Phube

Lots of good one liners!! This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent." My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal." Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?" I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultan t asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I think the point is, would she be getting all this media attention is she was Frogmella, daughter of Wayne and Waynetta Slobb? I seriously doubt it!

You see this is why grammar matters. I'm sure you meant to say a pretty, middle class toddler! But you just said she was a pretty middle calss toddler! Like a pretty average footballer!! Will people ever learn???

I checked my back garden but she wasn't there... Have I done 'my bit'??

Quite!

I'm not gonna comment specifically, but I believe the situation is like the new(ish) car crime adverts. They almost make out it's your fault if your car gets broken into, but at the same time anyone stupid enough to leave a briefcase/leather jacket in their car in plain view, can't really complain when they get nicked!! Obviously it's the thieving scumbag's fault it was nicked, but as we know these scum are out there there is a way to minimise risks. Also the same with women walking around at 2am on their own, they're not at fault... but it's not particularly sensible though is it. That's my two pennies worth.

Women Drivers!!! Ha!!

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Okay here's a music/PC question: How do I convert my iTunes music into MP3. All mine seems to be in MPEG (or something...)?? I don't get it...

Nah, I'm on Sky Broadband!!

You computer people are funny!! I must be a complete anathema to you geeky computer types: Windows, Internet Explorer, thinks about buying from Mesh, MS Office, Norton Anti-Virus!! No it's alright, I'm not a monster, you can get up from behind the sofa I won't hurt you!

I find Dell are sooo expensive for mid-range (i.e. £800-£1200) pc's. I can get one from Mesh for £1050, the same spec on Dell costs well over £1400...

20 Mins in The Fellowship. 30 in the Two Towers. 42 in the Return of the king!!!

"Yup, three ring to rule them all!!!" And 2 mount Dooms!!! Gandalf and Gandolf!!

Dodgy, receding Afro and pencil moustache?? Oh dear!! :pinch:

Fantastic... Harry Redknapp's just wins it!!

Saw III.... Fantastic!!!

Me too. I tried to watch Duck Soup, during Film 4's Marx season. This film is ALWAYS in critics top comedies choices... After one hour I still hadn't raised a smile... I just don't think I'll ever understand!!

Everbody on here SHOULD watch Marabunta... on Sky Movies at the mo'... It's a film about vicious, killer ants in Alaska!!! It's a great film on sooo many levels!!! All wrong!!

Digital Fortress is slightly more realistic, so is Deception Point - but not as good in terms of entertainment!! Currently reading the Narnia Chronicles (as I never read them in my childhood) I'm a bit of af film book person!!

Goodbye to that £2 then!!! 0 out of 4 Hmmmm Could do better...

:laugh: :laugh: TBH I've been on this forum now for a couple of months and always ignored this thread, believing it to be an exciting thread about Indian football scouts. Curiosity got the better of me when it reached it 9th page!! Fantastic never knew LCFC had so many funny supporters!!!