Ash Posted 6 February 2005 Share Posted 6 February 2005 i hear clive woodward is to be the next manchester united manager! his going to help wayne rooney with his hookers! 19778[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Collymore Posted 8 February 2005 Share Posted 8 February 2005 Whats black and screams?Stevie Wonder answering the iron Have you seen Stevie Wonders wife? Cause he hasnt 63729[/snapback] Stevie Wonder was given a cheese graiter for his birthday.....It was the most violent read ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Collymore Posted 8 February 2005 Share Posted 8 February 2005 One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Collymore Posted 8 February 2005 Share Posted 8 February 2005 A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durnerz Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 A plane is in descent,moments from impact, the passengers are terrified a woman stand up at the front and rips open her shirt "BEFORE I DIE, I WANT TO BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, WHO WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?" so a bloke takes his shirt off chucks it at her and says "Iron that,love" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 A plane is in descent,moments from impact, the passengers are terrified a woman stand up at the front and rips open her shirt "BEFORE I DIE, I WANT TO BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, WHO WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?" so a bloke takes his shirt off chucks it at her and says "Iron that,love" 64738[/snapback] Love it :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 A plane is in descent,moments from impact, the passengers are terrified a woman stand up at the front and rips open her shirt "BEFORE I DIE, I WANT TO BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN, WHO WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?" so a bloke takes his shirt off chucks it at her and says "Iron that,love" 64738[/snapback] Love it :thumbsup: 64827[/snapback] Quality joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toonboy Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 Michael Jackson comes home and sees his wife is packing her bags and leaving. 'why are you leaving me?' he asks 'i have heard you're a peadophile' she replies a shocked Jackson replies 'thats a big word for a twelve year old' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 Michael Jackson comes home and sees his wife is packing her bags and leaving. 'why are you leaving me?' he asks 'i have heard you're a peadophile' she replies a shocked Jackson replies 'thats a big word for a twelve year old' 64857[/snapback] :thumbsup: :laugh: Brilliant mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 What's the difference between Acne and Michael Jackson ? Acne don't come on your face till you're atleast 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toonboy Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 What's the difference between Acne and Michael Jackson ?Acne don't come on your face till you're atleast 13 64862[/snapback] aaahhhh thats a really bad mental image Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? Ones made out of plastic and dangerous to little children and the others to carry your shopping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toonboy Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?Ones made out of plastic and dangerous to little children and the others to carry your shopping. 64871[/snapback] nice 1 George Bush goes into a classroom where the children are learning about words and their meanings. So Bush asks the children if they know the meaning of the word tragedy. One child raises their hand and says 'if my friend got knocked over by a car that would be a tragedy' George Bush shakes his head and says 'no, no that would be an accident, child.' Another child raises their hand and says ' if a bus full of children fell off a cliff then that would be a tragedy' Again Bush shook his head and replied 'no dear, that would be a great loss.' After a short pause a boy sheepishly raised his hand and said 'If you were in Airforce 1 and terrorists shot it down that would be a tragedy.' 'Yes!' replied Bush, 'now can you tell everyone why that would be a tragedy' 'Because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Posted 9 February 2005 Share Posted 9 February 2005 A couple are in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.†I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife.†He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durnerz Posted 10 February 2005 Share Posted 10 February 2005 Three men are Marooned on an island and are captured by cannibals. The Chief Cannibal says to them "Go around the island and collect fruit" so the men go off in search of the fruits. After a while the first man comes back holding apples. The Chief then instructs the man to put each all the apples up his arse one by one without making an expression on his face or he will be killed and eaten if he can however, he will be freed. The poor bloke cant even do one without crying and gets killed for it. The second comes back with small berries and is told the same, the guy has one berry left to go when he bursts out laughing, the man is then killed. The two guys meet in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy "Why did you laugh? you could have got away with it" the second bloke then replies "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shen Posted 10 February 2005 Share Posted 10 February 2005 Three men are Marooned on an island and are captured by cannibals. The Chief Cannibal says to them "Go around the island and collect fruit" so the men go off in search of the fruits. After a while the first man comes back holding apples. The Chief then instructs the man to put each all the apples up his arse one by one without making an expression on his face or he will be killed and eaten if he can however, he will be freed. The poor bloke cant even do one without crying and gets killed for it. The second comes back with small berries and is told the same, the guy has one berry left to go when he bursts out laughing, the man is then killed. The two guys meet in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy "Why did you laugh? you could have got away with it" the second bloke then replies "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!" 65143[/snapback] I knew this one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 A blonde ordered a pizzaand the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." 66358[/snapback] haha, quality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 Jacko's stuck in his hotel before his trial. He sends his bodyguard out for a DVD. Shall I get Aladdin? Says the bodyguard. #### OFF! I'm in enough trouble already! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 Jacko's stuck in his hotel before his trial. He sends his bodyguard out for a DVD. Shall I get Aladdin? Says the bodyguard. #### OFF! I'm in enough trouble already! 66361[/snapback] That's brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muz Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 Qualtiy wellman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stez Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!" bye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?"I've got a crutch on you!" bye 66589[/snapback] And never come back... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 14 February 2005 Share Posted 14 February 2005 What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?"I've got a crutch on you!"  bye 66589[/snapback] And never come back... 66615[/snapback] Laughing at why you put that on here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shen Posted 20 February 2005 Share Posted 20 February 2005 "I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. " -- Emo Phillips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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