between the white lines, keep a sensible distant from the car in front and stay away from my motherfúcking life.

Seeing Morrissey in Hull in May. This will be my first time, despite being a huge fan since forever. Would have preferred the historic Borough Hall at the Headland in Hartlepool, but even that sold out asap. Looking forward to Belle & Sebastian doing something this year too, hopefully.

Is this a euphamism for what generally happens on a stez 2nd date?

Good - Me and the boy met Julio Arca and got on t'telly. Bad - Had to give up my tickets to the Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain.

I wrote a R/Y1/Y2 Chrissy play last year. 20 mins. 6 songs. Bosh. No-one wants any more than that...

Those ads for Cobra on Dave. Unfunny as.

First day in my new job....or should have been. Off for the week.

Thanks, everyone. It absolutely broke my heart when I saw the x-ray as it's a bitch of a bone to break. He's so small - life is so unfair. At least he'll make a full recovery. He just fell over awkwardly at his playgroup! Literally a one-in-a-million shot as he's fit as a butcher's dog and usually bounces off the walls/floor/ceiling/sister no problems.

My two year old boy broke the femur in his left leg today and is going to be in hospital for up to a month. So not a good one.

Out of interest, what caused you to just go cold turkey like that, and succeed, '123? I had a friend who did the same thing. He hadn't even planned to quit, and had smoked 10-20 a day for about 10 years; he was in the pub when some said to him "You could never quit" and sort of mocked him for it. He finished his fag at the bar (for 'twas in the good old days) and never lit up again. He was so affronted by the accusation, he quit just to prove a point.

Just when you thought the world couldn't get any more stupid... Actually unbelievable.

I really, really, really gave it some serious thought. I'm too much of a chicken-shit though.

Busy weekend at the local supermarket. Car park full-ish, but by no means overflowing. NW and NW Jnr II disappointed but not downhearted to find parent/child spaces (handy when unloading a baby/car seat combo) all taken. Parked near back of supermarché car park and walked a short distance extra with baby/car seat combo to collect trolley. On passing said parent/child spaces, was dismayed to see Ferrari-driving willy puller parking his bright red penis extention in one of the recently-vacated spaces. Gets out of car with smelly, bleach-blonde pirate hooker girlfriend in tow. Child? None. Car seat? None. Twat Club Membership card? Platinum. It's not the most important thing ever, granted. Millions are dying in war-torn African states, our streets are awash with violent crime, there is still no cure for cancer. And yet I wish for nothing more than the Ferrari-driving paedo and his vacouos, peroxide, disease-ridden girlfriend to be accosted and sodomised by a couple of very angry, drunk polar bears, before their long-overdue evisceration at the hands of as many as twelve ninjas in a scene that would make Quentin Tarantino blush and bring up a little sick in his throat. That is all.

There is something about the televised live evisceration of child abusers that does appeal to my baser instincts at times.

The lack of individuality and charisma within the new breed of international snooker stars. It's all 17 hours practice, 2 hours in the gym, bottles of Evian all round and then tucked up tight in the oxygen tent. Where is the lager? Where are Benson & Hedges? Where is Len Ganley when you need him most? It's a modern crisis.

Hope the weather holds up for you tomorrow. Re: Lighthouse. I'm in. Bunkbeds with AOWW.

Down the road from me, there's a windmill. No sails on it mind, so it could just be a big chimney. But a windmill would be good. How do you find furniture to fit a lighthouse anyway? I reckon lighthouse keepers and their lighthouse families must just sit around on bean bags and use trampettes all day. Why d'you ask? Have you read my stars...? Libra - Mercury is in occlusion and Saturn is backpeddling fast. Put an offer in on a lighthouse immediately. On Thursday, you will be locked in DFS during an armed robbery. Hmm. The clues are there... No cricket this weekend, TPH?

Good afternoon everyone. I'm good thanks, TPH. I should be doing jobs, but I appear to have found beer instead. Katy - I can only say that as Mrs NW is presently in a different county.

Shaving is a huge pain in the arse. That why I only shave twice a week. Women should have to pay more tax for not having to shave their chins. Legs don't count. You can cover them up. You can't easily cover a chin. Unless you're a surgeon. Or a bank robber.

...When you go outside without any shoes and socks on and tread on a snail. You get sound, texture and a vague warmth between your toes.

There's nothing in that post that I don't like or admire. If everyone would try to be a bit more Flair, the world would be a better place.

Wind back a moment... Philip Schofield? In a crisp bag? Eh?