Rob Kelly's Secret Diary

[MC Prussian]

Dear Diary,

Today is a special day. My first entry into you, aka diary. I wish I could call you Rob Kelly's Private Diary every time I write something down, but then again, I'm afraid the title might be too long and not just bugger me off. Imagine if someone else should actually get his or her fingers on you. All those dirty fingers.

Anyway, let me tell you something about myself. My name is Rob Kelly and I'm currently a manager of a big football club in England called Leicester City. Well, we do have a big stadium we play our home games in and big aspirations, but it's not quite working out that well at the moment.

Ever since I took over from that weird Scottish bloke with glasses, I think a jinx lasted on our team and my efforts to remove it have ended up in mixed success so far. You know, dear booklet, I joined the team having been an assistant manager, so people were kind of sceptic. The fans have expectations. So do I. I always expect the worst to happen, but I very often manage to scramble past a defeat or even a draw with the help of those young lads on the pitch.

They're really working their ass off for me at the moment. Well, most of them do. The rest is just a lazy bunch of hunchbacks who can't really be arsed to work for a common goal. The only thing they have in common is a paycheck they get at the end of the month. So do I.

This first year under my realm has been shaky, but this is no news for this big club. In fact, that's what people around here are used to. Mediocre... Erm... Shite, I made a mistake... And I can't erase it, but oh, I should probably go on with my regular entry then.

Where was I? Oh, the first year is always the hardest. So, with 2007 approaching, I wish that all my dreams will come true and that this filthy rich dude from the States will finally hand over his cash, so that I can buy my diamonds... err... strengthen the squad and roll up the field just like my friend Iain did with his former club, Crystal Palace.

To end this first honey what do you call it? Blog? (which I'm very proud of 'coz I always exhale the same kind of dull piece of cake), I call for a miracle to happen and hope that I can make myself even prouder with the work I'm doing. It can't get any worse than League One, you know.

I'm glad I finally have found somebody I can talk to and who can take all my banter. Not even my wife can keep up with that.

I will make future entries a bit shorter 'coz I'm not really a writer. What footballer is? Now I've made myself chuckle over my own joke. I'm really a funny guy, you know. Hmm... I should actually try to convert this positive energy and save it for the blokes and the game against Sunder... Sunderland tomorrow.

Gee, whizz!! Now where's the champagne? I need to get properly pissed!

Aw, excuse me language. But then again, you're my diary and nobody else will know.

Goodnight!

[Collymore]

post that 10 minutes later and you could have had a shot of post of the year 2007 - great stuf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MC Prussian]

Dear Diary,

It is time for my second entry. This one will be short. On the first day of the new year 2007, we played Sunderland at home and imagine how excited I was! Finally a game to prove that the influence of alcohol does no harm to your squad selection whatsoever. But the mix wasn't right and we did lose this one by the Southampton scoreline last Saturday.

Looking back now, I guess I must've been too shook up when I made my decision. I changed a whopping six positions and brought in lads with names I've never heard of before. I put people in charge who were absolutely not up for the job, but then again, that has a long tradition with this club and even I wonder why I'm still here. To tell you the truth, you can't make a baby fly when it's got no wings, right?

This club cannot be helped. Or maybe that Millionaire bloke can. The people in charge are way too deluded to be honest enough and admit what a financial nightmare this whole enterprise is. Well, they always expect me to work miracles with no cash at hand. But I'm no bloody Houdini!

I'm called a "Caretaker Manager", but in fact, I should be taken care of. Either give me some holidays or let me go. I cannot take this any longer! The players are striking again by not striking, the entire board is in the sandpit again, throwing plastic shovels at each other and brabbling the whole day long and the fans are so overly critical, every new sarcastic comment is a new flesh wound. It hurts.

But anyway, we've now got almost two weeks to recover and trying to find out where we left our brains. Seems like they got stolen or something by a resolute Darby fan by the name of Barber... Next time, we'll meet for a Cup clash with Fulham... And I can't wait to lose again. Soon, all this agony will end!

See you round!

[Thracian]

It's Tuesday - and the walls of the bunker I'm hiding in near the canal at Stoke Golding seem to be closing in.

I've got some time to spare because all the players are with the surgeons having a keywind mechanism fitted so they can cope with our fourth redoubling of efforts on the training ground.

We've got a simple target. Before the end of winter - or before Milan Mandaric arrives and leads me to the bus home - I'm determined that we'll get a shot on target.

It's so bad even an own goal would be welcome right now!

I'm sitting here with a pen and paper. I've heard Thracian's been getting on at me for picking unfit fotballers so I've just been jotting some names down. If we're forced to select fit players we'll be down to about seven men for our next game.

I don't know what's gone wrong really. I never do. I've tried to pick my favourite players - even if I have to fit them in somewhere they might feel uncomfortable - and you'd think they'd try to say thankyou for that by playing well.

Look at Darren Kenton. It's ages since he played but as soon as he was walking again I got him involved.

