pSinatra

1979-80 season was when I properly started going, as an 8 year old. My Dad got a season ticket on the cheap, as he knew a couple of players. Dennis Rofe was our next-door-neighbour. There used to be a newsagents on Aylestone Road & the owner used to board a few of the apprentices. To earn a bit of extra cash, the apprentices would sell their tickets. We had comfy seats, right in the middle of the members stand. Started going down with my mates when I was about 15. I think it was 1987 in the Family Enclosure. I seem to remember it costing £1.20

I've got the world's crappest stereo in my van & can only get Radio 2. Tbf, I'd listen to that anyway. Jeremy Vine gets paid a shitload, but I like him & think he has some value. Steve Wright is an abomination. Shit music, shit hangers-on in the studio & shit facts. Is the old lady dead yet? What is 'serious jockin'. What the fvck are going on about you twat? It wasn't funny the first time.

A load of bollocks Arsenal wouldn't accept an offer without speaking to the player first, to see if it was a goer or not. Does the player know he's up for sale & for less than what Schlupp went for? He might like it at Arsenal but it looks like they want rid.

I couldn't have even if I had wanted to. She was about 3ft taller than me & about 15st heavier. She would have forearm smashed me into next week.

We had 2 teachers that ended up in Carlton Hayes. Not sure why? The kids never gave either of them any shit, as they were both fooking crazy. Nearly got expelled for shoving a girl down the stairs. We used to call her Big Momma cause she was fooking huge. She's known down the football & I think some of you call her Hagrid. I was sat in the Headmasters office on the verge of being kicked out. I rang my Dad at work & told him he "better get his arse down here". I had heard that someone had lobbed her down the stairs, but it wasn't me & I was nowhere near at the time. They said they had witnesses?? My Dad turned up & I swear he was ready to spark the headmaster. The police came & me & my Dad were told to leave. I never heard anything else about it. I'd never really got on that well with my Dad, but from then on I knew he had my back. When I was about 15 there was someone at school going around randomly taking a shit in empty classrooms.......known as The Phantom Shitter. That wasn't me either.

I don't know if I should be happy or sad. I've been looking at TV's for a while. Saw a decent 49" Sony TV & at a very good price (£200 off). Took 5 minutes to check bank account, read a few more reviews & to decide whether 49" was too big. Thought "fook it, I'm having it"...........deal has gone! Have I saved myself a load of money or have I missed out on a great deal? Looking at my current crappy TV, I can't help feeling I've missed out. It would have been nice to have the missus moaning that it's too big for once.

Why would Spurs want him when they've got Vincent Janssen?

Piss poor decision, thankfully

Ex-man & boxing promoter Kellie Maloney MEP for the East Midlands, Dame Glenis Willmott

Nettles are a bitch, but can be got rid of by digging them out. This may be a bit tricky, depending on what your soil is like. If you have heavy soil, it's not so easy to separate the soil from the roots. If you don't get the roots out, they will probably grow back. Personally, I would strim them down to a few inches in height (or mow them down if you can on a high setting) & then spray them with weedkiller. It may take a couple of applications of weedkiller, but it will clear them eventually. As long as the active ingredient in the weedkiller is glysophate (e.g. Roundup) it should clear that area after a few weeks. Glysophate will kill grass & small plants as well though - so be careful what you spray & don't do it on a windy day. There's loads of grass seed available for shaded areas (usually high in fescue seed). Have a look on Amazon. Growing from seed at this time of year can be a bit of a ball ache, as it will need regular watering. Spring or autumn is usually a good time of year when the rain will generally do the watering for you & the ground doesn't dry out so quickly.

Groove Armada did a cover called 'At the River'. That's the one used in the M&S advert.

From a 1984 film called Party Animal. Pondo Sinatra was the sexless main character who declares that he would "sell his soul for a piece of ass"