cambridgefox Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 Salieri mentioned these in the cooking thread i think it deserves its own thread. Single guys.convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside shops with full plastic bags and keep glancing in the shop tutting every 5 mins.
Saxondale Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Saxondale Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 SAVE a fortune on laundry bills by giving your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50p.
jonlcfc1990 Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 Single men- for your Girlfriend experience in the shopping world start your shopping trip in shop (A) Walk around it slowly for around 1 hour then walk out and proceed to shops (B) © (D) (E) (F) Only to go back to shop (A) to buy one F**KING ITEM!
cambridgefox Posted 2 February 2012 Author Posted 2 February 2012 Two empty pistachio nut shells hit together give the impression of a very small horse approaching.
Jimothy Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 ENJOY the benefits of a jog round the block with none of the inconvenience, by doing it on Google Street view.
Zingari Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 i was thinking of doing the same thread my all time favourite An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
I am Rod Hull Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers. Employers: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Jimothy Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 FRED GOODWIN. Earn even more cash with a sponsorship deal to replace the "Sir" with "Bet". Works brilliantly with your surname too.
Guest MattP Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 I actually got one of these published. Skint people: Convince people you are going on a fancy foriegn holiday by standing outside Travelex typing frantically into a calculator.
Bluefoxtim Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 I actually got one of these published. Skint people: Convince people you are going on a fancy foriegn holiday by standing outside Travelex typing frantically into a calculator. So which one did you get published?
Salieri Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Hadn't heard that on before! HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
Guest MattP Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 So which one did you get published? Loads! We used to send shitloads in at work a few years ago, couldnt even remember a lot of them. Deal or No Deal Producers: Save money on packaging by using simple envelopes to reveal the cash amounts, rather than using a whole box of which only the underside of the lid is used. Park keepers. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.
I am Rod Hull Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
Saxondale Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. SHOE BOMBERS: Increase your payload by becoming a clown. CINEMA BUILDERS: Don't bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row. MOTORISTS: Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Guest MattP Posted 2 February 2012 Posted 2 February 2012 RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. lol
cambridgefox Posted 3 February 2012 Author Posted 3 February 2012 Stop birds from nesting in your garden by collecting all the moss and twigs in the area and hiding them in your shed. Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking the direction the traffic is coming. when crossing a one way street look both ways to avoid being hit by a reversing lorry. Put off burglars by wearing a police uniform and standing on your porch day and night
Zingari Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 Stop birds from nesting in your garden by collecting all the moss and twigs in the area and hiding them in your shed. Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking the direction the traffic is coming. when crossing a one way street look both ways to avoid being hit by a reversing lorry. Put off burglars by wearing a police uniform and standing on your porch day and night i like that one but it works better when there is a delay in the posting of the 2 tips and usually the second part would come from someone in a hospital bed such as Save time when crossing a one way street by only looking the direction the traffic is coming. John , Southampton then a few posts later When crossing a one way street look both ways to avoid being hit by a big green removals lorry reversing Herbert , c/o leicester royal infirmary accident and emergency ward
I am Rod Hull Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Zingari Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 don't buy expensive contact/address books , just get a phone directory and cross out the names of the people you don't know .
BrummieFOX Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 I actually got one of these published. Skint people: Convince people you are going on a fancy foriegn holiday by standing outside Travelex typing frantically into a calculator. Ha, nice. I got one published too and actually won a comp they were running for most ReTweets that month. I won a novel by an author that was sponsoring the Twitter Account. Was along the lines of: "MATTHEW UPSON avoid the need for long motivational talks with your kids by naming your son, 'Chin'." Edit: I say published, I mean Re-Tweeted by the official Top Tips account.
Zingari Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before going past a funfair to make them think you have stolen one of their dodgems
I am Rod Hull Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before going past a funfair to make them think you have stolen one of their dodgems Love that one.. ____________________ Make your own glitter this Christmas by wrapping grains of sugar in kitchen foil. Make neighbours think they've seen a snake by wriggling on their lawn in a rolled-up carpet with a fork hanging from your mouth, making hissing noises. Toblerone bars make ideal toast racks for Ritz crackers.
Zingari Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 ANGLERS: Fancy a change from sitting on cold wet riverbanks ? Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
I am Rod Hull Posted 3 February 2012 Posted 3 February 2012 Fool your friends into thinking you`ve gone on holiday to Australia by ringing them up at 3am every morning for a fortnight . (bad attempt to make one up myself)
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