Bilo

Very, very boring day at work today. Precious little to report except my pleasure at locking up and coming home.

The Real Madrid president is invited to the Miss World competition. He's sitting quietly when Miss Brazil comes over and says, 'I'm a big fan of Real Madrid, please sign my right breast!' He duly obliges, feeling mighty pleased with himself. A few minutes later, Miss Argentina comes over saying, 'I love Real! Please sign my left breast, it would be a great honour!' He doesn't need to be told twice and eagerly scrawls his name on her breast with marker pen. Watching all this, and becoming increasingly jealous, is Miss Portugal. She decides to trump Brazil and Argentina by walking over, looking him straight in the eye and dropping her knickers. 'Please sign this!' she begs, pointing to her nether regions. He looks at her in absolute disgust and says, 'Get out of my sight! Don't you know the last time I signed a Portuguese twat it cost me £80 million!'

This.

Yep, agree with that. Absolutely despicable if she's found guilty but she hasn't even been tried yet for fook's sake.

So Real Madrid have spent £80m on Christiano Ronaldo. That's insane; I spent £30 on some c**t in Amsterdam and I thought that was steep.

If it's true, she can rot for ever and a day.

Shall we create an 'Exterminate Nick Griffin' rollcall just to piss Alex (and possibly BlabyFox) off? 1. Lisa 2. lou 3. Bilo

Congrats Kareem, genuinely delighted for you mate.

Anyone use the roulette machines in betting shops? They are the bane of my fooking life, you get people playing on the damned things for hours on end and you almost have to get out the cattleprod when you wish to close the shop after a 12 hour shift. If I ever catch the bastard who invented them, I will rip out his eyes, urinate in the sockets and feed his eyeballs to the nearest stray dog.

Butch and Jack are two dogs in the waiting room of a vets. Butch says to Jack 'What are you in for then?' Jack replies, 'I mauled the postman last week so I'm going to put to sleep. What are you in for?' 'Last week, I saw my owner bending over the bath naked washing her hair, I was feeling a bit horny so I snuck up to her and rogered her doggy style.' explains Butch. 'Jesus,' says Jack, 'No wonder you're being put down.' 'I'm not,' says Butch, 'I'm here to have my nails clipped.'

I know that the wall-to-wall coverage of Big Brother over the next few weeks is really going to grind my gears. I don't care what such-and-such has done in their tawdry past, or what they are going to do after they leave the house or with whom. It's a load of crap full of talentless, fame hungry airheads who will be nothing be fodder for the likes of Heat. Can't stand anything about the programme but unlike most other shit programmes, I won't be able to ignore it will I? Pack of twunts.

What are the three most important things when a Girls Aloud music video is on the TV? Your hand, some tissues and the mute button

So Susan Boyle admits she is a virgin. Well, I guess Scotland's drinking problems aren't as bad as we thought.

Harry Enfield & Chums. Classic stuff.

Vile scum the lot of them. Sincerely hope they get theirs in prison, and I'm sure they'll be plenty more than happy to oblige inside. It's going to be a long, hard sentence for all three of them and I hope they spend every waking hour of it fearing for their safety.

What about people who take forever at cash points? They decide to check both of their accounts twice, getting a statement for each, then draw out the money from their current account, check the balance of their current account and then change their number. Then they get an almighty torrent of abuse from me.

They get on my tits more than anybody else. The worst is when you meet them and discover that they do actually possess a brain, they just choose to write like a fucking idiot. What does that status even say for fuck's sake?!

Revision. That pretty much sums it up.

Found out today that I won't be getting two essays back that I handed in before Easter until June. It's all because of moderation, but I would quite like an idea of how I've done in those essays before returning home for the summer. Majorly peeved about that. Especially considering the essays I did in my other two modules will be returned this week. If I've done badly, there will be lots of swearing on this forum come Wednesday.

Entirely up to you. Make it hurt.

It was funny in a cultish (yes, that is what I meant) way for a while, but is now extremely tedious. If I hear anybody say 'simples' followed by a squeak, I'll iron their bollocks.

Well that's just awesome.

Thick and rude people grind my gears and I've encountered both today. Seriously, why don't some people bother to teach their offspring some freaking manners?!

The very epitome of so bad it's good.

Feel weirdly lethargic all the time and have been like it since Sunday. Coffee helps but come 11 o clock, I'm knackered anyway. Hope I'm not coming down with something, last thing I need in the midst of revision and exams.