I know he's not a left-back but I thought Levi would be good enough to look after him. Levi's scored a couple and made one or two in previous games so I didn't think they'd miss him up front against Southampton and Sunderland if it was a case of helping out the old uns.

In fact I thought the attack could cope with Fast-track Fryatt and Chriss O'Maybe lighting the way forward and Hughes's trickery and precision passing from the flank to make the chances. Not sure which component of that little Trinity didn't quite function properly - perhaps I'll have another look when my head clears.

I really think it's unfair to jump on me about Weso. The boy's limping a lot faster now and we simply have to rebuild his confidence.

It'd make no difference having a reserve team - the lad's done his training and he could as easily get injured again in the reserves as the senior side.

Besides, the first team is his only option cos I don't think the reserves have another game until the spring. Too cold and wet in winter.

Anyway if all our unfit players turned out to get fit in reserves there'd never be room for anyone who was fit. God football's so complicated. It hurts my head - or is it the corrugated roof of this bunker.

Anyway I don't want to be a manager. I did. Yes I tried to be quiet about it but really and truly I did. Now I'm changing my mind.

Look at Roy Keane. He says he doesn't like being a manager and he's winning, he's got a smashing side and he gets to watch some shots at the opposition goal.

When he's next feeling cheesed off he should come and coach this lot.

You'd think I didn't tell them about varying their free-kicks and corners, making some space with crossover runs at throw ins, making dummy runs to create space in attack, driving into the box from midfield and supporting closely whenever we're in possession.

I do, I tell them ever week. They just don't listen.

Whether that's because we've had our differences from time to time I don't know. I can't understand that. I've never let an argument run on for more than a month or two and if anyone's fitness has dropped as a result that's their fault. I'm their manager not their mother.

Mr Mandaric won't find it any easier when he gets here, believe me.

First of all he's got Beaglehole to cope with. That bloke gets all his players to attack all the time. And when they get through to first team level they're lost. We just don't play that way. You can see that from our shots ratio. If one of our midfielders breaks into the opposition penalty area it's because he's become disorientated. Thank God for Epsom salts.

Not only do the youngsters have to adapt to Championship football but they have to adapt to our way of thinking and that's firmly based on relentless zonal defending.

To do that it's no use having the ball. We have to give the ball to the opposition first - then the system glides into in motion. Yes I admit we were too far back when we gave the ball to Sunderland sometimes but it does serve to test the system and the goalkeeper, or both.

The youngsters aren't used to that of course. They're all for getting the ball and keeping it as long as they can. Perhaps that's the key to our problems. We must either change Mr Beaglehole's fundamental approach or get the lads to adapt faster.

Our main focus is on closing people down. We pride ourselves in closing everyone down quickly.

Hard to beat, hard to beat, listen to the rhythm.

No, that's completely wrong. I didn't say we'd close ourselves down I said we close the opposition down.

You're not listening. You're just like some of the players. You're just not listening....................

[T-Bone]

It's Tuesday - and the walls of the bunker I'm hiding in near the canal at Stoke Golding seem to be closing in.

I've got some time to spare because all the players are with the surgeons having a keywind mechanism fitted so they can cope with our fourth redoubling of efforts on the training ground.

We've got a simple target. Before the end of winter - or before Milan Mandaric arrives and leads me to the bus home - I'm determined that we'll get a shot on target.

It's so bad even an own goal would be welcome right now!

I'm sitting here with a pen and paper. I've heard Thracian's been getting on at me for picking unfit fotballers so I've just been jotting some names down. If we're forced to select fit players we'll be down to about seven men for our next game.

I don't know what's gone wrong really. I never do. I've tried to pick my favourite players - even if I have to fit them in somewhere they might feel uncomfortable - and you'd think they'd try to say thankyou for that by playing well.

Look at Darren Kenton. It's ages since he played but as soon as he was walking again I got him involved.

I know he's not a left-back but I thought Levi would be good enough to look after him. Levi's scored a couple and made one or two in previous games so I didn't think they'd miss him up front against Southampton and Sunderland if it was a case of helping out the old uns.

In fact I thought the attack could cope with Fast-track Fryatt and Chriss O'Maybe lighting the way forward and Hughes's trickery and precision passing from the flank to make the chances. Not sure which component of that little Trinity didn't quite function properly - perhaps I'll have another look when my head clears.

I really think it's unfair to jump on me about Weso. The boy's limping a lot faster now and we simply have to rebuild his confidence.

It'd make no difference having a reserve team - the lad's done his training and he could as easily get injured again in the reserves as the senior side.

Besides, the first team is his only option cos I don't think the reserves have another game until the spring. Too cold and wet in winter.

Anyway if all our unfit players turned out to get fit in reserves there'd never be room for anyone who was fit. God football's so complicated. It hurts my head - or is it the corrugated roof of this bunker.

Anyway I don't want to be a manager. I did. Yes I tried to be quiet about it but really and truly I did. Now I'm changing my mind.

Look at Roy Keane. He says he doesn't like being a manager and he's winning, he's got a smashing side and he gets to watch some shots at the opposition goal.

