Fez of Mahrez Posted 2 December 2006 Posted 2 December 2006 Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange? Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away? Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Is space hot? Bernard: Of course it is, where do you think we get pineapples from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: You can find work and sort your life out anytime. The pub closes in five hours. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [phone rings] Manny? Manny, phone. Manny. [sigh] Bernard: Oh, I'll get it, shall I? [picks up] Bernard: Hello? Manny: [on phone] Bernard? Bernard: Manny. Where are you? The phone's been ringing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon... Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: You said he had a funny smell. Bernard: He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: Oh, would you just look at these breasts... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: He's a midget. A tiny midget. Manny: What if he overheard? Bernard: He won't. His ears are too small. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard? Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Who are you? First Customer: I'm a customer. Bernard: Oh, right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: There's a girl. Bernard: A what? You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people. Who is she? Manny: Roweena, a friend of Anne's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again. Bernard: Oh, I see. [Mockingly] Bernard: Roweena! Roweeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart? Manny: Why are you getting so angry? Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your bearded freak circus, what's she like? Manny: She's nice. Bernard: She's nice, she- dont make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants? Manny: I don't know. All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me. Bernard: [Later] Well, we're going to this party because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand! [collects some onto his finger] Bernard: Manny! [sprinkles it into manny's mouth] Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery. Bernard: [to customer] Get out! [shoves his book back into his hands] Customer: Damn! [leaves] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [to Manny] Right. We are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture the sort of girl who would be interested in you, and all I can see is you. In a dress. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Manny reads "The Elephant and the Balloon", the children's book he and Bernard have spent all night writing] Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth. It's not there either. Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: I am a giant ear, waiting for your songs of niceness. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [On a girl Manny is interested in] Bernard: Who is she then, this so-called person? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: Can't you just call her up and say 'I really enjoyed talking to you last night and I'd like to see you again'? Manny: [giggling nervously] Don't be stupid! I don't want her to think I'm gay! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evan: I took a risk when I hired you, Manny. Many people would have said 'Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evan: Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Bernard, it's hot in the worm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Beat it, flaps. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Landlord: Girls! Girls! Girls! You're both such lovely girls! Don't fight. And if you do, fight nice. With pillows. And jim-jams. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [On learning that his summer girlfriend doesn't fancy him] Bernard: No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [after Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"] Doctor: Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds. Manny: Oh my God! Doctor: No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows? Manny: Oh my God! Doctor: Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain... Manny: [interrupting] Oh my God! Oh, sorry. Doctor: ...during that time. Manny: Oh my God! [the Doctor's beeper goes] Doctor: Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says, [holding the X-Ray up to the light] Doctor: 'whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Fran's landlord is in his office, eating. Bernard walks in] Bernard: Not so fast. I represent Fran Katzenjammer from room 2. She's my client, and I'm a hotshot lawyer like you would've seen on... television. Landlord: So what's the problem, exactly? Bernard: My client's room is smaller. And as you know, it is illegal to sell space under the European Legislation act, which happens... in a court. Landlord: Her room's the same as it's always been. I can give you the measurements if you want? Bernard: Don't evade the question. Landlord: Eh? Bernard: Just answer the question! Landlord: What question? Bernard: Huh? Oh, right, sorry. Um... where were you when the rooms were measured? Landlord: Oh, I was... Bernard: Ahahahaha! Ah, so if that's the case, then where was the room? Landlord: 2B has always been there, you can see it for yourself. Bernard: You're damn right I will, before I send this whole building downtown to the boys in the lab. I'm confiscating these as evidence... [he picks up a packet of buns] Bernard: And I'm issuing you with a decree of sub... dew... dee. Subjudy! You are under legal subjudy to stay in that chair until such time as, erm... until Simon says stand up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Up with this I will not put! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: You've got yourself a case, you should get a lawyer. Manny: Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer. Bernard: Yeah, get someone who's a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard. [Manny and Fran stare at Bernard] Bernard: No, I'm not doing it. Fran: Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference! I'll lie, I'll say you were... okay. Bernard: Alright, deal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Will you stay with me? Bernard: No, I'm a boyfriend now. I have duties. Lots of sighing, holding hands, not finishing sentences properly... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Let's paaaaar... Bernard: Don't you dare use the word "party" as a verb in this shop! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Where's my cure? Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover. Bernard: It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to block out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life. Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it! Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl... Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [to Fran] You! What have you been telling Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. I have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff... she's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive willy puller. