City Fan Posted 20 February 2005 Share Posted 20 February 2005 Not funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davieG Posted 20 February 2005 Share Posted 20 February 2005 "I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. " -- Emo Phillips 68883[/snapback] Very Funny and very true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 21 February 2005 Share Posted 21 February 2005 A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shen Posted 21 February 2005 Share Posted 21 February 2005 A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too." 69371[/snapback] A bit too clever for a blonde.. nice one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 21 February 2005 Share Posted 21 February 2005 I've got this clever new car radio. It's voice activated. When I want dance music I say 'dance' and it plays dance music. When I want rock music I say 'rock' and it plays rock music. The other day a bunch of kids ran in front of my car as I was driving along. "****ing Kids," I shouted, and Michael Jackson came on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shen Posted 21 February 2005 Share Posted 21 February 2005 Not funny 69095[/snapback] I guess you have to like black humour to like any of Emo Phillips' stuff... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shen Posted 21 February 2005 Share Posted 21 February 2005 like it or not, here are a few Emo Phillips quotes.. : ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillips I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillips I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shen Posted 22 February 2005 Share Posted 22 February 2005 A couple of "..You might be a redneck" jokes : If the biggest city you ever been to is Walmart, you might be a redneck. If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table, you might be a redneck. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does one-hundred thousand dollars worth of improvement, you might be a redneck. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher, you might be a redneck. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hanging?", you might be a redneck. If you've missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck. If you think 'fast food' is hitting a dear at 65 mph, you might be a redneck. If somebody tells you you have something between your teeth and you take them out to see what it is, you might be a redneck. If you've ever stared at a box of orange juice because it said 'concentrate', you might be a redneck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 23 February 2005 Share Posted 23 February 2005 Some blonde jokes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do a blonde and your computer have in common? You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Windows!..... A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?" She replies "15 inches." He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains." The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you change a blonde's mind? Buy her another beer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do blonde brain cells die ? Alone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you brainwash a blonde? Give her a douche and shake her upside down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What will she ask you? "Is it mine?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How does a blonde hold her liquor? By the ears. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How does a blonde moonwalk? She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt'n peckers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why don't blondes like anal sex? They don't like their brains being screwed with. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is a blonde like peanut-butter? They spread for the bread. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you turn 2 blondes upside-down? Two brunettes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? She realized she gave her last blowjob. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? a foursome. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you give the blonde that has everything? Penicillin. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? It's too hard to re-train them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? They have to pull their own pants down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm *sooo* drunk!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the mating call of the redhead? "Next!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ?? She thought it was pregnant because missed a period. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest? She heard that it reduces cavities. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex? She wanted to have her cock and eat it too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bert Posted 23 February 2005 Share Posted 23 February 2005 There's Cockerel and a cat in a field but the field that they're in is a field of dead mouldy corn. But there's another field next to it full of good ripe corn, but the only problem is there's a big river in between the two fields seperating them. So still stuck in this "bad field" the cat suggests to the cockerel that they shud try and get into the "good" field by jumping over the river, the cockerel agrees and says "ok then i'll go 1st" so the cockerel flys over and eases into the "good" field of the corn! So knowing that the cockerel has made it, the cat decides that it's his turn and takes a big long run up towards the river... jumps but lands in the middle of the river.... and the moral of the story is "wherever there's a satisfied cock.. there's always a wet pussy!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarby Posted 23 February 2005 Share Posted 23 February 2005 There's Cockerel and a cat in a field but the field that they're in is a field of dead mouldy corn. But there's another field next to it full of good ripe corn, but the only problem is there's a big river in between the two fields seperating them. So still stuck in this "bad field" the cat suggests to the cockerel that they shud try and get into the "good" field by jumping over the river, the cockerel agrees and says "ok then i'll go 1st" so the cockerel flys over and eases into the "good" field of the corn! So knowing that the cockerel has made it, the cat decides that it's his turn and takes a big long run up towards the river... jumps but lands in the middle of the river.... and the moral of the story is "wherever there's a satisfied cock.. there's always a wet pussy!" 70494[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MADLEVEIN Posted 25 February 2005 Share Posted 25 February 2005 a bloke walks into the doctors complaining he's not very well, the doc tells him to go home and cover himself in margarine and come back the next day, the man does as he says and comes back the next day looking a bit greasy, well says the doc how are you feeling, exactly the same replies the man i cant believe im not better. i just ate twelve yoghurts i fell mullered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxesfan69 Posted 25 February 2005 Share Posted 25 February 2005 good 'un Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 3 March 2005 Share Posted 3 March 2005 Michael Jackson has sacked his Chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdict. Mr Poke Um Yung feels Michael is over reacting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Posted 3 March 2005 Share Posted 3 March 2005 Michael Jackson has sacked his Chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdict. Mr Poke Um Yung feels Michael is over reacting. 73896[/snapback] Shocking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 3 March 2005 Share Posted 3 March 2005 Michael Jackson has sacked his Chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdict. Mr Poke Um Yung feels Michael is over reacting. 73896[/snapback] Shocking 73913[/snapback] funny though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Burger Posted 4 March 2005 Share Posted 4 March 2005 What do you call a Constipated Chinese man? Won Long Poo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 4 March 2005 Share Posted 4 March 2005 What do you call a Constipated Chinese man?Won Long Poo 74087[/snapback] Not too bad... Adam was sitting in the Garden of Eden one day, feeling very lonely. He looked around at all of God's creatures, and they all had something he didn't.....a partner to share their time. So the next time God visits Adam, he explains his lonliness and asks God for someone to spend his time with. He says to God 'I want the perfect partner, can you do this for me please'? God says 'The perfect partner, eh? Well I can certainty get you a perfect partner, but it will cost you an arm and a leg' Adam muses for a while before replying, 'OK well, what can I get for a rib instead'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 4 March 2005 Share Posted 4 March 2005 Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's a particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into the toilet, and pulls the lever. The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Daniel Posted 10 March 2005 Share Posted 10 March 2005 Becks and Posh have invited Jacko for a holiday on there new boat. "Sure" says Jacko, "Id love to come on your little Cruz"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexikokopops Posted 10 March 2005 Share Posted 10 March 2005 Becks and Posh have invited Jacko for a holiday on there new boat."Sure" says Jacko, "Id love to come on your little Cruz"! 76852[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anish Posted 10 March 2005 Share Posted 10 March 2005 Becks and Posh have invited Jacko for a holiday on there new boat."Sure" says Jacko, "Id love to come on your little Cruz"! 76852[/snapback] Quality! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MADLEVEIN Posted 10 March 2005 Share Posted 10 March 2005 `What's Michaels' next movie? ~Honey I Blew the Kids. `What's Michaels' favorite group? ~New Kids on the Cock. `What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme? ~"Little Boy Blew." `What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants? ~Michael Jackson's makeup. Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: Get out of my sun!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexikokopops Posted 10 March 2005 Share Posted 10 March 2005 Did you hear Michael Jackson tried to commit suicide today? The police found him bobbing up and down on a buoy/boy!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted 11 March 2005 Share Posted 11 March 2005 Yesterday my friend came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went Fishing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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