Foxxed

Thought Vic looked great when he was with us. Even was with the first team at times

Hamza, in Loughborough I’ve only known strange men in The Railway Inn, my uncle (see point one) and sports science students vomiting outside kebab houses. Despite your horrendous mistake, you’re still my favourite of the four. Fofana, your forays into midfield and beyond, And your defensive work, exceptional.

Ricardo, when we start cloning players in order to compete, you’re first on my list. Tielemans, if you’re a wonderful footballer, and I highly respect the rewatching of games after matches, however when you’re booked you often look like a mardy reprimanded teenager, but no one’s perfect, and I’d be jealous if you were. Perez, you always look so happy in your Instagram photos. I generally look like I’ve just been told my house is up for demolition. What’s your secret? Ndidi, I think your hair looks better when it’s longer. @Collymore I’ve done all the

Silva (we can do ex players right?), did you legitimately see a more beautiful woman than your wife in Leicester? If so, where?

Gray, while you were working diligently, I was half watching the football while posting childish inanities into an online football forum, yet I still wonder if you’d just relaxed more then you’d have broken through to a higher level.

Barnes, I’m vaguely aware you attended the party, but what I really want to know is how much you hated Chilwell. And why. Thanks. This will be less useful than the party but I’m a gossipy, nosy ****er.

Kelechi, you’re a wonderful goal scoring machine Vardy, you’re a gem all over the pitch

Thomas, I think you’ll be better than Chilwell. And since you actually pass to Barnes I already prefer you.

Evans, that’s long neck, and no doubt about it, something I believe bodes well, since square-headed Huth achieved the impossible with us.

Soyuncu, if we reverted back to a feudal society and I were a baron, you and Wasilewski would be my most valued knights and I’d happily marry a daughter off to you.

Maddison, you’ve acted well and responsibly before. Don’t let others define you by one mistake. People are probs venting about the slow corner walks and child’s rucksack anyway.

To everyone, some of you ****ed up but I forgive you please play well in the next match. Ta very much.

To Marc, everytime I suggest you may not be the right sub you then assist our winning goal

To Under, yes but it's a nice bench

Am I doing this right?