Raj

>After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was >enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't >strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him >that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor >told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the >problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, >get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. >The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in >theworld, >but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is >going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So >the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the >can up to >his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, >placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on >his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of >Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

Little five year old Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, you got me in trouble, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." Tripod?" Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted

Geo....you quoted "I used to bet on everything with little research and thats the type of punters that the bookies know feed money into there system." I AM THAT MAN!!! Bloody William Hill!

Get in There Geo....Spawny Git!!!

WELL DONE PAL!

Had a £2 double on Bolton/Everton + Fulham/Spurs draws---Everton scored in 90th minute,other game WAS a draw £2 double on Sheff W/Bristol c + Bristol Rov/forest---Bristol city won 1-0,other game WAS a draw £2 double on Macclesfield/Darlington+ Shrewsbury/Grimsby---Shrews won 2-1,other game WAS a draw :cry:

I bet.......i win fcuk all AGAIN this weekend!!! Dont know why i bother giving Mr.W Hill my £6 every weekend! I suppose Geo will be betting a measly £400 again!!!! Good luck to all gamblers this weekend!!!

And Last!!!

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index.ph...a9cecf376a3ad26

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index.ph...83ddcf14de78857 Sorry in advance!!!

You know who to ask now if you need to get there eh Geo????

Should have used East Midlands,Nottingham Derby Leicester,EMA,Nottingham Airport....or whatever the fcuk its called nowaday!!!

Thank Fcuk for the translation!!!

BOOM BOOM!!!!

An Oirish Story. An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears. "This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Good luck buddy! I lost £6 on 3 lots of £2 draw accumulators!! I spend BIG money i do!!!

That makes my fiver a week....well......not worth bothering about!!!! Hope you make some money buddy!

Huh.....my hourly rate!!!!!

Bloomin ell Geo,is that how much you put on,ona weekly basis????

I normally go for a 2 draw accumulator for about 20/1...dont win very often mind you Any tips will be handy

Cheers pal! Hope he's a good one! A few years ago i used to train at Saffron Lane Gym. In the changing rooms i met the LCC Coach,i cant remember his nae but he was an oldish guy and a complete gentleman. He had the then captain with him,think his name was Whittaker??? I told them if they got an INdian at LCC they would double the attendance. He said to me that the previous season they almost got Tendulkar!!! Imagine that..Sachin Tendulkar in his prime at Leicester!!!

One of my mates told me that LCC have aquired another indian player who won the Cricket Idol competietion. He said it was in todays Mercury! I aint got the Mercury and im not sure if he's taking the piss or something!! Is it true???

Thats just being plain ginger-ist..