Ultra

Saw the Damned United last night. Not the most historically accurate of films, but features good performances by Michael Sheen and Timothy Spall. And it's essential viewing for anyone who wishes to understand why Leeds United are the most widely-loathed club in the land.

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be met by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she has a chance to say anything, the man tips a bucket full of horse manure over her hallway carpet and explains, "Madam - if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, I will eat what is left." "Well," she says, "I hope you're fcuking hungry - because my electricity got cut off this morning."

Nope. It's a southern county stuck in the lower leagues..

Talking to someone who went to last night's AGM, I hear we're getting Aussie all-rounder Andrew McDonald as next year's overseas signing. There's also a salary cap in place for this season. We're well below it but one county is reportedly £200k over it..

Horrible case. Hope the b'stard gets AIDS... Here's a couple more local cases.. Horror as woman badly hurt Hit and run crash leaves student brain-damaged In both cases, the scumbags responsible will be back on the streets within two years, thanks to our woefully inadequate laws on motoring offences. Remember them and their victims the next time you watch "Jerk Off with Jezza" about the latest piece of kit that can do 0-60 in 3 seconds...

Ronnie Biggs. He's paying back for all those years he spent in Brazil, living it up while on the run from plod. He seems in a bad way and likely to die in jail, but I can see why the state may want to make an example of him.

Oxygen thieves of the lowest order...

A Derby fan was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Derby Fan. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman wearing only a Nottingham Forest shirt. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young Forest maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Derby fan started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young Forest woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Looks like something Jeremy Beadle might have done..

Get Jerome Taylor back!

Du Preez return ruled out I'm sure the whole of the county will be in mourning over that..

Classic! lol

Getting Timothy Spall to play Peter Taylor (Clough's sidekick, not the fcukwit who managed us) was an inspired move. Not sure about Michael Sheen though. The trailer shows him straying too much into Mike Yarwood territory. But the book captures the sleaze and petty jealousies of the 70s perfectly, and it'll be fascinating to see whether the film manages to do the same.

Found out that The Damned United (an account of Brian Clough's brief spell as Leeds manager in 1974) is due out on 27 March. It's in my diary already. Waccoe don't seem too keen on it..

Flew to Spain on my holiday last year. On the plane, the Stewardess asked, "Would you care for an orange juice?" I replied, "Only if it really needs me"..

Then do it. This is the job he's elected to do. It may also earn him some publicity into the bargain. Better do it soon, though, as he'll be away for a few weeks soon taking an aid convoy to Palestine.

Soldiers bite the heads off live chickens I'm surer that will instil the fear of God into the Iraqi militias..

Doesn't seem like "abject crap" to me..

Here's some more contenders, this time from Derby..

That guy needs locking up. He clearly has some type of serious personality disorder. The mate of his who makes fun of Baby P is no better.

Too right..

I was also at that gig. Can't believe it was nearly TEN YEARS ago.. It was well worth attending, even if it meant I had to kip for the night at Snottingham train station..

No, it's the touts and "agencies" buying in bulk and then driving up the prices. The Manchester gig on 22 May (Moz's 50th birthday) was supposedly sold out in 15 minutes of the tickets going on sale. Yet I shopped around on the net a couple of weeks later and got a ticket for £40, only a 20% mark-up on the original price (tickets for the same gig are going for £100+ on other sites). Whispers are that Johnny Marr may turn up that night. If so, that ticket will be the best bargain I've ever bought.