Ric Flair Posted 5 November 2004 Share Posted 5 November 2004 A top lawyer has had a hard day at the office and decides to buy himself a bottle of whiskey on his way home. He stops off in the park to drink it and ends up drinking the whole bottle. He is absolutely bladdered and pukes up all down himself. Knowing his wife is going to wonder why he's got sick all down himself he decides to invent a story. He gets home and his wife asks him why he's got sick all down him, the lawyer responds 'I was walking home when a tramp stumbled in to me and was sick all over me, the dirty bastard'. To make the story more believable he gets home the next day and says to his wife 'you'll never guess what, that tramp who was sick over me was in court today, I gave him 6 months' his wife responds 'you should have given him a year because he shit in your pants aswell!!!!' Hahahahahaaaaaaaa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted 5 November 2004 Share Posted 5 November 2004 Hee hee hee??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirkup21 Posted 5 November 2004 Share Posted 5 November 2004 A burglar broke into the Hampden Park trophy room....... ......Police are looking for a man with a rolled up carpet!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 5 November 2004 Share Posted 5 November 2004 10 Blondes walked into a bar.... Would've thought 1 of seen it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 5 November 2004 Share Posted 5 November 2004 There is this blind man, very busy inflating something. The families that are sunbathing near by realize after some time that he is just inflating...an inflatable doll. A annoyed father approaches him, saying : Well, look, buddy, I'm sorry for you being blind, but for Goodness' sake, won't you STOP doing what you do at the moment ! An inflatable doll with little children around...How dare you ? DAMN IT ! I'VE BEEN SHAGGING MY DINGHY ALL WINTER ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 8 November 2004 Share Posted 8 November 2004 An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants. HE GOT THE JOB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted 8 November 2004 Share Posted 8 November 2004 10 Blondes walked into a bar....Would've thought 1 of seen it. 33588[/snapback] Stupid but made me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rincewind Posted 9 November 2004 Share Posted 9 November 2004 An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants. HE GOT THE JOB 34108[/snapback] I used to have problems with old aunties coming up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and saying 'You're next' This seems to have stopped since I started doing it to them at funerals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rincewind Posted 9 November 2004 Share Posted 9 November 2004 An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants. HE GOT THE JOB 34108[/snapback] I used to have problems with old aunties coming up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and saying 'You're next' This seems to have stopped since I started doing it to them at funerals. 34217[/snapback] A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender says 'Is that safe?' ' 'Yes, of course, I'll show you.' He picks up a bottle smashes it over the crocodiles head, whips out his c.c.c.k and puts it in the crocs mouth. Nothing happened. An old biddy that watched this came over. 'Can I have a go?' 'Sure' the bloke says. 'Can I ask a favour tho?' the old biddy says. 'Ask away' 'Don't hit me so hard with the bottle.' :w00t: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 9 November 2004 Share Posted 9 November 2004 Brilliant mate, truely brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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