When he's next feeling cheesed off he should come and coach this lot.

You'd think I didn't tell them about varying their free-kicks and corners, making some space with crossover runs at throw ins, making dummy runs to create space in attack, driving into the box from midfield and supporting closely whenever we're in possession.

I do, I tell them ever week. They just don't listen.

Whether that's because we've had our differences from time to time I don't know. I can't understand that. I've never let an argument run on for more than a month or two and if anyone's fitness has dropped as a result that's their fault. I'm their manager not their mother.

Mr Mandaric won't find it any easier when he gets here, believe me.

First of all he's got Beaglehole to cope with. That bloke gets all his players to attack all the time. And when they get through to first team level they're lost. We just don't play that way. You can see that from our shots ratio. If one of our midfielders breaks into the opposition penalty area it's because he's become disorientated. Thank God for Epsom salts.

Not only do the youngsters have to adapt to Championship football but they have to adapt to our way of thinking and that's firmly based on relentless zonal defending.

To do that it's no use having the ball. We have to give the ball to the opposition first - then the system glides into in motion. Yes I admit we were too far back when we gave the ball to Sunderland sometimes but it does serve to test the system and the goalkeeper, or both.

The youngsters aren't used to that of course. They're all for getting the ball and keeping it as long as they can. Perhaps that's the key to our problems. We must either change Mr Beaglehole's fundamental approach or get the lads to adapt faster.

Our main focus is on closing people down. We pride ourselves in closing everyone down quickly.

Hard to beat, hard to beat, listen to the rhythm.

No, that's completely wrong. I didn't say we'd close ourselves down I said we close the opposition down.

You're not listening. You're just like some of the players. You're just not listening....................

Beaglehole's team got knocked out the youth cup in the 1st round - Joe Mattock is the only decent player in that side.

Roy Keane wins more than us because he has paid decent money for players

We need to be hard to beat because the players aren't good enough

[Thracian]

Beaglehole's team got knocked out the youth cup in the 1st round - Joe Mattock is the only decent player in that side.

Roy Keane wins more than us because he has paid decent money for players

We need to be hard to beat because the players aren't good enough

Who ever claimed that Beaglehole would never lose a match. Mourinho's lost more matches than Beaglehole this season with a bottomless pit of money.

But don't use that pathetic claim to knock the success he's had both this year and last.

And as for saying Mattock's our only decent player. Nonsense. Mattock was no better than ordinary against Villa in the youth cup.

Andy King, Tom Tejan-Sie, Billy McKay, Ryan Beswick and a few cameo's from Odhiambo were far more memorable than anything Mattock did. Indeed, those five had generally been the shining lights in recent matches I've watched.

Analysing why Keane is so effective is inconclusive but I bet "respect" goes a long way. And the right approach, simply explained and put into effect by players who are capable of and inspired to deliver.

As for your third comment we are not hard to to beat and won't be if we always stand back to soak up endless punishment.

We are so hard to beat we've lost more games than we've won and have scored a measly one goal a game (26). Considering we concede goals at a higher rate (34 so far) than that it is pretty obvious that we need to score more.

[T-Bone]

Who ever claimed that Beaglehole would never lose a match. Mourinho's lost more matches than Beaglehole this season with a bottomless pit of money.

But don't use that pathetic claim to knock the success he's had both this year and last.

And as for saying Mattock's our only decent player. Nonsense. Mattock was no better than ordinary against Villa in the youth cup.

Andy King, Tom Tejan-Sie, Billy McKay, Ryan Beswick and a few cameo's from Odhiambo were far more memorable than anything Mattock did. Indeed, those five had generally been the shining lights in recent matches I've watched.

Analysing why Keane is so effective is inconclusive but I bet "respect" goes a long way. And the right approach, simply explained and put into effect by players who are capable of and inspired to deliver.

As for your third comment we are not hard to to beat and won't be if we always stand back to soak up endless punishment.

We are so hard to beat we've lost more games than we've won and have scored a measly one goal a game (26). Considering we concede goals at a higher rate (34 so far) than that it is pretty obvious that we need to score more.

I agree that Beaglehole's record is excellent - but the teams they play are average. We don't play Manchester United/Liverpool/Crewe/Everton/Manchester City's that would certainly provide more of a test and a better level for us to judge the players on. But I suppose you could say that you can only beat what is in front of you.For me, I think that Mattock is the only one that would have a good opportunity here and the fact that he is a left back would help that.

If you look at the options we have got, there is no doubt that we need a striker, one that can provide a good foil for Hume/Fryatt. While we haven't got one, I feel that trying to become hard to beat would provide a good foundation to build on. If we can buy a striker in January or bring one in on loan - a player that Kelly can bring in with a decent amount of money of better calibre, instead of penny pintching - hopefully we will see more of an attacking mentality that we would all want to see. With better forward options open to him, I'd imagine you would see a different style of play - I just feel the players we have are very workman like and our play reflects that.