Bellend Sebastian

Now that I haven't tried, cheers. The only other thing I haven't done is fiddle about with the drivers. At least if I don't get it sorted, I'll have another good excuse to buy a new motherboard.

My computer has mysteriously decided to stop emitting any sounds at all. The speaker system works fine, there are no device conflicts and Windows rashly and inaccurately claims that the sound device is working ok. What the cocking hell is going on?

If I ever remember who Lisa is I may well be terrified

There's a blind bloke that takes his dog for a crap on New Walk, and he manages to pick the chod up and put it in the bin (with the help of his dog). If he can manage it, surely everyone else can. Unless they've got no hands, of course

You know all those dolphins that died the other day? Apparently it was suicide. They had no porpoise in life. I went to see my doctor this week. She said: "you're going to have to stop wanking" "Why?" I asked. "Because I'm trying to examine you"

If you find an advert stupid and annoying, it will be because it's not aimed at you. Hard though it is to believe, someone out there probably thinks it's brilliant. On reflection, it's not that hard to believe though is it, because so many of the population are complete idiots

When the powers that be tell the masses not to panic buy something, which they should really have noticed by now might as well be a direct instruction to panic buy as if your life depended on it. When will they realise that it would probably make more sense to just keep quiet?

People that are so upset by all the immigrants that they threaten to emigrate, thereby presumably becoming an immigrant in wherever it is they end up. People that talk about Princess Di as if they actually knew her. People that believe the solution to sickening violence is...sickening violence

Why, Sir or Madam, you are as big a pedant as I am. And that's some achievement

You are Jeremy Clarkson in disguise and I claim my £5. Forests are built indeed. You'll be telling us they 'make' apples next

My girlfriend is one of the best drivers that I know. Fortunately she doesn't come on here so doesn't need to know I said that

People that drop litter, and generally people that don't do the right thing because they either cannot be arsed or feel empowered by being a twat

I apparently look like Marcus Brigstocke or Marlon out of Emmerdale, depending on who you speak to. Only Raj can verify this as he's the only FTer I've actually met

It still is. If you're walking along Vaughan Way FROM the direction of the Bus Station, it's after the Saab garage and Mem-Saab and just before you get to the Shires extension. It's open pretty much all the time as far as I'm aware. I always go in my lunch hour

I started last year. I've been three times so far - or is it four? The worst part is filling in the tick box form and that takes about 30 seconds. The whole thing is dead easy and the bit where the needle goes in hurts for about a millionth of a second so I think most people can cope with that. I've got to admit that I don't like watching the needle go in, but it's ok, they don't make you. I was a bit disappointed with the lack of lightheadedness, as I was hoping it might make me feel a bit off me tits and give me a good excuse not to do much work, but unfortunately I felt fine. The best bit though is that you get a free cup of tea and a Kit Kat, although the confectionary you get probably depends on where you go. I go to the main one on Vaughan way, and you get a mini packet of Crawfords shortbread at the very least. You also get a smart membershipcard, and different coloured ones after you've given blood so many times. What more incentive could you require? Oh, and you might save some people's lives and stuff like that

I think Maddy did it. I'm just adding to all the other nonsense

"What's your favourite Beatles album then?" "I think I'd have to say....Best of the Beatles"