Mark Posted 19 August 2004 Share Posted 19 August 2004 I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough." If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither. Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. My friend crossed a Pitbull with a Shitzu and ended up with a bull sh!t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Libertine Posted 19 August 2004 Share Posted 19 August 2004 Excellent. Fave comedian of all time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teeno Posted 19 August 2004 Share Posted 19 August 2004 Absoloutly class. Funniest bloke I ever watched :: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Libertine Posted 19 August 2004 Share Posted 19 August 2004 Has anybody else actually cried with laughter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 19 August 2004 Share Posted 19 August 2004 defo, i have him live at boton and blackpool on DVD and own phoenix nights aswell. Absolutely love the bloke. (none gay) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricey Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 Very very funny bloke! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 I cried laughing at the 'Rich Tea' biscuit bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Libertine Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 HobNobs are a proper biscuit! They're like marines! "DIP ME AGAIN!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 It was his impression of a Rich Tea biscuit being dunked that got me! By the time the Hob-Nobs were mentioned, I was well away!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rotherhamfox Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 Class performer and excellent stand up, rightly hes taking time away and now preparing some new material, he was great when i saw him at Sheffield City Hall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Macca4lcfc Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 the best bits when he says dropping your biscuit in your tea goes like slow motion. get me a spoooooooooooon, basteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd. then rich tea 'fcuking 1 dips' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricey Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 It was his impression of a Rich Tea biscuit being dunked that got me!By the time the Hob-Nobs were mentioned, I was well away!! 13441[/snapback] I loved that bit too I love comedians that personify objects, that's why I like Lee Evans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel - WCF Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 It was his impression of a Rich Tea biscuit being dunked that got me!By the time the Hob-Nobs were mentioned, I was well away!! 13441[/snapback] I loved that bit too I love comedians that personify objects, that's why I like Lee Evans. 13563[/snapback] I adore Lee Evans Saw him in North Wales pmsl! Pter Kays funny too I'd like to see him live sometime looking forward to the show he's making with max and paddy from pheonix nights Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rotherhamfox Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 Crap pop and pointing to stuff such as Tenerife is over there and by looking at your watch you will now what month something is happening, both offa the first stand up, very funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparky Posted 20 August 2004 Share Posted 20 August 2004 yeah what a funny guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexikokopops Posted 21 August 2004 Share Posted 21 August 2004 He's breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeliant, I'll tell you that for free. Put your money away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpjfox Posted 21 August 2004 Share Posted 21 August 2004 Have you heard about the new Viagra biscuits?. They dont go soft when you dunk them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted 25 August 2004 Author Share Posted 25 August 2004 Peter Kay's Universal Truths 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 10) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong. 21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 23) You never ever run out of salt. 24) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 33) Bricks are horrible to carry. 34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 35) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carl edmundson Posted 25 August 2004 Share Posted 25 August 2004 he was the best comedian ever i like the bit where the taxi man pulls up and he says what does the b stand for bullshit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benji Posted 25 August 2004 Share Posted 25 August 2004 i like the washing powder advert ''i don't care whose it is its floating'' :: :: :: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellman Posted 25 August 2004 Share Posted 25 August 2004 ! Has any of you lot seen Phoenix Nights??? Oh its the bestest TV program EVER. (Look at my sig!) Its Peter Kay all over and its absoluelty classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benji Posted 25 August 2004 Share Posted 25 August 2004 yes mate got the series set thing pure quality! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.