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [attempting to fill in his tax return form] Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do. [writing on the form] Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [describing his friends Gerald and Sarah] And she's an interior designer, she's on that show "Pet Surprise". Manny: Haven't heard of it. Bernard: You know, you know. They take the dog out for a walk, he thinks it's a normal walk and when he gets back the kennels got a patio and french doors! Manny: Ah yeah... Bernard: And he's like, "Oh my god!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [discussing what film to see at the cinema] Bernard: What's this? "'Blue Tunes' - Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Minnie Driver... Fran: Oh, I hate her. Bernard: ...Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second hand record shop with his half-wit mustachioed assistant Danny... [Manny tuts] Bernard: ...when this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fran: Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything... Bernard: Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations? Fran: No, none of them can do that. Bernard: Mine can. [bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it] Bernard: Shut up about your phone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted. Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [after Manny has ran away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities over the phone] Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him? Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evan: Yeah I'm young, people look at me and say there goes Evan he's a cool guy, he listens to the Stereophonics and rides a scooter - LETS SEE HOW FAR WE CAN PUSH HIM! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [Evan has come to get Manny] Get your own human plaything! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Bernard, I was wondering if you might have a word with Fran. Tell her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him. Bernard: Ssssh! [meowing is heard] Bernard: You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the nerve centre of his evil empire. A ground rent increase here, a tax dodge there? he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and dives back down to grooming his balls! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: Hanley! Hanley, come out you blood sucker! [the door opens] Solicitor: Miss Hanley is dead. Bernard: Eh? Solicitor: She died in the night. Bernard: I don't care... I mean, how awful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: He looks like a horse in a man costume! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moo-Pa: So, Bernard, the shop's still called "Black Books", is it? Bernard: Yeah. I was going to call it "World of Tights", but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Manny: Aww, no-one ever rings me these days. Bernard: Yes, it's a mystery isn't it. What with you owning your own sandals and having an egg in your beard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moo-Pa: Pardon me, boys, is that the Chatanooga Choo Choo... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roland: So, let me guess: Mice. No, wait... you've got cockroaches. Bernard: Yeah, we do, actually, but don't touch them, will you? It would upset the bat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evan: Manny, in two years you could have been deputy-junior-sub-assistant! But you're not! You're here, rolling around on the ground like the worm you are! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernard: [bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by] Mustn't stare, mustn't stare. Fran: You haven't stared at me... Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [bernard and Fran are spying on Manny who is now working for a rival bookstore] Bernard: Look at him! He's half Iago, Half Fu Manchu, all bastard! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roland: No I cant do it, I cant kill an innocent cat. Bernard: Why not it will be easy bada bing bada meow.
Louise Posted 2 December 2006 Posted 2 December 2006 Once again Fezzler, you have excellent comedy taste. Peep Show?
Fez of Mahrez Posted 2 December 2006 Author Posted 2 December 2006 Once again Fezzler, you have excellent comedy taste. Peep Show? Bought the 3-series box set this morning on Amazon.
cisono Posted 2 December 2006 Posted 2 December 2006 Bought the 3-series box set this morning on Amazon. Hmm it must be a bit too English for me...
potter3 Posted 2 December 2006 Posted 2 December 2006 Its quality, in fact you've made me decide to watch it know
Finnegan Posted 3 December 2006 Posted 3 December 2006 Love Black Books, love Dylan Moran's stand up, too, though his last DVD was a bit average by his own standards. Working through the Mighty Boosh, at the moment. fooking great show. Last series I watched was Darkplace. I'd recommend all three to anyone. Even your gran.
Nationwider Posted 3 December 2006 Posted 3 December 2006 Not really watched it much, but I'll look out for the repeats as anything with the genius that is: ...has to be worth a shufty.
Katy Posted 4 December 2006 Posted 4 December 2006 Indeed, Bill Bailey is hillarious. Black Books and Peep Show are in me top 10 top comedies
Louise Posted 4 December 2006 Posted 4 December 2006 Can't wait for the next series of Peep Show. I identify with Mark more than is healthy.
Alexikokopops Posted 4 December 2006 Posted 4 December 2006 Love Black Books, love Dylan Moran's stand up, too, though his last DVD was a bit average by his own standards. Working through the Mighty Boosh, at the moment. fooking great show. Last series I watched was Darkplace. I'd recommend all three to anyone. Even your gran. Lets pipe, now. Can't wait for the next series of Peep Show. I identify with Mark more than is healthy. We call my housemate Mark because he reminds us so much of Mark off Peep Show
imagine that Posted 4 December 2006 Posted 4 December 2006 Not really watched it much, but I'll look out for the repeats as anything with the genius that is: ...has to be worth a shufty. Try This. Has many TV shows and stuff on their.
Finnegan Posted 4 December 2006 Posted 4 December 2006 ' date='Dec 4 2006, 10:02 PM' post='469431']Lets pipe, now. I was going to respond with a picture of Howard and a pipe. But google failed me. So use your imagination.
DanTheFoxBhoy Posted 5 December 2006 Posted 5 December 2006 Love Black Books, love Dylan Moran's stand up, too Spot on I have this image in my head from an episode where Bernard's comfy couch eats a small child.
Wycombe Fox Posted 5 December 2006 Posted 5 December 2006 Found this on Google; http://www.tv-links.co.uk/Black%20Books_links.html You can watch all 3 series online.
Louise Posted 5 December 2006 Posted 5 December 2006 Some Peep Show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNrdegSKjxc&NR Hobbit porn (for adults only ) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6SUC5k-58o "What does that mean?! I have LITERALLY no idea what that is supposed to mean!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpFpHUjI7R4 "A kitten?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HonCaQNMDfM "Who do you support?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8-QkzizwTk "Yeeeeah, double me."
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