Jordan Posted 30 October 2007 Posted 30 October 2007 So, tomorrow's the Chelsea vs. Leicester Carling Cup 4th round match, and it's got added significance for me because I have a good friend who's a Chelsea fan. This is the first time these two teams have played since he's come over to the U.S. from England, so I'm relishing the opportunity for some serious s**t-talking. I posted this open letter to him online for all my friends to read. Most of the other people who have/will read this probably cannot pronounce "Leicester," but still, I decided to try to win their sympathies to my side. Let's just say I switched from my usual Leicester-are-still-the-best-damn-club-'cross-the-pond thing and played up on the whole Leicester-being-huge-underdogs aspect a tiny bit... Eh up, Andy,I've known you for a little over two years now (I think) and I suppose I can say that you seem to be a decent fellow. On many occasions, you've driven me to places when I've been stranded sans drivers license and automobile, and I've really appreciated that. You've added recently a music quiz on Tuesday nights at Doyle's; that's a subtle way to make Tuesday nights a little less miserably boring and I salute you for that. There was also the time when I was really, really sick and you gave me one of your kidneys. That was very considerate of you (it's still going strong, BTW). ...but underneath the whole cheery Englishman persona that you carry, there's a dark and sinister side to you. You might seem to be a kind person, but when the party's over on Beekman Ave., you're a dirty bastard. I've waited a long time to call you out on this, but I can wait no longer. Why do I say this? Simple: you support Chelsea Football Club. Dirty, filthy Chelsea. I support the valiant Leicester City Football Club. On Wednesday, October 31, our clubs will clash for the first time since we became acquainted with each other as they meet in the fourth round of the Carling Cup. This match is a true example of David vs. Goliath, Good vs. Evil and The People of Myanmar vs. The Junta combined. Your favo(u)rite soccer (football) club represents all that is disgusting with the world. Your owner, the billionaire Roman Abramovich, is the world's biggest spender on luxury yachts, so he's a massive douchebag. Abramovich has turned your team into his personal plaything using the sordid money he has earned from various business ventures including oil, the airplane industry, destroying the ozone layer, the Nigerian email scam, the Southeast Asian teenage sex slave trade and killing cute puppies and posting videos of those heinous acts online. Some Chelsea fan groups have historical ties to neo-Nazi organizations. Your leading scorer (Didier Drogba) has made no secret of his hatred for Catholics. Your midfield maestro (Frank Lampard) is a convicted sex offender. Your star defender (John Terry) makes 750,387,395.86 pounds sterling per week.. Leicester, on the other hand, sit currently in 15th place in, well, not the Premier League, but rather the Coca-Cola League Championship. It's for teams that aren't good enough to be in the Premiership and it got its name not from corporate sponsorship, but because players in this league get paid not with money but only in quantities of Coca-Cola (a two-liter bottle if you win, an 8-ounce can if you draw, nothing if you lose). That sucks even more because every player on Leicester is diabetic. As a result, Leicester players all work at least two extra jobs just to make enough money to feed their own children, so they don't even have time to practice. They also play in uniforms that are hand-me-downs from a Canadian high school girls junior varsity volleyball team. Right now, Leicester do not have a manager. Our last manager walked out on us on Wednesday just to fook with Leicester fans' minds. Our owner, crazy old Milan Mandaric, was meaning to get a new one, but he doesn't even remember what he ate for breakfast this morning. The anthem that Chelsea fans sing during games is the annoyingly-long "10 Men Went to Mow," which was also Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite song. Leicester fans do not have an anthem. The closest thing they have to doing anything as a group occurs when the referee blows the final whistle to seal another Leicester loss. Many in the crowd will then gaze down at the floor, sigh, curse their team's luck and wonder why a God that is supposed to be all-loving has chosen to give their daughters leukemia (those who have wives and daughters that survived childbirth, anyway). Some fans will succumb to emotion and let a few tears roll down their cheeks. WHY, GOD? WHY?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sniff* OK. Get yourself together, Jordan... The odds are stacked against Leicester in every way. I just checked willhill.com, and they have Chelsea 1/5 favorites and Leicester 10/1 underdogs even though Chelsea will probably field a lineup consisting not of their own players, but of their meat pie vendors. BUT GOOD WILL PREVAIL. LEICESTER HAVE THE HEART OF THE PEOPLE--THE DOWNTRODDEN, THE MEEK, THE WEAK, THE HONEST, THE OPPRESSED (both people who are being oppressed and the old Oi! band) ON THEIR SIDE, AND COMBINED, THIS WILL FORM A FORCE SO POWERFUL THAT IT CAN CRUSH EVEN THE MOST VILE OF OPPOSITION. Oh, man, how I'd love it if Leicester won...
stez Posted 30 October 2007 Posted 30 October 2007 the being paid in cola, and being diabetic made L O L and i hate typing, and reading, 'L O L'! good work jordan! :laugh:
Alexikokopops Posted 31 October 2007 Posted 31 October 2007 I enjoyed that, especially the The anthem that Chelsea fans sing during games is the annoyingly-long "10 Men Went to Mow," which was also Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite song. bit.
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