Alexikokopops Posted 28 June 2006 Posted 28 June 2006 Do you do at least all of the below? Then you're a Real Man 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in then past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT ?00 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" 24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo. This is not sexist, it just recognises the essential differences between man and woman.
billabob Posted 28 June 2006 Posted 28 June 2006 ' date='Jun 28 2006, 10:43 PM' post='342527']Do you do at least all of the below? Then you're a Real Man 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in then past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT ?00 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" 24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo. This is not sexist, it just recognises the essential differences between man and woman. i do most of them but to fair im only 18 so still learning the rope's off of my old man!
Tommy Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 I laugh out loud during many a point in that. I do 2,6,12,16,19
Daggers Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 ' date='Jun 28 2006, 10:43 PM' post='342527']Do you do at least all of the below? Then you're a Real Man No
The People's Hero Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Using power tools is brilliant. Builders get to use them AND to ogle women, it's expected for them to make a sexist comment! OLE!
Katy Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Number 10 made me laugh, I often see old skinheads with tats doing that - it makes me piss!
davieG Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Number 10 made me laugh, I often see old skinheads with tats doing that - it makes me piss! I nod at policemen and you could say I'm a skinhead but I haven't got any tattoos. You didn't indicate that you wanted one to take out with you, here's a more practical version, it doesn't have the craftsmanship of the wooden one but hey it 's on wheels, nearly as good as swivelling.
Katy Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 I nod at policemen and you could say I'm a skinhead but I haven't got any tattoos. You didn't indicate that you wanted one to take out with you, here's a more practical version, it doesn't have the craftsmanship of the wooden one but hey it 's on wheels, nearly as good as swivelling. Are you on commission DG?
Daggers Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 I nod at policemen I look at my feet and shuffle about like a 10 year old covering up the truth of a bad day at school. Police people scare me
Daggers Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 ...and where is Doing the Shopping or Hanging Out the Washing or Wiping Arses or Cooking the Dinner? I'm begining to think I am Anti-Real Man
davieG Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Are you on commission DG? I am but I get bog paper in lieu of cash
macbeth Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 if i have to choose then; i am not a real man i am a barca man ; i prefer the colour of the shirt
lcfc till i die Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Well im a girl, but i would be nice if a man did all that!
Master Fox Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Well im a girl, but i would be nice if a man did all that! You can be a tom boy?
Daggers Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 if i have to choose then; i am not a real man i am a barca man ; i prefer the colour of the shirt *drum roll* *cymbal clash*
Knighton Matt Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 I do a worrying amount of those. Winking being the biggest. I love winking.
The People's Hero Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 Me too! There's nothing like a good wink after a hard day at the office.
Nationwider Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 How badly do I need a thin bit of wood to stir paint?
Daggers Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 I love winking. My mate swears he was having a wink and didn't notice his mum come in and leave him a cup of tea
macbeth Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 My mate swears he was having a wink and didn't notice his mum come in and leave him a cup of tea she should have said " you can put your own milk in lad "
Alexikokopops Posted 29 June 2006 Author Posted 29 June 2006 How badly do I need a thin bit of wood to stir paint? Was clearing out the house today because I'm moving out tomorrow and found a bit of wood which I have solely fopr stirring. Last used to stir wallpaper paste. That wasn't used to stick wallpaper up, oh no, it was used to make Star Wars helmets. I am so awesome.
Tommy Posted 29 June 2006 Posted 29 June 2006 My mate swears he was having a wink and didn't notice his mum come in and leave him a cup of tea Your mate has been watching Gervais live..
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.