Bilo

Bloke walks home absolutely bladdered from the pub with a duck under his arm. His wife is standing at the door with a face like thunder and the bloke says, 'This is the pig I've been shagging.' The wife says, 'You drunken idiot! That's not a pig, it's a duck.' The bloke replies 'I wasn't talking to you.'

Man pulls wife into the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. 'Now darling, do a handstand against the full lenth mirror on the wall.' 'Hmmm,' she thinks. 'Kinky, I like it....' She does the handstand and her husband pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her snatch. 'The boys down the pub were right' He says, 'A goatie would suit me.'

I want to be that man. If the don't teach that in the PGCE course, there may be tears.

Dev's girlfriend from Corrie. Am I the only one?

I've just had a tin of Dynamite Hot chilli from Stagg. My stomach now feels as though it has central heating and I fully expect my ringpiece to resemble a Catherine Wheel tomorrow morning.

Busy day, preparing for stag night on Saturday through the purchase of amusingly decorated polo shirts. I'll be buying the stag's outfit tomorrow. He will be pleased when he sees it.......

If the grass is on the pitch.......

I could say something about ensuring her mouth is full, but I don't particularly fancy arrest.

Is it wrong to say Miley Cyrus is quite hot when I'm 24?

A farmer has three daughters. They all want to go out with their beaus on Saturday night but the farmer insists that he meets the suiters first. The first one arrives and knocks on the door and says, "Hallo, my name's Joe, I've come to take Flo to the show, can she go?" The farmer thinks he looks a likeable lad and insists Joe has her home by midnight. The next knock of the door brings, "Hi, my name is Hans, I come to take Nance to the dance any chance?" The farmer thinks he's a smart lad so lets her go insisting Hans has her home by midnight. At the next knock of the door the young man says, "Hello, my name's Tucker" The farmer says "Fook off".

Well, it's that day again when the English suddenly get patriotic and show their hatred for immigrants.

What's the worst thing about being a Leeds fan?

In the same league as anything the Pythons ever did in the 1970s. And that is one big shout. One off the funniest films I've ever seen in my life.

True enough, no-one would suggest we have it as bad as all those countries but civil liberties have taken a hammering since '97 (since the start of The War on Terror in particular), and this doc exposes that brilliantly.

On the subject of political films, this one (though more of a documentary) is absolutely brilliant. One of the most thought provoking documentaries I've ever watched, if a little depressing.

Brilliant film, fantastic acting from Pete Postlethwaite in particular. Am I right in assuming it was based in part on actual events? Could be wrong.

I'm going retro.

They are, by a mile, the most irritating drivers on the road. I'm going to leave it at it otherwise I'll go into a long, long rant.

Cold pizza at parties is truly the food of Satan.

People. It's all about the vol au vents. I spit at your pineapple on a stick! I laugh in the face of your sausage! EDIT: (That sounds wrong)

Just bear me in mind around the time of the awards and all is good.

Pokerface? Yes I would. Among other things.

Mine is classier yet somehow more likely to offend. I already have 'Jesus loves you. (Everyone else thinks you're a twat)' but I've put on weight since and it doesn't fit me anymore.

They drive me absolutely mental. I regret to inform that I have had to be rude to them on more than one occasion to get them to leave me alone, but that's the only choice they leave you at times. I have been seriously considering buying this beauty for walks into town to avoid such encounters in the first place.