25 things

[SilverFox]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work..

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely >>handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

[Cobbo]

Class

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.

[Guest Daniel]

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work..

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely >>handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

Im getting there.

Always read the paper on the loo! :laugh:

[Guest]

Pfft!

Yeah right, lets put things into perspective here.....

1, OPENING JARS - I can open my own jars, thank you, typical man taking over again.

2, missing, if you're going to make yourselves look so fantastic, please learn to count first.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - I feel quite tempted to give this one a go at the next kickabout.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - It's not rocket science, is it.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - More like men are attracted to filth....women have this one sorted, hehehe.

6, DRINKING UP - hehehehe, yeah right.....

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - we use that bit of cane lying around, for some reason it makes the job easier.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ask his gf or wife or mother what he was like at the time he got the injury....

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - you think you look so great....

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - You secretly want to be one, more like.

11, USING POWER TOOLS - whilst the cat's away, hehehe....

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Been there, done it, got the t-shirt. And no, it's not wet.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... Women are notoriously late, so wouldn't know.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - Only when there is an audience.

16, WINKING - What a turn off.

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - We don't need to physically do it, we are happy enough imagining swinging it into your heads.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Then you moan when you're mugged.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - We have a lot to discuss, like where our menfolk have gone horribly wrong.

20, PARALLEL PARKING - Easy peasy.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - This should read "HAVING THAT FEELING OF SMUG SELF-SATISFACTION".

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Only because we didn't think that a bit of a sniffle was life threatening.

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - Dear oh dearie me. We have you suckered here. Why should we do all the hard work?

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - At least the seat will be down after this one.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - Go on, hug him, you know you want to!

[Guest Daniel]

You got one of them internet fridges?

If you aint, why you out the kitchen?

[Guest]

You got one of them internet fridges?

If you aint, why you out the kitchen?

24566[/snapback]

Right.....I'll remember that........

[Guest Daniel]

I will aswel.

You mean BlueMistress 1 - 0 Lisa?

Its ok, ill keep score if you want? :laugh:

[Guest]

I will aswel.

You mean BlueMistress 1 - 0 Lisa?

Its ok, ill keep score if you want? :laugh:

24595[/snapback]

That's a score!!!

Bloody hell fire!!

If you worked to my system, you haven't even started matey

[SilverFox]

Pfft!

Yeah right, lets put things into perspective here.....

1, OPENING JARS - I can open my own jars, thank you, typical man taking over again.

2, missing, if you're going to make yourselves look so fantastic, please learn to count first.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - I feel quite tempted to give this one a go at the next kickabout.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - It's not rocket science, is it.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - More like men are attracted to filth....women have this one sorted, hehehe.

6, DRINKING UP - hehehehe, yeah right.....

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - we use that bit of cane lying around, for some reason it makes the job easier.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ask his gf or wife or mother what he was like at the time he got the injury....

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - you think you look so great.... 

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - You secretly want to be one, more like. 

11, USING POWER TOOLS - whilst the cat's away, hehehe....

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Been there, done it, got the t-shirt.  And no, it's not wet.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... Women are notoriously late, so wouldn't know.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - Only when there is an audience.

16, WINKING - What a turn off. 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - We don't need to physically do it, we are happy enough imagining swinging it into your heads.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Then you moan when you're mugged.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - We have a lot to discuss, like where our menfolk have gone horribly wrong. 

20, PARALLEL PARKING - Easy peasy.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - This should read "HAVING THAT FEELING OF SMUG SELF-SATISFACTION".

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Only because we didn't think that a bit of a sniffle was life threatening.

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - Dear oh dearie me.  We have you suckered here.  Why should we do all the hard work?

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - At least the seat will be down after this one. 

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - Go on, hug him, you know you want to!

24524[/snapback]

::

[Benji]

You got one of them internet fridges?

If you aint, why you out the kitchen?

24566[/snapback]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :: ::

[Wellman]

good picture BM, very funny