NewquayFox

Love to hear some good ones then, so go on then CityFan ????

My Missus just called me and said she is low on petrol and is too frightened to fill up in case she gets Swine flu, I said "its from Mexico not feckin Texaco" ;0)

I think i have got `Swine Fever` i`m coming out in rashers. ;0)

Just won a holiday to mexico, can`t go i`m pig sick. ;0)

Whats Josef Fritzl`s favourite chat up line ? Fancy a bit of `hows your Father` ;0/

Paddy says to his mate " I`ve been taking Steroids and have grown a second Willy" His mate says " Anabolic ? Paddy says " No, just a Willy" ;0)

Paddy is struggling to find a parking slot and he is late for work, so he looks up to the Heavens and says "Lord help me find a slot and i promise to go to Church on Sundays and give up the booze! Just as he finishes praying a car pulls out of a slot in front of him so he looks up again and says "Its OK Lord i have found one" ;0)

One day a long long time ago in a land far far away lived a Woman who did not nag, whine or bitch. But it was just one day and a long feckin time ago. ;0)

Paddy asks Murphy why Scuba divers fall off their boats backwards ? To which Murphy replies "You thick Eejhitt Paddy, if they fell forwards they`d be still on the feckin boat !! ;0)

What does the average shopkeeper weigh ? Midget Gems & Cola Cubes.

The credit crunch is really biting now, just heard that Pedigree Chum have called the retrievers in!!! ;0)

Dear Diedre, I have never written to you before but i really need your advice, I have suspected for sometime that my Wife has been cheating. The usual signs are, the phone rings and if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the Girls a lot, and when i ask their names its " oh you dont know them" I try to stay awake to look out for her but always fall asleep. Anyway last night i finally decided to check on her, around midnight i hid in the garage behind my golf clubs to get a good view of the whole Street when she came home from her night out. When she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse up and she took her panties out of her handbag and put them on. It was at that moment crouching behind my golf clubs that i noticed it, a hairline crack where the grip meets the shaft on my trusty 5 wood, is this something i can fix myself or should i take it to the pro-shop?

Pat forgets his lunch and asks Mick for 1 of his sandwiches, he takes a bite and shouts "Jayzuss Mick what the feck is in dis? Mick says "Crab paste" Pat says "where did you get it ? Mick says " Boots the Chemist" ;0)

Cant wait to see the look on my Family`s faces when they open there presents on Christmas morning, I`ve got them all Woolworths vouchers. ;0/ :santa:

Been chatting to a 14 year old Girl on the Internet, She is funny, sexy & flirty. Now She tells me She is an undercover Cop, how cool is that at her age? ;0)

2 Jehova`s came to my door last week and gave me an Advent calendar. I opened the first door and there was 2 more of them stood there. ;0)

Ha haaa! Thats soooo funny. ;0)

3 blokes die on Christmas day and all go to Heaven, St Peter says to them "if you have anything festive on you as its Christmas you can enter through the Pearly gates" 1st bloke jangles his bunch of keys and says "Festive bells" 2nd bloke flicks hs lighter on and says "its a candle" 3rd bloke takes a pair of ladies pants from his pocket and says "their Carols" ;0)

Martina Navratilova should win `I`m a Celebrity get me out of here` this year, after all she`s been eating Bush tucker for years & years. ;0)

Just walked out of the chip shop with fish & chips, curry sauce, 2 slices of Pizza, battered sausage and a kebab and a Tramp said to me "I havnt eaten in 2 days" I said " Feck me mate I admire your willpower" ;0)

Doris gets a call from the Doctors Surgery at 8.25 in the morning to say there has been a cancellation and can she come in at 9.15 for her smear test? Doris says ok but usually has a soak in the bath before such a harrowing experience to be nice and clean and rushes upstairs whips her pyjamas of and washes her private areas with a flannel thats by the sink,in the Surgery with her legs up in the air and the Doctor having a good mooch round he says "my Doris we have made an effort today! Just wanting to get dressed and out of there Doris takes no notice and quickly dresses and rushes home. Later on her young Daughter comes home from School and asks her Mum where her flannel is, Doris says "Its in the wash, why ? Daughter says "Cos its got all my Glitter in it !!!!! ;0)

Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross have been placed on the Sachs offenders register. ;0)

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears. When you`re worried no one sees your pain. When you`re happy no one sees your smile. But just try getting your todger out on a bus and see how much feckin attention you get. PS.Can you pick me up from the Police station in about an hour ? ;0)

Half term down here in Newquay,having a Hail storm and gale force winds at the moment,its feckin cold. Have lived down here for over 12 years and it has only snowed heavily twice when the snow actually settled,the last time was 4 years ago and it was the first time my youngest (11 yesterday) had ever played out in snow,and it had all melted by the next morning. ;0(

There was a lookalike competition held in China today and everyone won !! ;0)