davieG Posted 22 November 2006 Posted 22 November 2006 It's such a fundamental part of life and yet there is so much ignorance about it. When I was younger I had no idea what it was all about, other than everybody else seemed to be getting plenty of whatever it was, while all I ever seemed to get were spots. Now however, things are different. Well, I'm older for a start and creak a bit when I bend down to tie my shoelaces. The spots have cleared up, but now I get them before my eyes. I still remember that feeling of frustration, wondering what it was all about and if I would ever find myself in a position, forgive the pun, where I could get some too. Knowing that there are people out there who may be as clueless as I was, I thought, as a man of the world I would give you the benefit of my years of research into the subject. First of all, let me draw your attention to foreplay. My advice is, forget it. Jump right in there quickly in case she changes her mind. Now we've got the preliminaries out of the way lets move quickly on to the clitoris. This is sort of like the male penis only smaller and much harder to get caught in your zip. If you happen to find one that is bigger than your penis, then you better run because you're about to be rogered by a rhino. The clitoris, incidentally, has only recently been discovered by man. It says a lot that we actually discovered South America first, though admittedly it is a lot bigger and you don't get slapped if you ask for directions. Columbus set out to find the clitoris on the night before his famous voyage. Many people warned him that the clitoris was only a myth and that if he tried to find it, he would fall of the edge of the bed. As it turned out, he got as far as the ankles and decided to turn back; then fell of the edge of the world and ended up in Bolton. He also failed, incidentally to find the G spot. Many people wonder about it's existence and I can state categorically that I have, after much research, found out where it is. If you take your index finger and place it firmly on the alphabet, move upwards until you pass the letter F, and stop before you reach H, then there it is. A word of warning with this, be careful. It will drive her crazy; especially if it's her dictionary you're using and she's trying to look up the word, 'retard.' The female orgasm was once a myth. Now we know it exists, men are honour bound to try and oblige the lady with at least twelve before he passes out. A friend of mine, when I was younger, attempted this feat seven times in the course of an hour with no success. He found his orgasm, but that wasn't the point. He was working on the assumption that the young lady had one in her some place and all she had to do was keep banging away until it came to the door; unfortunately, it thought he was a Jehovah s Witness and hid behind the couch until he had left. She ended up walking like John Wayne for a couple of days and he was so dehydrated, he looked like Tutankhamen's older, drier brother. Rather graciously, the lady said, 'it's okay. Women just like to be held.' That struck him as being an odd thing to say at such a time. It's like a woman saying, 'the only reason I let my man to go down on me, is because I like to watch the bald spot he's developing. It looks like Uruguay.' People have sex in all sorts of different positions. There are so many, in fact, that they have been given numbers. A sixty nine, for example, can take you to heaven and back; but you have to be careful which number you choose. A forty two takes you to the library and back; a ninety-six comes with soya chunks and an extra portion of king prawns; and a number two means you're in the wrong place and are the equivalent of one of those pensioners you read about, who drive up the M62 the wrong way on a Sunday afternoon. Pubic hair, which a lot of people seem to shave off nowadays for some reason, is nature's natural dental floss. It was originally intended to be a form of natural Velcro for those who try out the advanced positions to make love. It was meant to stick the couple together so that the man didn't fall out of the tree and get eaten by a passing bear. The missionary position is a firm favourite amongst the clergy. It enables the couple to have eye contact and so is also a favourite position of people who suffer from paranoia. As an added bonus it enables the woman to experience that added pleasure of having a good laugh at the stupid face the man makes at the point of orgasm. It also enables the lady to identify him in the line up if he leaves without paying. The position known as, doggy-doggy, originally was initiated by the woman, because it enabled her to escape from the onslaught of bad breath after her man had eaten something furry he found outside the cave that morning. As for the man, it gives him a relatively steady platform upon which he can do the crossword, or in the case of an extra large lover, play pool. Our final topic is oral sex for the male of the species. This was invented in the eighteenth century by a Lady Hamilton who was, amongst other things, the mistress of Fellatio Nelson. There you are. I hope this clears up the mystery of sex for you. From a cyber friend of MrsG
Finnegan Posted 22 November 2006 Posted 22 November 2006 The female orgasm was once a myth. Now we know it exists, men are honour bound to try and oblige the lady with at least twelve before he passes out. A friend of mine, when I was younger, attempted this feat seven times in the course of an hour with no success. He found his orgasm, but that wasn't the point. He was working on the assumption that the young lady had one in her some place and all she had to do was keep banging away until it came to the door; unfortunately, it thought he was a Jehovah s Witness and hid behind the couch until he had left. She ended up walking like John Wayne for a couple of days and he was so dehydrated, he looked like Tutankhamen's older, drier brother. AAAAAAAAAHAHAHA! :D That's brilliant. I genuinely rorared.
lookwhaticando Posted 22 November 2006 Posted 22 November 2006 Quality find. Hats off to Mrs G's friend.
lookwhaticando Posted 23 November 2006 Posted 23 November 2006 What a bizzare font What, Times New Roman? Default font for a lot of programs like MS Word.
Katy Posted 23 November 2006 Posted 23 November 2006 What, Times New Roman? Default font for a lot of programs like MS Word. Soz, I meant unusual in keeping with an FT type font.
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