Guest Daniel Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 Hahaha! Short and sweet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not too much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her, and guaranteed it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked it it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well-behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone was quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Everyone turned around to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarassment. All the next week she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church services. The parrot understood so next Sunday she put him on her shoulder and went to church. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Again the woman ran out of the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution to her,,,,"If the parrot does that again, grab him by both legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times, then return him to your shoulder". "That'll work?", asked the woman. "Guaranteed!", exclaimed the owner. So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and. sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!". Without hesistation, the woman grabbed his legs and swung him around half a dozen times and returned him to her shoulder. A second later the parrot shook his head and said, "It's pretty ****' windy, too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oli Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!†The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!†The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.†“So,†the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?†“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!! The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oli Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on. In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing. The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.†“OK, so what are you doing?†asked the officer. “What does it look like?†John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.†Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?†John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.†“And how old are you?†the officer asked John. “I’m 25,†John replied. “And how old is she?†asked the officer. John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, "Based upon the facts before me, I've decided to give your wife $750 per month." The husband smiles and says, "That's great. Heck, I'll even throw in a few bucks myself." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 there from www.amazingjokes.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied. "Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??" "No...it's turned black." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 Guy is in a bar and strikes up a conversation with a dumb blond. "I'm curious, do you smoke after making love?" he asks. She replies, "I dunno.....I've never looked" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were to big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital. As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and theirs daughters date said he could get it out for him. The daughters date put his two fingers in her fathers nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut fell out. The daughter and her date went up stairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was in coming up with that idea. The man's wife asked, "I wonder what he's going to be when he grows up." The man says, "From the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oli Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 Love it. Brilliant that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said "6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I begged for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 Hello, Help! "Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!" "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 Most Wanted "It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 thats all i have for now time for more beer cya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Fan Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 There was a drugs raid at Newcastle United, with 6 Newcastle players being involved in the scandal. Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed (Yeah I know Cort and Speed have gone but so what!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 26 July 2004 Share Posted 26 July 2004 , thats amazing! :: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhermon Posted 27 July 2004 Share Posted 27 July 2004 There was a drugs raid at Newcastle United, with 6 Newcastle players being involved in the scandal.Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed (Yeah I know Cort and Speed have gone but so what!) now that is clever :w00t: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oli Posted 27 July 2004 Share Posted 27 July 2004 Dont get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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